Mar 24: Change One Thing

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

 
Just one thing?

That’s actually quite hard.

I think I’d like to be able to be more tolerant of people. More tolerant of their stupidity, and be able to sympathise with them, rather than wanting to smack them in the face for being so mind-numbingly stupid.

Yes, clearly, tolerance is what I need in my life. I just don’t seem to have it. Well, that’s not entirely true. Or maybe it’s not tolerance, maybe what I need is patience instead?

I’m not entirely what it is, but something that will stop myself from filling with extreme rage when people do / ask / say really dumb stuff in society. I let it affect me waaaaayyyy too much, and I need to learn how to stop it from getting to me the way it does. The rage is just so overwhelming.

Oh my god, the rage!!

My ‘stupid people rage’. It’s well-known. It’s become part of my personality. It’s something that people know me for. Hell, I’ve managed to write an entirely separate blog dedicated to it… Granted, I draw so much attention to it for my own therapy, and to get it out of my system, but I also draw attention to it to give it a spotlight. To show all the people out there that are only looking at the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, that actually, people can be pretty fucking stupid and you can’t tell me that it’s all in my head. I’m not the only one who sees it.

Daily Prompt: Mr. Sandman

What kind of sleeper are you? Do you drop off like a stone and awaken refreshed, or do you need pitch black and silence to drift off to dream?

I could quite easily sleep for ten hours, wake up, get dressed, have some breakfast, and then go back to sleep for at least another three or four hours. When I’m particularly stressed, or suffering from considerably anxiety, all I want to do is shut myself away in bed for a few days and just sleep. When I’m on holidays, all I want to do is sleep.

I’m very much a deep sleeper. Sometimes it’s great, but sometimes it’s a bit scary.

Before I met Hulk, it never concerned me. I’ve always been somebody who loves to sleep – probably because I just can’t get enough of it.

Having a partner who is a diabetic is something that truly scares me. There’s been nights where he’s been in bed next to me having a hypo (where his blood sugar is dangerously low), and I’ve been completely oblivious to it. Generally speaking, a severe hypo means that he will sweat profusely, and lose the ability to move. His body begins to seize up, and sometimes he can start to shake / convulse slightly. He loses the ability to talk. The reality is, he can go into a coma in his sleep, or worse, die.

So for me, it’s truly terrifying to know that I’m such a deep sleeper. There have been several moments where I’ve been completely out of it and off in dreamland, and he’s been right next to me, having a severe hypo. Because he can’t move or really say anything louder than a whisper or a gasp, I’m completely oblivious to what is happening right next to me.

I’ve had a number of nights where this has happened, and I’ve woken up to find him like this, purely by chance. I don’t know how long he’s been in that state, but as soon as I realise what’s going on, it’s like an instant shot of adrenaline, and my brain goes into overdrive, and before I know it, I’m rummaging around in the kitchen looking for something sugary to give him in order to bring his blood-sugar levels back up.

The one thing that completely terrifies me is the thought that he could die in his sleep. He could die in his sleep, and I wouldn’t know, simply because I’m such a deep sleeper. Just the thought of it, sends shivers down my spine. God forbid that ever happened… I’d never be able to live with myself. The guilt would just be too much. I’m supposed to be looking after him and taking care of him!!

I’ve noticed that with Hulk, he’s quite tired lately. We both are. Taking on too much, pushing our bodies with our gym commitments, long hours in the office, late nights – it all takes it’s toll on the body. By the time the weekend comes around, we’ve usually got a lot of stuff to do, but really, all we want to do is just sleep. I’d love to be able to go to the gym Saturday morning, then come home, have some breakfast and then have a nap for a couple of hours. Get up, do some housework, go grocery shopping, and then come home for another nap.

The reality of being able to do that however… not an option.

Even when it comes to having a nap – I’m not one of these people that can have a 30min power nap and wake up feeling all brand new. If I have a nap, I need like 2 – 3 hours at least, otherwise I actually wake up feeling considerably worse than I was before I had my nap.

I know that there have been sleep studies done to show the optimal time for a nap, in order for it do be restful and restorative for the body, but for me, the rules don’t apply. I’ll close my eyes when I need to, and then I’ll open them again when my body says I’m ready to. That might be 2 hours, 8 hours, or 15 hours. When I was a teenager, I’d sometimes spend entire days sleeping.

