Daily Prompt: Walking on the Moon

What giant step did you take where you hoped your leg wouldn’t break? Was it worth it, were you successful in walking on the moon, or did your leg break?

Please allow me to preface this by pointing out that I spent almost an hour writing this post yesterday, only for my auto-save to not work, resulting in me losing my entire post. Such a pain in the bum, so I’ll try and recreate it from memory again… Fingers crossed

I initially struggled when I thought about this, and spent a lot of time trying to come up with a scenario, but I thought that I would write about one of the dance auditions I went to when I was younger.

It was during my year of full-time dance, and I had never been to an audition for an overseas gig before. I’d only ever auditioned for dance schools and that was stressful enough. I didn’t really have much interest in the actual gig (which was for an overseas theme park), but I wanted to do it for the experience, and so I could determine what areas I needed to improve on for any future auditions that I might have.

So I turned up to this audition, not really knowing what it was going to be like and I walked up a few flights of stairs which opened up to this giant space – full of guys. Now for anybody in the commercial world of dance, you’ll know that all the guys are usually tall and good looking and quite well built.

…and I was pretty much the opposite. Well, except for the height.

When I walked in, it was, quite literally, one of those moments where everybody in the room completely stops, the music stops, and everybody stares at you. Although it was only a brief moment, it felt as though time had completely frozen. I walked around all the people sprawled out across the ground and found a small space in the corner, and started to stretch.

Everybody else was already sitting around in their little cliques, and most of them seemed to already know everybody else. Nobody paid me any attention – even when I tried to say hi to a couple of people, if they didn’t completely ignore me, they either brushed me off with a one-worded answer, or just advised me they didn’t want to be disturbed.

One woman came out and called all the girls into one studio for a vocal audition and the rest of us, the majority, were all guys who were ushered into the main studio. From there we were all split into smaller groups to make it easier for the judging panel to watch each of us a lot more closely.

I quickly realised that even when our group wasn’t performing, we were all standing around the studio watching the others, which really threw me. I had anticipated that everybody else would leave the studio , and we’d be called in group by group, but clearly, I was wrong.

First up was out jazz audition. We learnt a small routine which was actually quite fun, and when danced as a group, it looked incredible. I quickly realised that I wasn’t actually as bad as what I had initially thought. Watching some of the other guys trying to learn the chorey, quickly gave me an idea as to who was a threat, and who wasn’t.

When we started to perform in our groups, we also got to watch the others closely, and I was amazed that there was such a considerable number of these so-called dancers who couldn’t actually dance. I mean it was Jazz. Everybody needs to be able to cut it when it comes to jazz – or maybe I just have high expectations?!

So our group was somewhere in the middle, and everybody was watching everybody else like hawks. These bitches were hungry and we’re scoping out the competition, just like I was. I got up to dance and purposely stood in the back row so as not to come across as being an ‘attention seeker’. The music played and two of the guys in the front row made a massive fuck up, so they stopped us and made us start again.

Groan.

The music started again and it was go-time. Just as quickly as we started, it was over. Almost got through it without making any mistakes, but I made one or two small mistakes, but nothing compared to some of the other guys. Compared to some of them, I was actually doing pretty well. At one point as I was dancing, I caught myself in the mirror as I nailed some complex move, and as I finished it, in my peripheral vision, I caught the eyes of one of the judges who, I thought, was watching me. And as I finished this particular move, she got a smile on her face, and then put her head down to write something… like she was secretly rooting for me, perhaps?

Everybody was then ushered out to the waiting room, where some people took the opportunity to have a bite of some food, and down some sports drinks. One of the people from the judging panel said that they were going to begin the callbacks, beginning with Ballet. Then, one by one they started calling out numbers of who they wanted to return.

It was nerve-wracking having to sit there and watch peoples reactions. Some were really humbled when their number was called. Others were more celebratory and flaunting of the fact. The ones who didn’t make it though either got really angry about it and stormed off in a huff, or they just accepted it for what it was. There were quite a few though who got really upset. I think they may have been the ones who were really hoping to get the job. Then whilst I’m sitting there watching everybody else’s reactions, I hear something, but I can’t quite work out what it is. Then I hear it again.

It’s me. My number. I’ve made it through the first round of callbacks!! I couldn’t quite believe it. For somebody who felt so intimidated at the beginning, it would appear as though that was slowly changing. However, I wasn’t necessarily going to get too excited just yet. It was time to get my ballet on.

We went back into the studio to learn a rather basic adage., and then split into new groups. Just like before with the Jazz audition, the ballet audition really gave some of us the perfect opportunity to show the others how it was done. I was really quite shocked that so many of these guys were so terrible at ballet. Here I was thinking that this was the foundation of all dance training – obviously just not theirs. There was only a few guys who really stood out, and even I was surprised at how well I managed with it. But I think I got lucky, because the other guys in my group were pretty bad, so they made me look even better. So I’m not sure if I stood out for actually being talented, or if it was because I was the best of the worst.

After we had finished, we were put back in the holding room, and they made the next round of announcements. Again, my number got called. ‘You have 5 minutes before you come back for your hip-hop audition’.

YES!!

This was right up my alley. Suddenly, the number of guys had dramatically dropped. This was starting to get a bit real, and as much as I didn’t want to pay any attention to it, there was a tiny, tiny part of me thinking that there was a possibility, something might eventuate from all of this.

We went back in for our hip-hop audition, and surprisingly, the routine was short, but quite technical. I found it quite challenging. I went over it and over it and over it, but it just wasn’t sitting well with me. Suddenly the groups had changed order and my group was now second.

FUCK.

