Think about an object, an activity, or a cultural phenomenon you really don’t like. Now write a post (tongue in cheek or not — your call!) about why it’s the best thing ever.
Jeebus, where the fuck do I start… Football maybe? Chino’s? Hipsters? Dumbass people on public transport? Stupid drivers? Fucktards in general…?
Well, in case you hadn’t already sensed it, i’m quite the cynic / pessimist, although in saying that, I’m not a fan of the word pessimist, I prefer the term realist instead.
So what exactly do I want to write a few hundred words on…?
Let’s go with one of my favourite topics… stupid people. Now, I have another blog which I have neglected for the past 6 months, called The Fucktard Diaries, which is basically a collection of my dealings with stupid people… and there’s a lot of them out there. Some people don’t like the concept of documenting the stupid things that these people do, but I feel as though something needs to be said, even if it’s just for me to get it off my chest as a form of therapy – talking about it, documenting it, so then it’s not swimming around in my brain pissing me off any more than it already does.
Some of the worst offenders are those who catch public transport, and almost daily I find myself looking at these fuckwits in disbelief, thinking ‘Really, bitch? Really??’ and just watch the stupidity unfold in front of me.
Like my trip to work the other day. Now, granted, this is pretty much what happens almost on a daily basis, so I’m kind of used to it by now, but it started with missing the bus because it turned up 5 minutes early, forcing me to wait another 20 minutes for the next one, only to then catch that, and get stuck in peak hour traffic. Now, In this particular intersection, the traffic turns into Moore St, going from two lanes to one, and it’s also the truck route for all the trucks travelling to and from the docks, so it’s always bumper to bumper there. Now, what happens, is that when you’re turning from Ballarat Road (which is four lanes), into Moore Street, you’re not supposed to turn if there’s traffic banked up to the intersection, because then you block the oncoming traffic.
Shouldn’t take a genius to figure that one out, and hey, I don’t even fucking drive, and I know the road rules. Not that it’s even necessarily road rules, but more simply common-fucking-sense. IT SHOULDN’T BE SO DIFFICULT!!
So anyway, the bus gets to the intersection, waiting to turn, and CLEARLY there is no room for a damn bus to fit, but, with an impatient driver who doesn’t want to wait through another series of lights, he decides to just go for it. Turns the bus, and then suddenly realises, ‘oh deary me, I seem to now be stuck in the middle of the intersection. I didn’t realise that I wouldn’t be able to fit A FUCKING BUS (!!!) into that tiny two-metre space behind that last car in Moore Street, and now, I’m blocking four lanes of oncoming traffic. I can’t understand why all these cars are beeping their horns and yelling at me, can’t they just go around me??
Then, by the time we get to the intersection just before the train station, there’s a mad rush of people to stand up in the aisle of the bus, like it’s some kind of race to see who’s going to get off first. Now, I don’t get it at all, and I’m like ‘Bitch, what’s the hurry? Everybody is going to be able to get off the bus, it’s not like there’s a prize for being the first one through the doors… but some people seem to act like there is. And they have no problems whatsoever about pushing people out of the way to do so. However, the last time some impatient bitch tried to push past me, I knocked her with my giant backpack, and sent her back into her fucking seat. SETTLE DOWN, BITCH!!
Then we get to the train.
So, for those of you who catch peak-hour trains, you’ve no doubt had your fair share of packed trains, and accepting that if a train is simply too full, you can’t get on and just wait for the next one. Common sense, right? Well, apparently not. These fuckwits see a packed train pull up at the platform, and then force themselves onto the carriage. Now I’m not sure what the fuck is going on in their minds when this happens, but it just completely baffles me. Standing there looking at a carriage that is already packed in like sardines, and they must think ‘OH MY GOD, LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE JUST FOR ME!!’ There’s barely room to breathe, but somehow, they just squeeze their way in.
The other aspect of this is the fuckwits who all crowd around where the doors are, but don’t actually move down the aisles of the train, to allow for more people to get on the train. But what drives me fucking crazy is that nobody a) takes the initiative to move down, and b) nobody has the confidence to tell people to ‘move down’. Seriously.. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? It’s so obvious that there is all this space in the middle of the train, why don’t you stand there so that other people can get on the train??! Nope. Too hard, apparently. So sometimes I’m the one who starts yelling for people to move down, which is usually met with looks of surprise, as if to say, ‘Oh me, oh my, where did all this extra space magically appear from? How is it that I didn’t notice it? Oh gee, I’m so surprised!’ No, you’re not surprised, you’re just a dickhead. Move the fuck down. The best part is when some cranky bitch gets on the train, well, wants to get on the train, and she starts screaming at people for being so fucking ignorant, and telling them to move down, I kinda stand there in a state of awe, wanting to go and introduce myself to them and making a new friend, based on our mutual hatred for dumb people.
But then there are the parts that just make it worse.
Like the people who crowd the doorways and don’t move down the aisles, WHEN THERE ARE A HEAP OF AVAILABLE SEATS!! Bitch, sit your fucking stupid arse in a seat, or get the fuck out of my way so *I* can sit there.