I remember sometimes going to bed and sleeping the whole night, and the entire next day, having over 24hrs sleep – obviously because I needed it. I know that some reports have said that too much sleep is bad for you, but I tend to disagree with that. I don’t think that such a thing exists.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/daily-prompt-mr-sandman/

Daily Prompt: Young At Heart

What are your thoughts on aging? How will you stay young at heart as you get older?

The thought of getting older is actually something that secretly terrifies me. I find that when I start thinking about it, I get a bit obsessed about it.

I feel as though I’ve been robbed of a life of enjoyment. Life has robbed me of the opportunities to do the sort of things that you’re supposed to do in certain age groups.

For example, when I was in my late teens, all I wanted was to study dance and pursue that as a career. That didn’t happen because of a spinal injury.

In my Twenties, those are the years that you’re supposed to be travelling the world; working overseas; finding yourself etc etc etc. Well, I guess I managed to find myself. The other two – that didn’t happen. Whilst other friends of mine were off getting dance contracts on Cruise Ships, I was stuck in an office cubicle, feeling miserable and being bullied by my employer to the point of having a small nervous breakdown.

In my mid-twenties, other people were working hard and saving for house deposits – I on the other hand was too busy struggling to be able to pay my rent, buy groceries and pay my bills. I was caught up in being Miss Independent, and dealing with an absolutely clusterfuck of a relationship that pretty much destroyed me mentally and emotionally.

By the time I had reached my late twenties, I still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that I was already in my late-twenties. Thirty was rapidly approaching, and it was approaching at a speed that I just wasn’t prepared for. People were getting married and having kids, and buying cars and houses, and here I was renting a shitty apartment with Hulk, trying to determine what our future had in store for us. Everybody around us was travelling overseas – but it was constant. Somebody was just coming back from overseas, and planning their next trip. As they were coming back, other people were getting ready to leave. Sometimes it was a week here or there, or going for two / three / four weeks at a time. I couldn’t wrap my head around how these people were able to afford to do so.

Then it clicked. Money. Management. The one thing that I simply cannot do.

Now that I’m in my early thirties, I still feel lost and confused. Part of me is telling me that I should be doing responsible things like saving for a house deposit. Or saving for a trip overseas. One of my friends is over in Europe for a few weeks. Other friends of ours are in the U.S. for a few weeks. One of my co-workers has just left to go to New York for three weeks. Another co-worker is going overseas for two or three months later in the year. I just find it so depressing.

I still don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up. There’s certainly a lot that I dream about achieving, but getting it to actually happen is a completely different story. I don’t want to be one of those people who is stuck in the same job for twenty years, but I realised that I’ve already been in my job for (I think) ten years already.

If that’s the case… where was my fucking celebration cake? Probably because it’s not the sort of achievement that should be celebrated. Oh congratulations. You’ve failed at life so epically, you’ve achieved absolutely nothing, and are basically more than happy to just settle with a shitty job that doesn’t fulfill you for ten years. *slow claps* well done, loser. What a role model!!

So even though I may get older in age, I still feel young at heart. I still love my video games, in particular, LEGO ones. I love going to the movies. I love going to concerts. I’ve pretty much lost all interest in going out, simply because the ‘scene’ nowadays has totally changed.

…Oh god, I just used the terms ‘nowadays’. Just call me grandpa.

I still buy cool clothes and shoes, but at the end of the day, it’s just stuff. It’s not a house. It’s not a car. It’s not a trip overseas. I really should focus on achieving those.

…but maybe I’ll think about that after the LEGO Movie Game comes out on PS3 next week. hehehe.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/prompt-young/

Daily Prompt: Three Coins in the Fountain

Have you ever tossed a coin or two into a fountain and made a wish? Did it come true?

When I was younger, I was always told that if you toss a coin in the countain and make a wish, it will come true.

…My parents lied to me.

I don’t know how much money I’ve just thrown away on these empty beliefs over the years… I always wanted to believe that something would happen, but nothing ever did. Nothing I ever wished for came true… Actually, that’s not entirely true. I remember when I was a kid, I made a wish for a GameBoy for my birthday…

…I just didn’t anticipate it taking 10 years to actually come true. I kinda thought that it would have more of a turn-around period of twelve-months instead. But clearly not.

I stopped tossing coins into fountains the day I saw a bunch of kids in a particularly large fountain in Sydney. This was a particular fountain that a lot of tourists would toss a coin into – almost like one of those things you have to do anytime you visit Sydney. But this one day, I saw all these kids in there collecting all the coins, and running off with them. A fountain full of wishes… and they were all being stolen.