I only had a couple of minutes before I had to dance again, and I was really feeling nervous. I felt as though I had somehow managed to prove myself, and I couldnt mess it up now. The music started, and my group started dancing. When the music finished, I let out a giant sigh of relief, but it was quickly interrupted by the judging panel announcing that they wanted us to do again, but they wanted the front and back rows to swap. I was in the back row. I wonder if they want to watch me?? Oh, don’t be so stupid, why would they? SO the music began and I found myself back in the zone. In the corner of my eye I could see the same female judge watching me, then writing down some stuff on paper, and then talking to the judge next to her. And again, when I finished the routine, I caught her smiling. I tried not to think anything of it, but I couldn’t help myself.

As far as I knew, that was the end of the auditions process. I felt relieved, and was looking forward to getting out of this confined space full of stress and tension and hyper-emotional people. Just as I started to re-pack my bag, a lady walks out to us and says that there’s been a change in the audition, they were doing one last round of callbacks. Again, she started to read through the numbers, and only 4 guys got cut, the rest of us were all through again. I actually couldn’t believe that I’d made it this far. It was quite surprising, given that I hadn’t actually worked professionally in this industry, whereas most of the people here had, or still were.

We sat there looking a bit puzzled, as we didn’t really know why they were having a final cut? Maybe they wanted us to sing? Or do a reading? Nobody knew. The lady left briefly, and then returned to say, ‘I’ve just received confirmation that they would like to see you complete a Tap audition. We understand this is last minute, and understand you probably don’t have your tap shoes with you, but if you could, we’d love to see what you’ve got.’

Now, that’s what I call a **PLOT TWIST**

I instantly knew that I was out. I couldn’t tap to save myself. I can do a couple of basic steps, but other than that, I’ve got the skill of a monkey rollerskating on an oil slick. A couple of people cracked the shits, saying that this was ridiculous and unfair, and they stormed off. A couple of others brought their tap shoes with them ‘just in case’. I followed everybody back into the studio, and they made us line up across the studio side-by-side. Everybody was feeling nervous, because we didn’t know what to expect now. I looked at the lady who I’d made eyes with earlier, and she gave me a quick little wink – which, really, could have have meant anything, but she only did it to me, so I felt a tiny bit better.

They explained to us, that they wanted to see roughly 16-counts of some tap skill, to try and judge what level our expertise is. It could be anything we want, as long as it was between 16 and 32 counts.

Shit. Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit shit shit shit.

Knowing that tap was the absolute worst style for me was already bad enough, knowing that I was now going to be last (!!!) made everything even worse. They’re going to go through us one at a time, and all these guys are going to show off their fancy foot skills and then they’re all going to watch me completely ruin everything. Maybe I should just leave? There’s no way I’ll get anywhere now. It’s a guaranteed no. I’ve stil got a chance, perhaps I should just thank them for the opportunity and excuse myself.

I opted not to give in so easily. I’d spent so many hours here already, I may as well see it through until the end, and let’s face it, I had no intentions of actually getting a job out of this, I was only here for the experience, and I should make sure that I get the whole experience, regardless of how uncomfortable or awkward it gets. That’s what it’s like in this industry. It’s cut-throat and you just have to roll with the punches. No time for you to be self conscious and weak. We all watched each other as the tap-a-tap-a-tap-a progressed down the line. The whole time I kept taking bits and pieces from everybody else’s ‘routines’ to create my own little series of steps… and well, in theory it worked in my head.

However, when I had to actually perform it, it was a completely different story. Turns out, I had no fucking idea of what I was doing. I’d even managed to completely forget even the most basic of basic steps. It was just a complete disaster. I was so humiliated, but all I could do was laugh.  There were a few concerned looks my way, but by this stage, I was kinda over it. I’d achieved everything I had come to do, and made it through to the final cut. The lady on the panel looked at me with a small grin and shook her head slightly. The guy in charge of the audition thanked everybody for staying, and for being so gracious and doing the tap audition, and that those who were successful would receive details via email later that evening.

We filed out of the studio into the holding area. People got changed; some called their friends / family; a couple of the guys walked off crying. I went into a toilet to change my clothes, put on some deodorant and wash my face. I let out a big sigh, picked up my bag and headed down the stairs. I got outside and was almost blinded by the blaring sunshine. I had almost forgotten what the weather was like because I’d been in fluoro lighting all day. I stood there on the steps of the building trying to work out what to do with myself for the rest of the afternoon. One thing that couldn’t be denied was that I was STARVING!! But having just stressed out and danced my arse off, I wanted to eat my feelings. The most important choice was whether I wanted to go buy half a dozen pastries, or if I wanted to get a tub of ice-cream and hire some dvd’s.

I was enjoying the sunshine, and whilst thinking of the pro’s and con’s of what I wanted, I grabbed my iPod and started untangling my supposed ‘tangle-free’ earphones, when I heard a group of people coming down the stairs. It was the judges from the panel. The lady that had smiled at me a few times noticed me and said goodbye to the others, before she started walking towards me.

…ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod…

‘You were quite an interesting one to watch today. You did a really good job’

‘Um… thanks?’

‘None of us have seen you before, so you’re obviously one of the new kids on the block, so to speak’

‘Yeah, although I don’t think I have ‘The Right Stuff’ hehehe.’

‘*laughs* Good one. Listen, I’m glad that I bumped into you, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed watching you today. You really did a great job. Although you were nervous, you danced with passion and authenticity. I don’t actually know anything about you, but a few of us couldn’t stop watching you… even when you weren’t dancing, we were still watching you..’

‘Oh god, why? I was probably picking my nose or something…’

‘Eww, no, you just, there was something about you. There’s a light within you that just makes people want to watch you dance. You need to perform. You need to continue on this path. It’s just so refreshing to see somebody different to the same people we see all the fucking time. It just gets boring, and we tune out, because we’ve seen them all before. They all look the same. Like clones. Except you, you look nothing like them. And you’re clearly talented. There were people with a fuck load more experience than you who got knocked out in the first round, and yet, you made it all the way. We just wanted to see more.’

‘Really?? I don’t know what to say to that’

‘Although your tap was fucking abysmal. One of, if not, the worst of the day! Which was suuuuch a fucking let down, because we were expecting some awesome tap routine from you, but we didn’t get it.’

