Daily Prompt – Frame of Mind

If you could paint your current mood onto a canvas, what would that painting look like? What would it depict?

I’d paint something abstract, and use colour to represent mood. But how do you convey the feeling of people-catching-public-transport-are-so-fucking-stupid-it-makes-my-brain-hurt’?!?!?

Mar 31 – Monthly Lesson

Tell us one thing you learned about yourself this month.

It’s interesting to be writing this post almost two weeks after the date of this prompt, because on this specific day, I found myself away on a work trip down on the coast. It was the first time that we’d been included in a work-trip such as this, so it was somewhat exiting and intriguing.

One of the best parts about this trip was the resort where we stayed. 5-star resort and I was fortunate enough to find myself in one of the most incredible rooms I’ve ever stayed in. It was absolute heaven. The room was also one of the few rooms that actually had a balcony, with a view overlooking the resorts’ golf course, and then looked out to the ocean.

I really did enjoy being in an environment such as this – and it’s a place that I would certainly come back to of my own accord in the future, but in the context of this work trip, it was nice to just be out of an office environment, and actually get to spent time with, and speak to other work colleagues.

The one thing that really hit home for me though, was a realisation of just how much I miss being around water. Given that my star sign is Scorpio, it’s also a water sign, which creates a natural attraction to bodies of water… predominantly, the ocean. I love it. For me, there’s something quite therapeutic and healing about even just being near the water. But to actually be in the ocean, is something really special. Whilst we were there, I actually took an opportunity to go for a swim whilst we were there, and despite the water being incredibly cold, it was quite a liberating moment for me.  I was there by myself, enjoying this moment of peace, serenity and pure happiness. The morning that we left, I got up quite early to go for a swim. I knew that the water was going to be cold, but I really didn’t let that deter me at all. I wanted to make the most of this rare opportunity.

Watching the sun rise over the ocean was an amazing (and freezing) experience, but one I’ll never forget. For a moment, I felt so completely alone. It was a moment of solitude, and a moment I’ve never experienced before. Being neck deep in refreshing icy-cold salt water was incredible in itself, but when you’re all alone with your thoughts and the beauty of nature, it can become quite overwhelming, and a realisation that almost brought me to tears.

As I walked away from the beach, I realised that I need to have more moments like this in my life.

Without a doubt – I need to.

Mar 24: Change One Thing

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

 
Just one thing?

That’s actually quite hard.

I think I’d like to be able to be more tolerant of people. More tolerant of their stupidity, and be able to sympathise with them, rather than wanting to smack them in the face for being so mind-numbingly stupid.

Yes, clearly, tolerance is what I need in my life. I just don’t seem to have it. Well, that’s not entirely true. Or maybe it’s not tolerance, maybe what I need is patience instead?

I’m not entirely what it is, but something that will stop myself from filling with extreme rage when people do / ask / say really dumb stuff in society. I let it affect me waaaaayyyy too much, and I need to learn how to stop it from getting to me the way it does. The rage is just so overwhelming.

Oh my god, the rage!!

My ‘stupid people rage’. It’s well-known. It’s become part of my personality. It’s something that people know me for. Hell, I’ve managed to write an entirely separate blog dedicated to it… Granted, I draw so much attention to it for my own therapy, and to get it out of my system, but I also draw attention to it to give it a spotlight. To show all the people out there that are only looking at the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, that actually, people can be pretty fucking stupid and you can’t tell me that it’s all in my head. I’m not the only one who sees it.

Mar 20: Know One’s Self

Benjamin Franklin said: “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” Do you think you know yourself well?

I sit here in this food court, and I can say quite confidently that I know myself quite well. A little too well. I know that there are certain things about me that I like, and there are things about me that I don’t like, and that I hide away in a dark place never to see the light of day. I know that I am full of secrets, regrets, creativity, emotion, talent and ability.

However, there are also certain things about myself that I don’t necessarily understand, or am able to explain. I think I know, however, I’m not entirely sure. For that reason, I sometimes feel like I need to have some kind of intense therapy session, like hypnosis, so I can have somebody tap into my subconscious and extract all the answers I can’t resolve on my own.

