Daily Prompt – I Can’t Stay Mad at You

Do you hold grudges or do you believe in forgive and forget?

Correction… I can and WILL stay mad at you for as long as I feel like it…

Give me a reason to hold a grudge… any reason… any reason at all… regardless of how minor it may be, and it’s like setting something into concrete – I’ll hold onto that grudge for as long as I need to.

Hi, I’m a Scorpio, and I’m the wrong person you want to be pissing off. Ever. For me, holding grudges is something that just happens . Naturally. Like learning to walk, or brushing your teeth at night. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always held grudges against people, even when I was a kid. I was always of the mindset that if you’re going to piss me off or upset me, then I want nothing to do with you.

…and that was just primary school!

When I got to high school, add some raging hormones to the mix and you’ve got one incredibly volatile individual. Back then it was grudge-central. I was constantly being bullied as well, so naturally, that just made everything much worse. I was just filled with rage. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself because I had become so emotionally fragile. I hated my bullies. No, I mean I absolutely fucking HATED my bullies. I would find myself regularly having dreams (nightmares?) about them all finding their ultimate demise. Whether they would die in some kind of horrific accident, or if I just went on some kind of psychotic murderous rampage, they all had the same theme – making my tormentors die as slowly and as painfully as possible as a form of payback for making my life an absolute living hell.

I always thought that it was better for me to channel my hatred and rage and pain into thoughts of destroying my bullies rather than putting into thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Yes, I know it’s not healthy or ideal, but it’s the lesser of two evils.

After high school I had a gap year of study, which turned out to be a complete #fail, but it was good for me – I explored my passion for dance and musical theatre, as well as travelled to Sydney several times for open classes at places like Brent Street and Sydney Dance Company. I didn’t necessarily have anything to do with my tormentors that year which was good. It’s incredible how much life can change once you’re removed from an emotionally painful environment – like high school!

The following year I moved interstate and would sometimes come back home to visit during the term holidays. Part of these visits would be to spend them with my best girlfriend and hang out as much as possible as I missed her terribly and just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before I had to leave again. Unfortunately part of this time together was spent out socialising at a couple of bars in town… With some of her friends.

What I found so incredibly fascinating was that although some of her friends and those in her social circle were mostly those who had bullied and tormented me over the years, two years late seeing them out at a club, was like we were all best friends. They were all smiley and friendly saying how great it was to see me… All I wanted to do was punch them in the mouth and throw them into oncoming traffic.

Seriously. So good to see me?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Just the concept of them saying that filled me with even more rage, which made me feel even worse.

So why didn’t you just leave? Well because they were all my girlfriends friends, I wanted to at least be as civil towards them as I could. It was certainly an incredible test of my own strength, because all I wanted to do was just erupt and rip into every single one of them.

But it was two years after high school, couldn’t you just let it go? Well, clearly they could, but that’s probably because they chose to make my life hell because they were all in ‘the popular group’ or as we all referred to them, ‘The ‘A’ Group’. They probably didn’t give a fuck as to the impact their actions had on my life. Some of them probably didn’t realise just how hurtful they were, nor do I believe they felt any remorse whatsoever for what they had done to me. I think that after a couple of social outings with these people and realising just what kind of people they truly were, I realised that moving out of that town was the best decision for me to make. To get as much distance as I could, so I could just forget about it and let it go.

Well, even fourteen years after finishing high school, I may have let it all go and left it behind me, but you NEVER forget. EVER!!

If you or somebody you know is going through a tough time and feeling sad or depressed, encourage them to talk to somebody. (Australian organisations below. For those of you overseas, please contact your local counselling service)

 

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