‘Ha! yeah, well, tap certainly isn’t my favourite style. Actually, I really don’t like it. I have to do it as part of my course, but I’m terrible at it. My ankles don’t seem to want to let me do it. I just can’t get it. And well, I’ve only been doing tap this year for the first time EVER! When the other lady said we were going to do tap, I almost walked out because I knew that I would bomb out on it, but I wanted to be the person who didn’t just give up when it got too hard. At least I can say I completed the audition. I may have completely mucked it up, but at least I finished it, AND I made it to the final callback, which completely shocked the hell out of me, so for that, I must say a big thankyou to you and the rest of the panel.’

‘Yeah, you need to really work on your tap. It’s not a major audition component, but some auditions require solid tap skills. Not all of them do, but it’ll work in your favour if you can get them up to speed. It’s going to work in your favour if you do, trust me. You’ve already got that spark in you, like an x-factor, but if you can do a good, solid, clean, tap solo, you’ll be more of a threat. I’m glad that I got to meet you, you actually made my day.’

‘Seriously? now that’s something you don’t hear everyday!’

‘Hopefully we’ll get to see you again sometime soon. I’ve got your details, and so have some of the others, so if we see you on the audition list, we’ll happily make sure that you get an audition. BUT WORK ON YOUR TAP FOR FUCK’S SAKE!! GOD, THAT WAS SUCH A LET DOWN!!’

‘I’ll try, I can’t promise though. How about if I do audition next time, we just skip the tap altogether, and you just let me do a good job with everything else instead?!’

We both laughed and said goodbye before walking in opposite directions. I think that was one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever had in terms of dancing. It felt a little weird to be honest. As a dancer, you rarely hear somebody praise you for your talent. Most of the time you just keep getting told that whatever you did could have been better. You get told about all the flaws and imperfections of your talent – you need to work on your turnout, you have bad feet, you’re not flexible enough, you didn’t jump high enough, you need to work on your spotting, your arms are too sloppy, you have ugly turns, your back is too swayed, you look like your trying too hard etc etc etc. That’s just something that you have to get yourself used to very quickly. You need to have a thick skin if you’re going to pursue something like dancing, because everybody will pick you apart for every little thing that isn’t 100 percent perfect. That’s just how it is. It’s not nice. It’s not fair. But that’s how we improve.

For somebody to then turn around and have that kind of positivity and praise for my talent is almost completely foreign, and something that I have always struggled to accept and deal with. I’ve always been quite humble with my dancing. I’m not denying that I’d be quietly confident about my talent, but I wouldn’t be the one displaying the ego telling people that I’m the best and everybody else can just suck it. But for somebody like her to say something like that to me, felt amazing. Audition judges are always seen to be quite hard, and extremely blunt in their feedback or comments, so for somebody to say that they loved watching me dance just blew my mind.

I was on cloud-nine for the rest of the afternoon, and I practically inhaled a tub of ice-cream when I got home and enjoyed every single spoonful!!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/23/daily-prompt-moon-walking/

200th Post!!

I’m really quite surprised that I’ve managed to make 200 posts already!! It feels like it was ages ago that I embarked on this daily writing challenge, and although I’ve managed to write 200 posts so far, it certainly hasn’t been a daily task which is disappointing.

Given that I work two jobs, it’s hard to find the time during the day to write a post, let alone two, and so quite often I find myself with a backlog of 5 or 6 posts to complete which is frustrating, because I haven’t had time to work on any of them. Even now, I’ve got 3 or 4 that need to be finished.

I still haven’t managed to work out a schedule that works for me. I should allocate myself an hour in the morning when I wake up, but then I’d have to wake up earlier.

I could allocate myself an hour at the end of the night, but then my husband gets upset and feels neglected when I don’t go to bed with him, which in turn makes me feel like a jerk because I’m choosing to write instead of go to bed with Hulk.

Then of course there’s my lunchtime during the day, but that’s reserved for eating and sometimes having a massage at the little Chinese place down the road.

Who’d have thought that writing two posts each day was going to be such an effort. But then again, when I get onto a topic and start writing, sometimes it ends up being a few thousand words which I don’t anticipate and sometimes, those kind of posts can take me quite a few hours to write, and by the end of it, I’m completely exhausted.

Could you imagine if every post I wrote was like that?? I’d never get on top of all my posts. But at the same time, I could have also managed to write a novel.

I really wish WordPress had something in their stats page that have you a total word count for every post you have on your blog. I’d love to know how many words be written so far in my 200 posts.

Oh, and if the people at WordPress are reading this…. hint hint!!

Daily Prompt: Tainted Love

Ever been dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend? Was it a total surprise, or something you saw coming? Tell us your best worst breakup story. Never been the dumpee, always the dumper? Relate the story of a friend who got unceremoniously kicked to the curb. Change the names to protect the innocent if you must.

It was my 20th birthday, and I got dumped. Happy Birthday To Me, right?

I’d kinda been seeing this guy for a few months already, and the way I saw things, he was my boyfriend, and I was his. I didn’t really know what else to call it… is there such thing as a casual boyfriend?

Anyway, things were going well. It was still kinda new: we were spending our free time together. He was working full time; I was dancing full time; so we’d spend our nights together. It wasn’t every night, because we understood we both needed space and it was too soon to be joined at the hip. It was great spending time together, and being able to just hang out with somebody. It was exciting for me. I was so infatuated with this guy. He was tall, and very ruggedly good looking. He was the kind of guy who I couldn’t believe was actually interested in me, because to me, he was so incredibly hot and could’ve had anybody he wanted. To a point, he actually made me feel somewhat insecure quite regularly in the beginning, because I couldn’t stop second guessing everything he said and did. I felt as though it was some kind of elaborate set up, as though my housemates had put him up to it in order to crush my emotions later down the track.

