Remember your first crush? Think about that very first object of your affection. Oh, the sweaty palms. The swoony feeling in your stomach. Tell us the story of your first crush. What was it about this person that made your heart pound? Was the love requited? Change the names to protect the guilty or innocent if you must! No judgement here. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Oh, god which one do I write about? First girl crush, or first boy crush??
I think it’s easier to go with my boy crush. Ugh. If you’ve been following my blog, then you’ve probably already seen me write about him, but if you want to get yourself up to speed, here’s where I kind of wrote about it, but I feel like I can add a different perspective.
So B and I didn’t necessarily meet at that dance rehearsal. I’d met him about 2 years earlier, I think I was like 16 or something. I remember seeing this guy and thinking to myself ‘oh. my. god. This guy is so incredibly fucking hot!’ and it was one of those moments, where I couldn’t stop looking at him, because I thought he was just so incredibly hot. He was 2 years older than me so he would have been about 18 or so. He had a bad-boy look to him, and he drove this hotted-up car. I had only ever seen him before. I didn’t actually realise it, but we had actually been at a couple of major dance competitions together, but at the time, our paths rarely crossed, and we didn’t really pay any attention to each other because we were each others competition.
But this one day, I was with a couple of school friends, who were with some of their friends, who, in turn, had brought their friends, and low and behold, B was one of them. We were all at McDonalds after school one day, and I didn’t really engage in much of the conversation.
When it comes to being around strangers, I’m very uncomfortable and generally retract back into my shell like a turtle, to avoid having to speak to people – I’m socially awkward like that. But I remember looking across the table, and there was this dark, broody guy looking at me. It was one of those moments where you look at somebody, and they catch you looking at them, and then you suddenly try to make it look like you’re not actually looking at them – instead you’re just looking around the room, looking at a fly buzzing around or something.
So, he kept looking at me, and slowly, one-by-one everybody started to leave, and in the end it was just him and one of his friends, and me and a couple of my friends left at the table. One of my friends was actually his friends cousin, and so they decided to head off as well, and drop my other friend at home. I had plans to go to the library to do some study, and all of a sudden, we were standing in the carpark saying goodbye and he’d offered to drop me off at the library, as he was going to be driving past it anyway.
Typical. Aren’t they always suddenly going in the same direction? Gee, what a coincidence!
So I’m a bit weird about getting in the car with this guy, let alone cannot believe that I’m even talking to him. People that good looking don’t talk to people like me. It just doesn’t happen. All of a sudden I’m in the leather bucket seat in the passenger side of his car, feeling the vibrations from the engine revs, vibrating through my entire body.
‘Do you wanna go for a spin first?’
In my head, I’m kinda squealing like a thirteen year old girl, but the sixteen year old with raging hormones would much rather go for a different kind of spin.
‘Ahh, yeah, sure – but I really do need to get to the library. I have to get some stuff done before it shuts.’
‘No worries. We won’t be long. Just let me show you what this beast can do!
He looked over at me with a smug little grin, and within seconds, it felt as though that car was going to take off. Because the seats were so low, I couldn’t really see over the dashboard, and out the windscreen that well, and I wasn’t entirely sure where he was going.
At that point I’m suddenly starting to silently panic. Here’s sixteen year old me, in the front seat of a car with an adult stranger, who’s driving me somewhere other than where I wanted to go. I don’t really feel comfortable about this any more. What if he leaves me there? What if he attacks me? What if things go south? OH MY GOD, IS HE GOING TO KILL ME? OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!! HE’S GOING TO DRIVE ME OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, KILL ME, AND HIDE THE BODY AND NOBODY WILL NO. I SAID I WAS GOING TO THE LIBRARY!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?? WHY THE FUCK DID I GET IN THE CAR? I SHOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN IN THE CAR. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS CAR. I NEED TO ESCAPE. I WONDER IF I CAN JUMP OUT OF A MOVING CAR? MAYBE WHEN HE SLOWS DOWN, I JUST JUMP OUT. FUCK. WHAT ABOUT MY BACKPACK. DAMNIT!! I HAVE A COMPASS. I CAN STAB HIM WITH A COMPASS…
So, whilst I’m sitting there sweating bullets visualising how terrible this is going to get… he stops the car, and it’s enclosed in a giant cloud of dust.