Or the people who just stand there and pretend they’re invisible. The ones who either avoid eye-contact with you, or just close their eyes and take a deep breath in, and, I dunno, think that they’re suddenly really thin so everybody can get past them. NO! WRONG, BITCH!! YOU’RE BIGGER THAN I AM, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING HANDBAG AND MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY SO PEOPLE CAN GET OFF THE TRAIN!! I don’t know what it is, but when it comes to people getting off a packed train, it’s a nightmare. There’s some kind of mentality about not wanting to get off the train.
For example, the train I catch, goes through North Melbourne station. Nth Melbourne is a major station, and is usually a station where a majority of people get off to go to work, or change trains. But the same thing happens every time we get to Nth Melbourne. The train will be packed, and a heap of people will need to get off, but nobody wants to get out of the way, and after enough people start yelling out ‘EXCUSE ME!!’ because people all have their earphones in, or just simply ignoring everybody around them, they either try and shuffle off to the side, which doesn’t actually help the situation at all, or they have to physically get off the train in order to let the stampede of others get off the train.
Now, for those who need to get off the train to clear the doorways do so with so much reluctance, to the point where they will all kind of stand around shoulder-to-shoulder, again, almost blocking the path of the people trying to get off the train, because these retards are so eager to get back on the train, and will then push people out of the way to ensure that they get back on the train. Girl, chill out, the train isn’t going to leave without you, and look, now you can actually have a seat! But they clearly don’t see it that way.
THEN, you get to the station. More often than not, there’s some fuckwit with a bike who is blocking the doorway with their mountain bike, because they’re not getting off just yet, and then grunt and groan and huff and puff because they have to move their bike in order to let people off the train.
I’m sorry, but if you have a bike, and you’re already decked out in your cycling gear, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CATCHING THE TRAIN AND NOT RIDING YOUR FUCKING BIKE?!?! STOP BEING SO DAMN LAZY!!
So you manage to get off the train, and get to the escalator. Now, in Australia, we have a concept of ‘keep to the left’ so that if you want to enjoy the escalator ride (ie, the lazy people), you keep to the left and keep the right clear, so that everybody else can climb the steps past you. Despite it already being quite obvious, there are those ignorant fuckers who decide to just block the right side as well, because they’re too busy having a chat with their friend… No bitch, you need to move, and you need to move now!!. Sometimes I’ve been on the phone, and have happened to groan something like ‘oh for fuck’s sake’ and the person on the phone will ask what’s wrong, and I reply with something like ‘Oh, I’m stuck on the escalator, because some retard doesn’t know how to get out of the fucking way’, but I make sure that I say it loud enough for them to hear… especially when previous attempts of ‘excuse me’ just don’t resonate with them, and they refuse to move… strangely enough, referring to them as a fuckwit seems to get the message across…!!
Oh, but then I have to catch a tram. Most of the time it’s fine, but from time to time, it becomes a situation just like the packed train. However, seeing as the tram is significantly smaller than a train, it just makes it worse. A train will turn up, literally packed to the rafters, and it’s already an ordeal for people to try and get off the tram, but then these dickheads must think to themselves, ‘hmmm, well, one person got off, so there must be room for at least another six people, right?’ No, dickhead. However, that doesn’t stop them. They climb into the stairwell, hanging on for dear life, blocking the doorways so that the doors don’t close. The driver then cracks the shits telling them to get off the tram, because they can’t close the doors, and these fuckwits look around as if to say ‘well, he couldn’t possibly be talking about me’. This then turns into some kind of mexican stand-off. The driver refuses to move, and the fuckwit refuses to get off the tram. Then the funny part is that the tram is so packed, not even the driver can get off, and has to force people out of the way, to then get out of the tram, walk down to yell at the people in the doorways, who STILL refuse to accept that they’re blocking the doorway. Slowly, but surely, others on the tram realise what’s happening and get pissed off enough to start joining in on the yelling, until FINALLY, the fuckwits get off the tram, and then in turn, yell at the driver and the others on the tram.
Those are the moments I want to walk up to these people and smack them right in the face and tell them to wake the fuck up, and stop being so stupid.
Then, oh, then there’s these stupid bitches with their prams. They stand there thinking that they’re going to get their fucking pram onto packed transport… no bitch, it’s not going to happen. And on the rare occasions that they manage to actually get on, they end up blocking the doorway or the aisle so nobody can get on or off, and refuse to move. Bitch, either you move your baby, or I’ll fucking move it for you… you choose!’
Oh, and how could I forget the people who are desperate to get on a train… the train pulls into a station, and twenty or so people are standing there, crowding around the doorway, so eager to be the first person to get on the train, they don’t actually want to wait for anybody to get off the train first. I will only say ‘excuse me’ once, then I will physically barge through them, pushing them out of the way so that I can get past. Every now and then you will have some desperate bitch push me out of the way before I’ve even set foot off the train onto the platform, because she’s so fucking desperate to get a seat… and lord help her when that happens, because I’ll fucking push her back. This has led to the odd confrontation from time to time, but I don’t mind a public shaming on a train full of witnesses, mainly because I’m the one doing the shaming, and they then have to sit (or stand) there surrounded by all those judgemental eyes, looking at them in disgrace.