Anyway, it was my birthday and I got up early to go and spend the day with my best friend. We went out for brunch, and then spent the day shopping. The car broke down later that day in Camberwell, but we still had a great time together. We then had plans to meet up later that night and go clubbing with a small group of friends.

I got home later that afternoon, and had planned on having a small nap before I had to get up, eat, and get ready.

It was about six o’clock when there was a knock at the door. It was G. He’d come over on a whim to drop off a small present for me. I, however, had already told him that I would just catch up with him tomorrow, because I had a busy day today, and wouldn’t have time to see him because he was also quite busy. But he stopped by anyway.

My housemate let him in, and he crept over to the bed where I was asleep. I had woken up when he knocked on the door, but then just as quickly fell asleep, but I woke again when I heard my bedroom door creek. I had just assumed it was one of my housemates putting something in my room… so I felt quite startled when I felt G lay down next to me and start whispering in my ear.

You know that moment when you’re really sleepy and somebody quietly wakes you up, and you have these whisper-conversations amongst you yawning and stretching and being half-asleep?? Well it was like that for a bit, but it felt really nice. It was a wonderful surprise to be asleep on my birthday and have my boyfriend show up unexpectedly. He was stroking my (wild and out of control) hair and whispered ‘Happy Birthday kid’ into my ear. I rolled over and kissed him hello…

…and then we ended up making out for an hour.

When we finally were able to catch our breaths, I explained how wonderful it was that he came to visit, and he said that he couldn’t let my birthday go past without actually seeing me.

He handed me a small gift. I can’t actually recall what that gift was. He’d been asking me for a week or so prior what I wanted to get for my birthday. I was humble enough to say I didn’t want him to get me anything, but when he kept pressing the issue, I gave him a couple of different ideas, in different price points. I didn’t really know where we stood on the relationship / present scale, so I gave him some options to try and gauge where he was at.

I just remember opening my gift and feeling quite disappointed in what he had gotten me. I didn’t dare show this expression, instead telling him how perfect it was and how it’ll always make me think of him. In my head, however, I was screaming in anger at how stupid he was for not getting me anything that I ACTUALLY wanted. What’s the point in asking me, and then me giving you a variety of possibilities, if you’re not actually going to use it?

So after all that, he says that he want’s to talk to me about something. I was thinking that he was going to tell me that my real present was actually a romantic weekend away together. Or maybe he was going to tell me that he was actually going to come to a gay club tonight (for the very first time) and get over his anxiety about it so he could celebrate my birthday with me. Or maybe he was going to invite me over to his place for a change and cook me dinner or some kind of wonderful, romantic gesture.

That wasn’t however what came out of his mouth.

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.’

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth. I actually thought he was joking.

He wasn’t joking.

He then sat there and explained to me that he was feeling a bit confused, and was feeling a bit pressured into something that he wasn’t ready for. That something was called ‘a relationship’. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me.

My heart jumped into my throat, and suddenly everything around me froze in time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t understand. Only 2.5 weeks prior we had been truly intimate for the very first time. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but I lost my virginity to this guy. I thought that he was the one… but in saying that, I was just shy of being twenty. I also thought my tight cotton-lycra dance pants were the most awesome thing ever.

So then all of a sudden, ten thousand questions start flooding my brain, and I stopped hearing the words coming out of his mouth. It was like all the sound disappeared, because all I could hear was my inner voice going mental with a constant stream of questions and self doubt.

Oh my god, what’s happening? How could he say that? What’s wrong with me? I knew it was too good to be true! Maybe this was the plan? I bet the girls (my housemates) put him up to this on purpose, just to do this and hurt me on my birthday. I though things were going well! I thought he liked me. Why doesn’t he like me? I waited so long before we had sex, and I explained that and he said he was cool with it! Maybe he wasn’t okay with it. Maybe he was just too frustrated. But I’ve been sleeping with him. And the sex is phenomenal. Maybe he doesn’t like it? Fuck, has he been lying to me? Oh my god, I can’t believe that he’s been lying to me this whole time. How could I have been so stupid?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??

So then my inner dialogue exploded into outer dialogue and all these questions were being thrown at G like a constant barrage of ninja stars.

He said that he really likes me. He agreed that he’d never felt like this with anybody – never felt such an indescribable connection with another guy, but I knew that was just some bullshit line people give each other when they don’t want to speak the truth. He said that he’s cried more with me, than he has in the last few years, because he feels that comfortable with him. He told me that he was just too scared to be in a relationship because he’s too scared to give himself over completely. The thought of it terrified him.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I began to question him and everything he said. He was stating the facts and how it made him feel, and I wanted to believe him, but nobody does a complete 180 like that without a good enough reason.

Question after question and question.

Then he said it. The REAL reason behind all his bullshit.

He. Still. Had.  A. Boyfriend.

Yep. A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! I couldn’t believe it. How could I have been so STUPID!! But then it made sense… of course it was all too good to be true. As if anybody that hot would ever remotely be interested in me, let alone give me the time of day. I had felt that it was too good to be true, and now I knew for certain.

I grabbed the present and threw it at him, and told him to get the fuck out of my house.

He countered by crying.

‘No. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry. You don’t get to stand there and cry, when you’re the one breaking up with me, on my BIRTHDAY… BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! You don’t get to be upset. You just get to be a fucking arsehole. Get the fuck out of my house. I’m done with you. Just delete my number. I want nothing to do with you.’

He continued his weird man-crying and fell against a wall asking me if I was okay.

No, I was just in a pure rage.

How the fuck could you do this? Of all the days, you had to pick my birthday. Seriously.. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!?

I stood there trying so hard not to cry, but it didn’t last. The sadness was quickly replaced with sheer rage, and I went crazy at him. How dare you stand there and tell me you’re not ready for a relationship…. oh that’s right, BECAUSE YOU’RE ALREADY IN ONE… oh, what’s this, OH, BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WITH THIS GUY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS ALREADY… I’m not asking you to leave you boyfriend, I just wish I had’ve known about it before I fell in love with you and wanted you to be my knight in shining armour; my prince charming.