‘We’re here!’ He said with a smile on his face.
OH GOD!! HE’S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. HE’S A SMILING SERIAL KILLER. MAYBE I CAN OUTRUN HIM. JUST BE COOL, JUST ACT TOTALLY COOL…
‘Are, are you okay?’
‘yeah. yeah, sure. Where are we?’
I opened the door to the car, and got out, and all I could see was dirt road and trees and bushes.
OH GOD, HE’S GOING TO MURDER ME AND DUMP THE BODY OUT HERE!! NOBODY WILL EVER FIND ME!!
Clearly, I must have looked somewhat preoccupied, as he asked me again; ‘Are you sure you’re okay? Because you look a bit nervous?’
‘Me? What? Nervous, not at all. In fact, my friends come out here all the time.’ What the fuck was I thinking. You’ve never come out here before, why on earth would you say that?? ‘yeah, we like to just come out here and hang out ‘n stuff, y’know.’ Wow. You’re an idiot.
‘Oh cool. I’m surprised we’ve never bumped into each other out here before.’
*insert really nervous and uncomfortable laugh right there.*
‘Oh, yeah, well, I guess we really only come out here sometimes after school, or on a weekend’
‘Yeah, I like to come out here so I can swim in the river. Mainly because there’s nobody else that comes out over this side, as they all just stick to the main beach area or the Rocks.’
yeah, and so you can hide the bodies easier.
‘I can’t say I’ve ever swam out here before, we usually just hang out down at the rocks.’
‘Yeah, so does everybody else. I just like it because it can be so silent. Nobody around. No cars. No kids. No noise. Just the silence.’
‘So quiet, nobody can hear you scream?’
‘hehehe, no, why would I be screaming. I think there’s some houses on the other side of the river. I wouldn’t want to disturb them late at night or anything’
*gasp* HOUSES!! Hmmm, so I’d have to swim across the river to at least try and get to them. I wonder if he’s much of a swimmer?
Suddenly, I heard my phone ringing in my bag.
It was one of my friends. She rang to ask me if I picked up one of her books accidentally. B saw me answer my phone, and wandered off, I assume, to give me some privacy. I was chatting to her for a bit, and sat down in the front seat of the car, deep in conversation…
‘Nah, I didn’t grab it. Did you try the others, maybe they have it? Oh, I’m not there yet, I’m still with B. Oh, he, um… ahhh… I asked if I could swing past my place first and get changed…’
At that precise moment, I smacked my forehead – WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SAYING?? Here’s me shitting myself that I’m going to be fucking murdered, and my salvation via phone call is being wasted. Turns out she was thinking of joining me at the library in about 30mins… *relief!*
‘Oh, okay cool, yeah, well I’m just sitting here at one the desks… no, one of the ones right down the back, yeah, so YOU’LL MEET ME AT THE LIBRARY IN HALF AN HOUR?? OKAY, WELL I’LL SEE YOU SOON…’ I need to make sure that he heard me.
Suddenly I hear this voice ‘Everything okay?’ and there he was standing in the space between the open front door and the seat where I was. uh oh.
‘Ahh, yeah, sure. I don’t want to be rude or anything, but that was L, and she’s on her way to the library to meet me, and I kinda already told her that I was there.’
‘Why did you do that? I was going to ask you if you, by chance, had a towel in your bag?’
…why, so you can mop up the blood after you shank me in the throat? ‘Ahhh, no, why would I have a towel?’
‘Oh, I was thinking that maybe we could go for a swim?’
…Oh, so you want to drown me instead? ‘What?’
‘Yeah, I thought that this would be a great place to swim. It’s so quiet and pretty..’
‘but I don’t have my boardies’
‘Who said you need them?’
‘You’re cute, you know that?’
‘Who said you need swimmers? We can go skinny-dipping!’
‘WHAT? Are you serious? It’s like 4:30 in the afternoon? What if somebody sees us?’
‘Oh, so you’d consider it?’
‘Well, that wasn’t a no!’
‘It wasn’t a yes either. No. No, I’m not going to go skinny dipping. And I’m certainly not going to go skinny dipping with you. I have to get to the library, I have to study…’
‘Okay, it was just a suggestion. No sweat. I’m sorry that I kept you from your precious study. I just thought this was a perfect opportunity to spend some time to get to know each other?