Maybe that’s why none of my wishes came true – because some little shits kept stealing them.

If you steal the coin from the fountain, do you steal the wish as well??

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/daily-prompt-coins/

Daily Prompt: Papa Loves Mambo

What sort of music was played in your house when you were growing up? What effect, (if any) did it have on your musical tastes?

I remember as a kid, being subjected to all different kinds of music. When I was a little kid, I remember my parents were both into music by Roy Orbison, John Farnham, Van (The Man) Morrison, Sarah McLachlan etc. My father loved artists like Slim Dusty, Jimmy Barnes, Cold Chisel, Australian Crawl, Dire Straits, Midnight Oil etc etc. Mum’s music taste on the other hand, was completely different. She was a bit all over the place. She listed to artists like Joni Mitchell, Crowded House, Peter Gabriel, Tracy CHapman, Phil Collins as well as artists like Madonna, Enya, INXS, The Eurythmics etc.

Needless to say, I was exposed to quite an eclectic variety of music, and because I was too young to really have my own taste in music, I generally seemed to like whatever mum liked. As for Dad’s music… i loathed it, however, unfortunately that didn’t change the fact that I was subjected to it regularly. Sometimes I look back and ask myself whether or not that type of behaviour would be considered a mild form of child abuse?

What makes it worse is that I still know so many of those songs, even to this day. It was only a couple of weeks ago, I found myself constantly singing John Farnham songs to myself, and got a little bit too obsessed about it. I realised that something was wrong when I was looking through the iTunes Store contemplating whether or not I buy his Greatest Hits album… :-S sidenote: I didn’t buy anything… although even thinking about it now I still kind of want to… *sings* ‘Just give me a reason / And I’ll come runnin’ / When I have reasons / I’ll know the way / I’m pointing my feet in the right direction / give me a reason… <Reasons -John Farnham

GOD DAMN IT!! Now I wanna buy his albums… just FYI Whispering Jack and Chain Reaction were my favourites as a kid. I remember we’d always play them in the car when we went away on family trips in the car… even as a small child, I’d be in the back seat, wailing away…

…and now I realise just how that has affected me and who I’ve become. hehehe.

*listens to a preview of ‘Playing To Win’ on iTunes*

…DAMMIT!!!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/daily-prompt-papa-loves-mambo/

Mar 20: Know One’s Self

Benjamin Franklin said: “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” Do you think you know yourself well?

I sit here in this food court, and I can say quite confidently that I know myself quite well. A little too well. I know that there are certain things about me that I like, and there are things about me that I don’t like, and that I hide away in a dark place never to see the light of day. I know that I am full of secrets, regrets, creativity, emotion, talent and ability.

However, there are also certain things about myself that I don’t necessarily understand, or am able to explain. I think I know, however, I’m not entirely sure. For that reason, I sometimes feel like I need to have some kind of intense therapy session, like hypnosis, so I can have somebody tap into my subconscious and extract all the answers I can’t resolve on my own.

In saying that, it’s a concept that intrigues me and terrifies me all at once. I don’t like the idea of not being able to control what I say or do. I’m on of those people who need to stay in control of my own actions. However, secretly I’d want to know what I would say. I know that I’m extremely analytical, especially self analytical, and that can be both a blessing and a burden. Sometimes knowing myself so well can be great because I can make decisions quickly and easily, however, knowing myself also means that I can back myself into a corner, and it’s hard to get myself out from there.

I was thinking about something I read the other day about true happiness, and although I know what I think would make me truly happy, I also think that if I were to have that, it would actually have the opposite reaction, and make me rather unhappy. It’s hard to make those kind of judgements, whilst being able to see the situation from both sides of the fence. Hence why I say it can be a blessing and a burden.

All I know is that I know myself better than anybody else will, and as long as I know who I am, that’s all that truly matters for me.

Daily Prompt: The Happy Wanderer

What’s your travel style? Are you itinerary and schedule driven, needing to have every step mapped out in advance or are you content to arrive without a plan and let happenstance be your guide?

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I need to have a plan. There’s no way I’m going to be travelling anywhere, well, anywhere I’ve never been, and not having some idea of what I’m doing or where I’m going. If I’m going there for a reason, I need to know where the airport is, how far it is to the hotel, the best way to get there. Then from the hotel, where’s the closest supermarket? Can I walk there? What time does it close? etc etc.