I finally kicked him out and watched him go sit in his car and cry into his steering wheel before returning inside and looking for my phone. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I needed to talk it through with somebody, so I went to call D.

I picked up my phone and saw a stack of missed calls and messages, and started going through them one-by-one. Each one of them was one of my so-called ‘friends’ telling me they suddenly weren’t coming tonight to celebrate my birthday because they conveniently had something else on, or they had suddenly come down with some kind of illness.

What better way to fill that giant hole in my chest that G just cut out with a giant rusty knife, than with some super excruciating bullshit which burnt like lemon juice.

I then got a call from two of my friends who were already on their way in from Geelong. They were about 20mins away from my place, and told me to get my arse into gear. I quickly showered and got myself dressed, and then started received a stream of text messages from G. He’d obviously realised how much of a cunt he had just been to dump me on my birthday, and tell me he’s not able to be in a relationship, because he’s already in one. Perhaps the worst possible timing ever!!

The boys turned up, and I ended up asking them to come inside and we started talking. I ended up confessing to them that I’d been seeing G. See, I hadn’t told anybody about G. It was a secret for me. A couple of my friends thought that I might be seeing somebody, because I was never around to hang out with them, but I never admitted anything to anybody… except now.

So, almost three hours later, it was approaching midnight, and we were well and truly fashionably late, so we picked ourselves off and headed off to the club. The cherry on top was having more people cancel on me and then the boys leaving after only an hour and a half. I distinctly recall it being 2am, and I was all by myself. I was sitting on a couch upstairs at this club replaying the entire day back in my head, piece by piece, and realising how much of an epic clusterfuck the entire day was. I was more surprised that I wasn’t at home in bed having some kind of emotional breakdown.

Instead, I just needed to dance. And I did. And boy did I dance. I decided that for the rest of the night, I wasn’t going to allow myself to have any more inhibitions, and I just let loose. I remember catching a tram home around 6:30 – 7am as the sun was rising, and feeling as though I had just had the best night out ever. And it was all on my own.

However, all night I was still getting messages from G. I told him to fuck off and stop messaging me with his messages of self-regret. He made a choice, he has to live with it. It doesn’t mean he gets to message me constantly and still try to make me feel better by telling me how much he loves being with me. Sorry, I’m not having that shit.

UGH. I can’t believe that I lost my virginity to somebody who turned out to be such a cunt.

I felt so stupid for falling for him so quickly. I can’t believe that I had been such a dickhead. How could I have been so gullible. I always thought I was so smart with this kind of stuff, and yet I turned out to be so dumb.

I don’t think I was ever the same after that. It really changed me and my outlook on relationships. After that, I never wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to only ever have casual flings with guys, because I never wanted to allow myself to get that close to anybody ever again. If I don’t allow myself to get close, then I won’t end up getting hurt if things don’t work out.

Turns out it just fucked with my head more than I had anticipated, and was the beginning of perhaps one of the most destructive relationships I’ve ever had. More of my fucked-up relationship with G can be found here. There are so many of these kind of scenarios that I had with G, I knew that it was wrong from the beginning, but I just couldn’t bear to completely cut him out of my life. It became such an on-again, off-again type of relationship that actually did far more harm and far more damage than good.

I’ll never be the same after that relationship, and not in a good sense.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/daily-prompt-tainted-love/

Daily Prompt: Nothin’ But A Good Time

Imagine that tomorrow, all of your duties and obligations evaporate for the day. You get the day all to yourself, to do anything you please. What types of fun activities would make your day?

Does that day also happen to be about 48hrs long, so I can actually fit in everything that I would like to be able to do on a ‘day off’? A day off really should be longer than all the other days, especially given my list below… or I’ll need to have two consecutive days off for pure indulgence.

1. SLEEP

Yes.  I put this as #1, and all in caps because it’s the most important and my absolute FAVOURITE thing to do on a day off.

The day would start off with a wonderfully luscious sleep-in. One of those mornings where it’s a bit chilly, but the sun is warm, and beaming in through a bedroom window, and you wish it was possible for these already fluffy pillows and doona just to get that little bit fluffier and softer, so you could just disappear into them for a couple more hours of slumber-heaven.

2. Breakfast

The one thing that I absolutely love about travelling, is a free buffet breakfast. Oh, it’s HEAVEN!! Moreso when there’s no agenda. I think the best time I had with a buffet was, surprisingly, at an airport in the Virgin lounge. The airline had completely messed up my flight home, and told me to be at the airport at 8am for a re-scheduled flight at 9am, only to turn up and have them say that there’s been another change and I’m not on a plane until 2pm. I then demanded lounge access, which they gave me, and it was fantastic.

I got myself set up at a table, watched a Harry Potter movie with Hulk, and basically ate myself silly.

So. Much. Food!!

3. The Beach

What better way to enjoy a relaxing day, than heading off down to the beach for a bit of a swim, and a nap in the sun… then more swimming, and more napping, followed by more swimming and some more napping.

4. A Massage

Now, I’m not talking about a quick 30min neck and shoulder massage, I’m talking at least a 90min – 120min full body, deep-tissue oil massage. I’m the sort of person who puts their body through quite a lot, but then neglects it, and then I complain like a whiny little kid when I’m in pain from sore muscles. (SIDENOTE: Must get back onto my foam roller and look for my spiky-ball.)

What I love, is being able to have a long full-body massage just to really work out all the knots throughout my body, and put things back in some kind of alignment again. Granted, most of the time I find myself falling asleep – it’s quite embarrassing because I snore, but I find that I’m just in such a deep state of relaxation… I love it.

4a. Spa / Sauna / Steam

The other side to a treatment like this, is being able to have a spa / sauna / steam session either before, to help relax and loosen up the muscles, or after a long massage. It can be pretty awkward if it’s done afterwards, because I end up like a rag doll, and struggle to a) keep myself upright and b) conscious – too much time in a steam / sauna room, tends to make me really hot and sleepy… which then brings me to the brink of fainting / passing out. And let’s face it, that’s not necessarily a good thing.