I looked at him quite puzzled… so what’s going on here? I’m thinking that I’ve been brought out here thinking i’m quite likely to be murdered, and am currently thinking of several potential exit strategies whilst he’s talking, and now he’s telling me he wants to get to know me? What the fuck? Is he some kind of crazed stalker? I don’t get it, and I don’t want to. I need to get out of here.
‘Well, I noticed you looking at me earlier, and you looked away whenever I looked at you – it’s cute. You didn’t really say much, but I’d heard that you’re quite funny. You’re not really at all how your friends describe you… I just think that you’re really cute, and thought maybe we could hang out and get to know each other?’
‘Huh? have I missed something?’
‘I’m sorry, that was wrong of me to say that. I should just shut my mouth. I’ve weirded you out now, haven’t I. Sorry. I didn’t want that to happen. How bout we just go and forget this ever happened.’
I wasn’t really sure what was going on.
He told me to put my legs back in and he closed the car door, and then walked around to the drivers side, got in, started the car, and began to reverse.
There was this really uncomfortable silence as he reversed the car to a clearing where he could turn the car around. Just as he did so and spun up a cloud of dust behind us, I looked over at him and he had a small grin on his face.
‘So, I’m just gonna come out and say it… but what the fuck just happened?’
‘I’m sorry. I was just being too forward and presumptuous. I thought that maybe you were wanting to spend some time with me. I thought that was why you didn’t go off with your friends… I thought that maybe you were waiting for me… but clearly I was wrong… so, so wrong, and sooooo stupid. I can’t believe that I just made such a dick of myself. I’m so embarrassed. Please don’t tell anybody about this. I’m really sorry. I should have just asked.’
I really couldn’t believe what had just happened. Let alone what was happening right now…
‘Look, I don’t know what you were thinking, but can I be honest as well… I actually got a bit scared and thought that maybe you were going to hurt me or something.’
‘Yeah, I thought that you were going to do something to me, like hurt me, or attack me, or leave me out there as some kind of prank…’
‘OH MY GOD… YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT??’
‘You thought that I was going to hurt you?? Are you kidding me? Why would I want to do that? Why would you even think that?’
‘Well, I dunno… you’re a stranger, and you’re older, and let’s face it, I’m blindly getting into a car with a stranger and agreeing to go for a ride, thinking that you’re going to take me to the library and instead I end up in… I don’t even know where… so naturally I’m going to assume the worst! Hello, didn’t your parents ever teach you about ‘Stranger Danger’??’
‘Oh, so that phone call, was that staged as well?
‘Oh, no, that was actually real. I really do have to get to the library to study.’
…more awkward silence.
We got to the park opposite the library where he pulled over to let me out. We both kind of sat there for what felt like ages. He felt like a fool; I felt like a fool… but neither of us knew what to do or say at this point. Then we both looked at each other as we both went to say something and it became that whole, ‘You first’, ‘No, you first’, etc etc. We both took a pause and just sat there looking at each other feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
‘Well, this has been sufficiently uncomfortable, so I’m gonna go and try to focus on something else. Can you pop the boot so I can get my bag out?’
B let out a small giggle and popped the boot. Just after I’d gotten out of the car to get my bag out of the boot, he quickly got out of the car and met me at the back of the car to open the boot. He reached in and grabbed my bag before I could and stood there, one hand holding up the boot and one hand holding my bag.
‘I’m really sorry bout all of this. This was absolutely nothing like I had thought it would be. I… I’m just… yeah… so embarrassed. I’m sorry!’
‘Look, don’t apologise, I feel just as embarrassed. So, ah, I’m just gonna go.’
‘Listen, could I maybe call you sometime? Maybe we could try all this again?’
I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. I really didn’t know what to do, or how to react, so in true fashion, I panicked.
‘Hmmm, I dunno. I don’t think so. I think this was already enough of a disaster. I don’t need another one.’
‘What? really? You’re no even going to give me your number?’
‘Nope. Anyway, I’m off. I’d say that this has been fun, but that would be a blatant lie. Maybe I’ll bump into you again at some point. If I don’t, have a nice life!’
I went to grab my bag, and just as I did, he dropped it on the ground, and grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him and kissed me.