If I’m going somewhere for a specific purpose, then I don’t really need to do much planning, because I already know what I’m going to be doing when I arrive. If I’m going on a holiday then I…

…hang on… I’ve never actually HAD a holiday, so I can’t really finish that sentence. I guess when I actually manage to have a holiday, I’d much prefer for it to be unplanned. I’ll still do my background research, but there won’t necessarily be a daily itinerary (take note, Hulk!!) of what to do each day – it will all depends on what’s available, and what the weather is like. Why plan to go snorkelling one day, only to wake up and discover that the weather is miserable. Suddenly you can’t reschedule your snorkelling adventure because you’ve got all this other stuff planned every other day, and, what’s that? You can’t get a refund on the tickets? Oh, what a shame!!

That’s not how I roll. When I go on holidays, I’ll be going somewhere to relax and maybe play tourist. Maybe.

Hulk, on the other hand, is the person who will want a complete itinerary for every hour of every day, because that’s how he rolls. But let’s just say that whatever decisions are made… I make the final say. hehehe.

I’ve always wondered how everybody around me is always managing to afford to regularly go overseas. Even people who work part time… and they somehow manage to head on over to Bali or Thailand etc three or four times a year. How?? Sometimes I can’t even afford grocery shopping and I make a decent wage. Granted, I know that I am so completely hopeless with managing my money, whereas these other people clearly aren’t.

…or they have wealthy parents.. ??!!

I’d love to be able to come back from one trip, and then start planning my next trip a couple of months later. I couldn’t think of anything more exciting – at least that would always give you something to be looking forward to – especially if you happen to have a very unfulfilling and mundane job. I’d love nothing more than to go home tonight, and say ‘fuck it. Let’s book a holiday. We’re going to for 10 days in June…’ but unfortunately, for us, life doesn’t work like that. There’s waaaay too many variables to consider… not to mention my work more than likely turning around and telling me ‘NO’.

…granted, the same work that also get on my back about not taking my leave. *sigh* oh it’s a never-ending contradiction.

You know what I need… a holiday!!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/19/daily-prompt-the-happy-wanderer/

Mar 19: Your Own Best Friend

Would you say that you are your own best friend?

 

Well, there’s Hulk, but sometimes he doesn’t even count. I have moments where I will want to tell him something, or share something with him from my day, and he just tunes out. Even if he doesn’t actually verbally say anything, his actions tell me that he really doesn’t give a shit, and probably just wants me to shut the fuck up.

Unfortunately, years of this behaviour has lead me to not really share much with him. Take this blog for example. I wanted nothing more than to a) tell him that I was actually undertaking this project; and b) hoping that he might show the most minute shred of remote interest, pat me on the back, say ‘good for you, baby’ and send me on my merry way.

Instead, when I went to tell him about it, I got instantly shut down and told that he doesn’t want to hear about it. He wants to know nothing about it. He thinks it’s a stupid idea, and thinks that I certainly shouldn’t be writing it.

After initially feeling completely floored by this overreaction… I took anmoment to try and explain to him in more detail, and make a point of emphasising the fact that he was CLEARLY confused, and was thinking of my other blog, but he wouldn’t hear it. He had already decided that he didn’t want to even give me a chance to say what I had to say. He’d made up his mind that he wanted to know NOTHING, and because I’d told him this during our romantic dinner.. it made the rest of the meal quite uncomfortable and awkward… and silent.

…so romantic.

So here I am 240+ posts later, and he still refuses to even let me have a moment to talk to him about it. The hands go up and I get “I told you, I don’t want to know about it”. It’s quite disappointing and disheartening.

Oh well.

Because of moments like this, I do become my own best friend. I do things for me. Things that are just for me, because I know he wont want to be involved, or it doesn’t interest him. It can sometimes be really hard having a partner who can sometimes be such a complete polar opposite to me… but then I think that perhaps those moments are what make us work so well…? Variety is a good thing in a relationship, right??

Daily Prompt: That’s Amore

Think of your longest relationship: describe how your love has changed over time, did you go from the giddiness of infatuation, to mad passion, to deep respect, esteem, and friendship? Tell us about your love story.

It’s somewhat surreal for me to even find myself in my current relationship, simply due to the fact that this is my current relationship. I’ve never been with anybody as long as I have with Hulk, and it’s been something like six or seven years. Admittedly, it probably looks bad that I’m not even really sure how long we’ve been together, but in saying that, neither of us could work out our anniversary either, so we ended up negotiating the date and settling on a date in May.