5. A Nap.

This is probably THE BEST part of the whole day… being able to do everything listed above, and then come back to either lay on a sun-saturated bed (or couch) and curl up for a lovely arvo nap. But, one that’s at least 3 – 4hrs long. Anything less than that is a waste of time, and it just makes me feel even more tired than I was before.

6. Gaming

Now that I feel quite refreshed and relaxed, it’s time for a gigantic cup of tea and about fifteen biscuits (or a block of chocolate) and then the PS3 goes on, and I fire up one of my games. At the moment I’m right into Lego Marvel Super Heroes, but at the same time, in the back of my head, I’m completely aware that I’m not giving any time to my other favourite game, Tomb Raider. This game is so good, and so addictive, I usually find myself sitting there, tears streaming down my cheeks because I can’t even bring myself to blink because I find it so engrossing.

Alternate 6. A Bath

By this stage, I’ve woken from my nap and had something to eat for dinner. Then I think one of my favourite things to do is run a bath and use something like a fancy bath bomb, or some relaxing bath salts, and then I’ll either get in (and feel myself slowly broiling from the inside out because the temperature is so hot) and I’ll already have my laptop set up to watch something. Sometimes it’s a couple of episodes of a TV series I’m watching, or it might even be a movie.

And then, when the water has gone cold, or the show / movie has finished, there’s only one thing left to do…

7. Go To Bed.

It’s been a long day of pampering, and self-indulgence, and you know what, it’s exhausting. So all I need to do now, is go to bed and sleep for about 10 – 12hours, so I can wake up all nice and relaxed and refreshed tomorrow – ready to take on the world!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/daily-prompt-good-time/

Feb 21: Writing Space

Show Me Fridays: upload an image to your blog (with or without words) of where you like to write.

I usually find myself here, at the kitchen table on my MacBook Pro. The only problem is that the keyboard space is a bit too large, and if I’m here for a prolonged period of time, the edges begin to dig into my forearms / wrist, and it gets a bit painful.

The other setup I’m fond of is using my iPad and wireless Logitech keyboard. It’s heaven! And I usually do that during the week when I’m out and about and find myself with an hour or so to kill… but recently I’ve discovered a vast number of issues with working that way due to errors with WordPress and Safari / Chrome on my iPad (and I’m not particularly fond of the app), so my solution is to just write all my text in Pages whilst I’m out, and then when I get home, I can just copy it across to my draft, and then edit and fix up the text before publishing it.

Daily Prompt: New Sensation

Ah, sweet youth. No matter whether you grew up sporting a fedora, penny loafers, poodle skirts, bell-bottoms, leg-warmers, skinny jeans, Madonna-inspired net shirts and rosaries, goth garb, a spikey mohawk, or even a wave that would put the Bieber to shame, you made a fashion statement, unique to you. Describe your favorite fashions from days of yore or current trends you think are stylin’.

Ahh fashion, the bane of my existence.

I seem to have a love / hate relationship with fashion. I really do love fashion – but more like an admirer of fashion. Yet, it’s primarily only female fashion, and even then, it’s pretty much only haute couture. I’m obsessed with it. 

In terms of my own fashion sense, I don’t really know what it is. I think most people would probably associate my fashion sense with hi-tops.

At present, I’m really not a fan of what is happening with men’s fashion. There’s so much about it that I can’t stand, and simply refuse to accept and partake in, simply because as far as I’m concerned, it’s just horrid to me. And what makes it worse, is that it’s just more of a hipster type of style, and well, I’ll give you a guess as to how I feel about those damn hipsters. The thing that really gets me the most fired up, is that if you’re out and about, all the guys generally look the same. ‘Fashion’ for men generally seems to be quite distinct, but it’s also quite limited. The guys just all look the same, and it just shows that people are more than happy to put no thought into what they wear, or their own sense of ‘style’ and instead, are more than happy to just be generic.

I really don’t have the sort of lifestyle that allows me to express my own sense of ‘style’ very often, as it usually just goes from work clothes to gym clothes to pyjamas. Oh how I love my pyjamas!! In fact, it was only the other day I bought a new pair of pyjama pants – they’re a pair of drop-crotch ¾ leg pants with a tropical palm print on them. They’re very summery, and incredibly comfortable and I love them.

I find that even something as basic as a drop-crotch pant is something that truly divides people. I think you either love them or you hate them. But in saying that, I would hazard a guess that primarily only ‘dancers’ would be the ones that love them. We can wear them when we’re dancing – it’s more of  ‘street’ look for us. But in saying that, I’ve seen that same silhouette but made with much nicer, more upmarket materials, which can look fantastic with a pair of heels. Well, not on me, obviously – but that’s not to say I don’t have the legs for it. hehehe.

I’m all about comfort. Because I’ve managed to put on a couple of extra kilos, my clothes are tighter, and so I resort to wearing ‘fattie’ clothes as often as I can – baggy, slouchy clothes – because that way I don’t have to concern myself with the image of wearing clothes that are too tight, or worse, not actually being to get them on at all!!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/daily-prompt-new-sensation/

Daily Prompt: Never Gonna Give You Up

You. We know *you* are vice-free, dear Daily Post reader. But, or perhaps we should say, “butt,” others around you and in your life are riddled with vices: they smoke; they eat too much celery; they hog the covers; they can’t keep their hands out of the office candy bowl. Which vice or bad habit can you simply not abide in others?

I think the absolute number one vice would be smoking. I cannot stand the stench of cigarette smoke – it’s just foul.