Behind his car.
On the street.
In broad daylight.
In a country town.
I pulled myself away, and stood there staring at him. I wiped my mouth and tried so hard not to let my jaw drop all the way to the bitumen. I literally had no words. I just grabbed my bag and walked off. My mind, at that stage, was racing a million miles per hour. I crossed the road and began to walk up the library steps, and as much as I’d been resisting the urge to turn around, I gave in and snuck a quick glance over my shoulder. He was sitting on the boot of his car, with his hands on his head. As I walked inside, I heard the sound of his cars exhaust throttle off into the background noise of the traffic outside. I felt that frazzled I tried to scan my card to get through the library gates… only to realise that I was trying to scan my bank card.
Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!!? I’d never kissed anybody, let alone a guy, let alone some guy who I had thought was so completely unapproachable and would never in a million years even consider giving me the time of day, let alone trying to kiss me. What does it mean? What does that make me? What do I do now? Do I tell anybody? Do I have to tell anybody? Am I supposed to tell my mum? Oh my god, what do I tell mum? Do I even tell her anything? What the hell am I doing? Did that ACTUALLY happen? Did I just dream all of that? I just kissed a guy – well, he just kissed me. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST GOT KISSED BY A GUY IN THE STREET DURING THE DAY… WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?! Oh my god, what if he tells somebody? What if he tells his friend, and she tells her cousin, then she’ll tell all our friends. OH MY GOD MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO FIND OUT!! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?
Clearly, I was having some kind of mini-breakdown and all I wanted to do was to crawl into a hole and die.
Not even 5 minutes after finding my little table down the back and getting my books out, my friend turned up, almost like clockwork.
I honestly cannot remember anything that was discussed during that moment in the library because my mind was somewhere completely different. She was trying to talk to me about some assignment, and instead all I had happening in my head was an array of emotions.
I was in such a daze, I don’t even remember walking home, having dinner, going to bed etc. The next morning when I woke up, I thought that it was all some kind of elaborate and highly-realistic dream, but after having something for breakfast and a shower, I was still totally distracted by what had happened.
There was so much going on in my head all at once, I really didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t focus at all. I do remember that even after having a shower and getting dressed into my uniform for school, I didn’t actually end up going to school, and instead crawled back into bed (still in my uniform) and slept for the day. I woke up about 4pm to a knock on the door, it was one of my friends calling past on his way home after school, just checking in on me, seeing as how I didn’t turn up at school.
He, and some of my other friends had sent me a number of text messages – wanting to know if I was okay, why I wasn’t at school etc. It must have looked suspicious me answering the door in my uniform, albeit crumpled and wrinkled from sleeping in it all day. I wonder what was going through his head when he saw me. He must have thought I’d been out wagging or something. He didn’t stay, instead he just wanted to stop by and check in on me which was nice.
I was awake at this point, and realised that I needed to get ready for dance class. In fact, I was going to be late if I didn’t get my butt into gear.
I quickly got changed, packed my bag, grabbed my headphones and bounded out of the house. I had about 15mins to complete a walk that normally takes me 20mins. I had to race. I was about a block away, I just had to cross through the park and then over the bridge and I was there. As I passed through the park, I began to think back to the previous afternoon and everything that had transpired. Just as I was nearing the bridge, I see B in the distance walking off the bridge and heading in the opposite direction.
I literally froze dead in my tracks. Immediately I wished I could just make myself invisible. I didn’t know what to do. I was on an open path, and if I made a dash to hide behind the nearest bush or tree, he’d no doubt see it in his peripheral vision and look over in this direction. Again, I panicked, and immediately spun myself around and made a bee-line for the lake, with the intention of walking around the lake. It meant I was going to be late for class, but I’d rather be late than end up having a confrontation with B. I couldn’t handle that. I hadn’t been able to properly process my thoughts from yesterday.
I continued to walk around the lake, and I know that I was going to be late now, but I couldn’t change the fact. I walked back up towards the bridge, and as I waited for a break in the traffic, who should happen to drive right by me??
Tooting the horn and calling out to me, and suddenly swung the car around into a U-turn and pulled up in the side street, just as I crossed over to it. I could see the dance school entrance from where I was standing. I was so close, but I couldn’t just ignore him now. I had to deal with this.