Our relationship is something so completely different to any other relationship that I’ve ever had, probably due to the fact that it is so much more normal in comparison to any other relationship I’ve had previously – there’s only a couple of guys that I would consider of having been in a ‘relationship’ with… the others… well… it was more of a ‘casual’ kinda thing… How do I write that without making myself sounding like a man-whore? It’s not like there were many… only like two or three… if that. And you know what, they all turned out to be crazy. Like, batshit fucking crazy. God help me if I ever decide to write about those experiences… hehehe

As for Hulk and I… it’s just different. I think because it’s been consistent for so long, and we have that history behind us, and between us, where we know each other. We know how each other thinks, we know how each other works in almost every situation. We really have become a little married couple… just without the marriage.

We met through work when he was my manager and I just happen to be introduced to him. I didn’t even know that he was gay. I on the other hand, wore my sexual identity like a badge of honour. It didn’t take long after that initial meeting before we first met up outside work… then not long after that, we were standing in the street talking before he went home one night before he leant in and kissed me. We were standing under the street light, and I’d been wondering whether or not this moment was ever going to happen. I didn’t want to come on too strong as he wasn’t ‘out’ yet to many people, so wasn’t necessarily sure whether he was interested in like that.

…turns out he was.

From that innocent (and passionate kiss), we’ve lived together in two different apartments, and built a life together. Sometimes it spins me out that I’ve actually become this person living happily ever after with my faux-husband. But don’t for a second think that it’s been smooth sailing – we’ve certainly had our fair share of ups and downs and arguments over the years – just like any other couple – but I just consider them to be much worse because we’re both so incredibly stubborn, and both know how to completely blow up, lose our shit, and hold a grudge for an infinite amount of time…

Having said that, he’s my best friend.

He’s the one who always pulls me into line when I’m being a dick; he helps do my thinking for me when I’m about to fire off an abusive email; he’s the only person that I want to be with when I’m having a shit day. He calms me down. He’s the one that I come home to. He’s the one that I curl up to at night in bed. He’s the one who lets me share his pillow (and drool on it in my sleep) and not give a shit.

I love him.

I will always love him.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/18/daily-prompt-thats-amore/

Mar 21: Selfish or Selfless?

Do you do more for yourself or for others?

 
I would say that I have an equal balance of both. Yes I do a lot of things for myself – I certainly buy myself a lot of stuff, but I’m also always willing to help out others if and when they need me.

It’s something that I’ve been aware of for many, many years. And it’s certainly changed significantly over those years.

When I was younger, I was constantly putting myself second, and everybody else was first. I was an incredibly selfless individual. I was always off doing something for somebody else, and completely disregarding whatever I had to do for myself – usually resulting in something not getting done, or getting it done quite late.

I often referred to it as ‘Country-boy Syndrome’. I would put everybody elses needs before mine, because that’s how I grew up as a kid in the country. Back then, being selfish was unheard of, and you always go out of your way to help other people – that’s one of the qualities that makes a decent human being.

When I moved to Melbourne, I brought this philosophy with me. Being the naive country kid, most of the time I didn’t realise that others were taking advantage of my good, generous nature. And then as time passed, I began to cotton on to what was happening around me. Yes it was disappointing, because people were always asking for my help, but on the very rare occasions where I would ask them for their help, they were all conveniently busy – even when I asked them weeks in advance.

The final straw was when I was in my early twenties. I’d spent the last couple of years being messed around by various housemates; I’d spent so much time being messed around by my ‘ex’ (G), and something inside of me snapped. I’d had enough, and things were going to change.

It was time to start putting ME first for a change, and when I did, everybody took note. I learnt how to say no to people. I learnt how to actually do things that I wanted to do for a change. I was also working full-time and earning my own money, so I was able to buy things for myself, which I’d never really been able to do before – financial independence!!

Since then, I’ve grown and matured, and seen people for who and what they really are. Unfortunately, as a result, I have a less-than-positive view on society in general. People label me as being negative, or a pessimist, and make it sound like a really bad thing, but I prefer to call it being a realist. I always started out with a view of life being sunshine, puppies and rainbows, but then over time I realised that it was all bullshit, and I was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Now that I am, my views have changed. I see people for what they really are. I’m not saying that everybody is like that, but generally speaking, people in society are extremely selfish, and will do whatever it takes to get something that they want. People are ruthless. People are not afraid to throw you under the bus if it will allow them to achieve something.

Yes, there are still people who see the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, and, well, good for them. They choose to see the ‘good’ in everything, however, I just see it as being ignorant. That’s not how society is. That’s not how people operate.