It’s bad enough being stuck near a smoker because there’s nothing as asthmatic (like myself) loves more than second-hand smoke, but it’s even worse when you’re stuck on transport next to a smoker. They have that horrendous stench to them. It’s in their hair, it’s in their skin, in their clothes, and it’s just disgusting. It’s one thing that’s an absolute deal-breaker for me. Especially being somebody who works in the fitness industry, I cannot condone cigarette smoking, primarily based on the consequences it has on a person’s health. I would much prefer people weren’t dying from lung cancer, or blood clots, or brain damage etc, but unfortunately the people who are doing all the smoking don’t seem to share the same concerns.

I understand that it’s a drug. I understand that people have an addiction. But I also understand that there are numerous products that people have access to, in order to get their addictions under control; get their cravings under control, and eventually quit. Yet, what I don’t understand is that so many smokers just don’t want to.

!?!?!?

Seriously… what the fuck? Why wouldn’t you want to actually do something to stop smoking?? I’ve never been able to understand that. You have an addiction. It’s an addiction that is slowly killing you form the inside out. You know that this is happening, and you know that you ‘probably should’ quit, BUT YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!

Or, there’s the people who do make an attempt to quit, and if it doesn’t work for them the first time, they give up all hope, and just go back to smoking. **NEWSFLASH**: TRY AGAIN!! It might not work for you the first time, or the fifth time, or even the seventeenth time, but at least every time you try, you get a little bit better at it.

I remember when I was in my early twenties, I was out with some friends, and ended up going home with this really hot guy. We spoke for ages, and then one thing led to another, and all of a sudden we’re making out… then we both pulled back to catch a breath, and he excused himself to get up and go out to his balcony to have a cigarette. Like, he just got up off the couch, and said he was going for a smoke, and totally just left me there.

First of all, at no point was I aware that he was a smoker. I never saw a packet of smokes, or a lighter, and I guess the sweaty stinky clothes from being in a nightclub were masking the smell of cigarette smoke on his clothes. I didn’t even care how hot he was, I was just floored that anybody would be that rude and arrogant. So, I just left. I didn’t even say goodbye, I just grabbed my top and left. Just as I got downstairs, he called me wanting to know where I was, and I’m like ‘Sorry, I’m not going to waste my time with somebody who’s that rude to just leave me so he could have a smoke. Clearly, that was your priority. Not me. I’m not having that.’

Then he had the nerve to get pissed off at me for leaving. Fuuuuuuck that. At first he was really apologetic about it, but when he finally realised that I wasn’t coming back, he had the nerve to have a go at me for ‘wasting his time’.

Had I known he was a smoker beforehand I wouldn’t have even left the club with him. Just meeting somebody who’s a smoker, and I’m already that quick to jump the gun on how I feel about them. Apologies to those of you who are smokers, I don’t think we can be friends. If you’re not prepared to at least entertain the thought of trying to quit, and actually be proactive enough to do something about it… I can’t be your friend and sit idly by whilst you do that to your body.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/daily-prompt-rick-roll/

Feb 20: Life-Changing Event

What life event most changed your perspective of the world?

I’m not even really sure if there was one specific event that changed my outlook of the world, as far as I can remember, I’ve always seen the world for the harsh reality that it actually is. I never grew up with the outlook of the world that everything is sunshine and puppies and rainbows (well, the rainbows came later in life….), but I think that it’s hard to even have that sort of view of the world, when all you see on the news is death and destruction. Yes, you can always choose to completely ignore mainstream media, because they rarely report on anything positive or uplifting, but isn’t that, in turn, just being ignorant?

I know that when I was a kid, I was pretty switched on, even if I didn’t necessarily understand things that were happening, I knew that things were happening.  I just didn’t know why.

In terms of my ‘outlook’ on the world, that ‘outlook’ per-se is more like an ever-growing disappointment in people, society and humanity. Undeniably, one of the pivotal points in this was the attacks of 9-11. How people could do something like that is something that I will probably never understand. It’s one of the most horrific moments in history. Even to this day, I remember exactly where I was. I was in a computer lab – I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I spent the entire day constantly streaming videos from multiple news sites, and constantly had tears rolling down my cheeks. It was simply unfathomable that something this would ever happen… but it did, and it completely changed the world.

I’d already lost faith in humanity before that point in time, but after that, I lost all respect for society. But the confusing part of it all, was that there were so many conflicting reports stating that it was a revenge attack for the US not withdrawing their troops; other reports were that it was simply an attack to instigate a war; and other reports were stating that it was all because of religion.

As somebody who believes in science and evolution, I completely disregard religion. I don’t claim to understand all religions, but I cannot stand people who use religion as an excuse to spew hatred, create pain and cause destruction upon others. However, ever since 9-11, all Muslims are now considered terrorists and potential dangers to society. It’s just really disheartening. I’ll openly admit to one sharing that same view, until I actually decided to form my own decisions and have my own thoughts on the matter, and it left me feeling torn and confused.

Since that point in time, my view on the world has just continued to decline. Even when I thought it simply wasn’t possible for humanity to disappoint me any further, it somehow manages to – to the point where sometimes it can almost become so overwhelming. You start to even question your own sanity and views of the world. Maybe it’s not society that’s so horrible, maybe, instead the problem is actually me? Maybe I’m the one thats got the problem? Maybe I’m just being far too sensitive about everything. Maybe people are just happy to sit back and accept all this horrible news, and that in-turn, makes me sad for society. People don’t seem to have any interest in things anymore, because nobody wants to actually get involved.

And thats perhaps the saddest part of it all.

Daily Prompt: West End Girls

Every city and town contains people of different classes: rich, poor, and somewhere in between. What’s it like where you live? If it’s difficult for you to discern and describe the different types of classes in your locale, describe what it was like where you grew up — was it swimming pools and movie stars, industrial and working class, somewhere in between or something completely different?

I live in the Western Suburbs. Generally speaking, the West is usually where different ethnicities migrate to. Lots of low-socioeconomic status; high unemployment; regular social disturbances with authority because it’s a breeding ground for all types of violence, bashings, stabbings, robberies etc. Some of the people there are nice, but at the same time, far too many tend to depict a generalisation / stereotype of those who live in the west, which makes it unappealing to the rest of society.