I was walking towards his car, feeling completely terrified,
…and had absolutely no idea as to what was going to happen next. As I approached his car, he got out, closed the door and walked over to the footpath to greet me.
I was so nervous, I was literally waiting for my legs to completely buckle underneath me. I hadn’t really managed to process any of this whole situation, let alone come to terms with the fact that he kissed me, and so naturally, he was the last person that I wanted to be bumping into. I walked up to him and purposefully dropped my bag on the ground and stood there, arms folded with a scowl on my face.
‘So, it’s really comforting to see that you’re stalking me now… is this going to become a regular thing? Am I going to need to get a restraining order?’
…I went in guns blazing.
‘Oh, shit, well, it’s nice to see you, but clearly the feeling is not mutual.
‘I really don’t even know what to say to you. I wasn’t planning on bumping into you any time in the near future.’
‘Gee, was it that off-putting?’
‘Off-putting? I don’t even know what to think! I can’t even think properly because in one afternoon you somehow managed to completely turn my world upside down. One moment I’m thinking you’re going to murder me out in the bush, then out of the blue you’re kissing me in the middle of the street!! I don’t know what… I just… I don’t know!’
‘Do you have any idea how adorable you are right now?’
‘ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?? What the hell is wrong with you? Is this your ‘thing’? Is this what you do? Kiss random strangers and then stalk them?’
‘Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?’
‘Um, no. That’s the last thing that I want to do. You’re the last person that I want to see, right now. This conversation is the last thing I want to be doing. And now I’m too late for my ballet lesson, so…’
‘So now you’re free!’
‘No. No, now I’m going home.’
‘Oh, cool. I’ll drive you home.’
‘Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, I’m not getting in that car again. That’s just asking for trouble.’
‘It’ll save you the walk..’
‘No. I’m going. See ya.’
I picked up my bag, and turned around and began to walk away.
‘So, can I have your number yet?’
‘GO FUCK YOURSELF’ I called out over my shoulder as I continued to walk away.
‘IS THIS BECAUSE YOU ENJOYED THE KISS TOO MUCH?’
I froze in my tracks. Truth be told, I really did actually enjoy the kiss.
It was mesmerising. It was as though everything momentarily stopped, whilst my brain went into meltdown trying to process what was going on. I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. UGH!! What is wrong with me?
I slowly turned around. ‘What did you say?’ I said through clenched teeth.
‘So you DID enjoy it. I thought so.’
I walked back towards him and threw my backpack at him. OOOFF. ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘I want you to stay away from me. Is that understood. I don’t need this. I can’t deal with this, I’m not really…’
He dropped my bag, and grabbed my waist. I put my hands on his chest to hold myself away. Sidenote… although I was feeling angry, I was enjoying what I was feeling under his t-shirt..
‘Seriously, can we please talk. You clearly need to, and I would like to as well. I promise I’ll behave. I just want to talk. Please?’
‘Ugh… will it get you off my case?’
‘uugghhh… FINE THEN!! But make it quick!’
I picked up my bag and got in the car, and we went for a drive… to his place. On the other side of town. I was beginning to regret this decision. Yet again I had managed to get myself into a potentially dangerous situation, and nobody knew where I was.
Well done., dumbass.
We got out of the car and he took me inside. We stood in the kitchen drinking some water.
‘I’m really sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to upset you, or make you angry. I’m not sorry that I kissed you though, that I really enjoyed.’
‘Look, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing here, but I’m not going to be a part of it. I don’t know what’s what. I’m so confused and scared and mentally exhausted from over-thinking EVERYTHING. I just…’
‘Hey, hey, shhhh…’ He walked over and put his glass on the sink and then stood right in front of me. ‘I know how you feel. I’ve been there before. Trust me, I get it. I’m sorry that I came on so strong. I didn’t mean to, I just got a bit too carried away in the moment, that’s all. I didn’t mean to scare you and I’m really sorry that I did. Although I must say, I’m a bit surprised that you thought that I was planning to kill you… that’s a bit extreme.’
‘Yeah… my mind tends to get a bit ridiculous at times. I’m sorry that I blew up at you and reacted the way I have been. I’m sorry. This is all so new to me, and I’m not sure how to process everything.’