Prior to living here, I used to live just south of the city, it was still considered inner-city because it was so close, but where we were was in a really interesting part of town, so we had a vast mix of different people, ranging from homeless people all the way up to the upper-class. But because housing is so dense now, even just one apartment building can have quite a broad range of people living within it.

Moving to the west, for me, was a bit of a shock. As somebody who has only ever lived south of the city, and primarily in one particular area, moving out to an area where I’d never even ventured before, let alone even remotely considered living, was quite the struggle. All the things I was used to about being south side, was gone. Everything was literally on my doorstep, or was, at most, a 15 minute walk away, and that’s only if the trams were delayed or not running. Now, I find that that I have to get a bus, a train and a tram just to get to work. That in itself can be quite frustrating and exhausting, because if one of the train lines goes down, we get no trains at all and everybody ends up stranded, or scrambling to try and get on the one bus that goes into the city.

That’s the one thing I miss the most about living south-side – the transport. If I missed a tram, it was maybe 5 mins before the next one. Now, if I miss a bus, I can be waiting up to 40mins before the next bus, so I try not to miss the bus if I can help it.

Even catching the bus is an experience in itself. It’s a great representation of the different walks of life out that way. There’s the obligatory crazy person on their way to Centrelink to sort out their welfare payments; there’s all the Asian students from the university accommodation down the road from where I live; there’s the Indian people in their suits heading off to work; there’s the old people with their walkers and market trolleys blocking the aisles; there’s usually some kind of African / Somali / Senegalese woman pushing around some babies in a stroller… it’s a really interesting area. I think for me the biggest culture shock was seeing so many black Africans (truth be told, I’m not sure which nationality they are, whether they are from Somalia, Senegal etc, so I just refer to them as African). But even amongst just that particular group of people, there’s such a variety. I see the older ladies all dressed up in their finery like they’re going to church; I’ve seen the younger girls poppin’ gum doing all kinds of weird shit to their hair – reminiscent of their African-American counterparts in the U.S.; I’ve seen the young males (who are ridiculously tall) all walking around in groups. There’s usually at least one of them holding a basketball. It’s actually quite intimidating to see them all in a group at a train station, moreso at night, especially if they’re watching you. You can never tell if they are friend or foe, but I’d err on the side of caution and say I’d rather not stick around long enough to find out.

Yes, I know that that’s me being prejudiced, but it’s hard not to be when you read about fellow members of the community being bashed, stabbed and / or killed in the area, or actually at the train station. It’s hard not to be prejudiced when the police announce they’re looking for black guy who’s tall and thin and about 6’4″. It only takes one person to create a generalisation. It’s even harder when shit like this is being featured on the news a little too regularly for my liking.

I was also quite surprised to discover that even within a suburb, there are particular pockets of different nationalities. For example, in one of the suburbs near me, there’s a couple of blocks at the back of the train station which are primarily where the Africans reside; then in the centre of the suburb, is all the Asians; further west is where you find a small pocket of Egyptians, and just next to them there’s a pocket of Indians… who are also quite a majority of taxi drivers out west. and of course there’s the council flats which are full of those from the lowest socioeconomic bracket – generally speaking, the junkies, the thieves, the drug dealers, the scammers and the scumbags.

It’s been interesting for me being able to get a bit more of an insight into those who live in the west. For a period of 2 – 3 months there was extensive rail works out west, which meant either no trains at all, or extremely delayed trains, and so more often than not, I’d catch a cab home. Perfect opportunity to have a chat to the driver and find out about them and their life. I would say that the majority of the taxi drivers I encountered were Indian. And a majority of them were all here studying or working two jobs. Those who were studying all said they were studying I.T., and those who worked, worked in call centres. They all lived out west, some even further west than I do, and it was an interesting to discover that most of them lived with 3 or 4 other people in a house. Again, another generalisation I’d previously heard about.

I think it’s good for people to be out amongst the cultural melting pot of the western suburbs, rather than just living their lives surround by the caucasian middle and upper classes. It just opens itself up to prejudice, negativity and misconceptions.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/18/daily-prompt-west-end-girls/

Feb 19: Facts and Truths

Marcus Aurelius said, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” Do you think there are concrete facts and truths, or is everything fluid?

You forgot to add, “Everything we read on the internet is true”. But that’s because people are just so gullible, they’ll believe anything you tell them if you make it sound even the slightest bit convincing.

Personally I believe that there are concrete facts in life, and truths – but really, aren’t they just the same thing?

People are entitled to their opinions, some know when to voice them appropriately, and others disregard that common sense and will happily shout it from the rooftops, but I find it interesting when people choose to have an opinion about something, but their argument goes against the actual facts of the topic of discussion.

These particular people are given some information, and then as far they’re concerned, that’s the only truth. Even if it’s factually incorrect, they will deny it, and continue to believe that it’s wrong. Even if you go to the extent of providing them with actual proof, it still wont change their minds, because they’re too stubborn to accept it, as it’s seen as a sign of defeat, and these people are never wrong. Even when they are, they’re still always right.

Ugh, they’re painful.

But even with things that we’re told are fact, sometimes aren’t necessarily so. I love seeing shows or websites debunking these so-called ‘facts’ and proving that they are actually, factually incorrect. Things that I’ve been told all my life; things that my parents told me, only to then find out that it’s actually not true. So then I start to wonder how these actually came about? Where did this wrong information come from? Considering that it’s something that’s almost ‘common knowledge’ that everybody knows, how is it that it could be so wrong, and yet nobody thought to follow up on it before now? Why did nobody think to question this earlier? Why are people just happy to accept something on face-value without putting more thought into it.

I’m the sort of person who questions everything. I can’t help it. I’ve learnt my lesson from not being inquisitive, and now I’m the one who’s always asking questions. See, I’m already doing it!