‘Am I the first guy you’ve kissed?’ I felt so embarrassed. I just looked at the floor and went a lovely shade of red. ‘Oh my god, I am, aren’t I? That’s even more adorable. You know something, you’re going to remember that for the rest of your life. You always remember your first kiss. If it’s worth anything, I really enjoyed that kiss.’
I looked up at him, raising my eyebrows. ‘Really? I’ve never… uh… you know…’
‘I know. I get it. It was nice. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it all the time.’
He looked at me with a shipping grin on his face, and I smiled, and blushed a little more. He leant in a little closer and whispered in my ear, ‘I think you’re so cute. I just want to kiss you all the time.’
He repeated himself, and was merely a couple of inches from my face. My heart was pounding so hard, I could swear I could see it making my t-shirt pulse. I didn’t know what was going on. I had so much racing through my head, and I had no idea where this was going to lead… I was terrified and excited all at once.
‘Oh, fuck it!’ and I closed my eyes, leant forward and kissed him. And I mean I KISSED him!! It was incredible. I couldn’t believe that I was standing there in his kitchen, feeling his tongue on my tongue; feeling his body pressed up against mine; feeling his body heat; feeling the strength of his arms as he held me tighter.
That was the moment. That was the moment I knew for sure that I wanted more. I was still quite terrified by what was happening, but I was loving every single second. In one swift movement, he’d picked me up and sat me on the bench, still with his arms around me and his tongue in my mouth. It was almost as though we were sharing the same breath. It was so incredible and so hot. Moments later he put my legs around his waist, picked me up and carried me through the kitchen, down the hall and into his bedroom.
I think that we must have laid on his bed, just kissing, for about 45 minutes. Him being the older, more-experienced one kept trying to take things further, but me, being the terrified and inexperienced one kept resisting and saying no. Part of me wanted to go further, but the other part of me was just simply far too scared. I had barely even begun to get my head around the fact that we were kissing, let alone anything more than that.
That’s when my secret infatuation began. Nobody knew. Nobody. I don’t even know if I’d consider it a relationship… I mean, I guess it was some kind of relationship, but we weren’t boyfriends or anything. I’d sometimes meet him after school and we’d go and make out for a while. They were moments, that helped me grow and develop and mature. I learnt a lot in a very short time.
I then remember a few weeks later, I was waiting to meet him at our usual spot, and he never turned up. I messaged him a couple of times, and called him a few times, and no reply. A day passed and I heard nothing. Another day passed, and still nothing. Before I knew it, an entire week had passed, and he’d not responded to any of my calls or texts.
I realised that I’d essentially been ‘dumped’ from whatever our ‘relationship’ was. It’s just that he didn’t have the decency to actually tell me. I was so upset. I felt so stupid. I was so angry with him. And I remained angry with him for so long.
Eventually I got over it, and put it out of my mind. I hadn’t seen him around. I hadn’t seen his car in the streets. I wanted to get my friend to ask her friend (B’s cousin) to find out what was going on, but I couldn’t do that. I just had to let it go.
It was roughly 18 months later, when I was walking through the park en-route to Ballet, who do I happen to see walking towards me, but B. As I got closer he recognised that it was me, and I could see that we wanted nothing more than to just run away, instead of having to answer for himself. As he got a bit closer, he’s like ‘Oh my god, how are you? it’s been so long…’
‘ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??! 18 MONTHS OF NOT RETURNING MY CALLS OR TEXTS AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE ALL LIKE ‘OH HI, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU’. SERIOUSLY?? THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE?? GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!’
I full on smacked him right in the face and made his nose bleed. Not that I’m one to condone violence, fuck me that felt so incredibly satisfying. He was on the ground on his knees with blood pouring out of his nose. All I wanted to was kick him whilst he was down, but I held back, and walked off.
I was so upset, I walked out of sight, around the other side of the lake, and bawled my eyes out. I didn’t go to my ballet class. Instead, I made my way home, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. All those unresolved thoughts and feelings had come flooding back in a heartbeat when I saw him, and the blinding rage that I had long since forgotten, was back with a vengeance and had completely taken over my body. When I saw him, I saw red and totally lost control. I’m not proud of what I did, but I can’t deny that it felt quite satisfying.
That was the last time I saw B for quite some time. I think he got my message loud and clear.