In saying that, it’s a concept that intrigues me and terrifies me all at once. I don’t like the idea of not being able to control what I say or do. I’m on of those people who need to stay in control of my own actions. However, secretly I’d want to know what I would say. I know that I’m extremely analytical, especially self analytical, and that can be both a blessing and a burden. Sometimes knowing myself so well can be great because I can make decisions quickly and easily, however, knowing myself also means that I can back myself into a corner, and it’s hard to get myself out from there.

I was thinking about something I read the other day about true happiness, and although I know what I think would make me truly happy, I also think that if I were to have that, it would actually have the opposite reaction, and make me rather unhappy. It’s hard to make those kind of judgements, whilst being able to see the situation from both sides of the fence. Hence why I say it can be a blessing and a burden.

All I know is that I know myself better than anybody else will, and as long as I know who I am, that’s all that truly matters for me.

Mar 19: Your Own Best Friend

Would you say that you are your own best friend?

 

Well, there’s Hulk, but sometimes he doesn’t even count. I have moments where I will want to tell him something, or share something with him from my day, and he just tunes out. Even if he doesn’t actually verbally say anything, his actions tell me that he really doesn’t give a shit, and probably just wants me to shut the fuck up.

Unfortunately, years of this behaviour has lead me to not really share much with him. Take this blog for example. I wanted nothing more than to a) tell him that I was actually undertaking this project; and b) hoping that he might show the most minute shred of remote interest, pat me on the back, say ‘good for you, baby’ and send me on my merry way.

Instead, when I went to tell him about it, I got instantly shut down and told that he doesn’t want to hear about it. He wants to know nothing about it. He thinks it’s a stupid idea, and thinks that I certainly shouldn’t be writing it.

After initially feeling completely floored by this overreaction… I took anmoment to try and explain to him in more detail, and make a point of emphasising the fact that he was CLEARLY confused, and was thinking of my other blog, but he wouldn’t hear it. He had already decided that he didn’t want to even give me a chance to say what I had to say. He’d made up his mind that he wanted to know NOTHING, and because I’d told him this during our romantic dinner.. it made the rest of the meal quite uncomfortable and awkward… and silent.

…so romantic.

So here I am 240+ posts later, and he still refuses to even let me have a moment to talk to him about it. The hands go up and I get “I told you, I don’t want to know about it”. It’s quite disappointing and disheartening.

Oh well.

Because of moments like this, I do become my own best friend. I do things for me. Things that are just for me, because I know he wont want to be involved, or it doesn’t interest him. It can sometimes be really hard having a partner who can sometimes be such a complete polar opposite to me… but then I think that perhaps those moments are what make us work so well…? Variety is a good thing in a relationship, right??

Mar 21: Selfish or Selfless?

Do you do more for yourself or for others?

 
I would say that I have an equal balance of both. Yes I do a lot of things for myself – I certainly buy myself a lot of stuff, but I’m also always willing to help out others if and when they need me.

It’s something that I’ve been aware of for many, many years. And it’s certainly changed significantly over those years.

When I was younger, I was constantly putting myself second, and everybody else was first. I was an incredibly selfless individual. I was always off doing something for somebody else, and completely disregarding whatever I had to do for myself – usually resulting in something not getting done, or getting it done quite late.

I often referred to it as ‘Country-boy Syndrome’. I would put everybody elses needs before mine, because that’s how I grew up as a kid in the country. Back then, being selfish was unheard of, and you always go out of your way to help other people – that’s one of the qualities that makes a decent human being.

When I moved to Melbourne, I brought this philosophy with me. Being the naive country kid, most of the time I didn’t realise that others were taking advantage of my good, generous nature. And then as time passed, I began to cotton on to what was happening around me. Yes it was disappointing, because people were always asking for my help, but on the very rare occasions where I would ask them for their help, they were all conveniently busy – even when I asked them weeks in advance.

The final straw was when I was in my early twenties. I’d spent the last couple of years being messed around by various housemates; I’d spent so much time being messed around by my ‘ex’ (G), and something inside of me snapped. I’d had enough, and things were going to change.

It was time to start putting ME first for a change, and when I did, everybody took note. I learnt how to say no to people. I learnt how to actually do things that I wanted to do for a change. I was also working full-time and earning my own money, so I was able to buy things for myself, which I’d never really been able to do before – financial independence!!

Since then, I’ve grown and matured, and seen people for who and what they really are. Unfortunately, as a result, I have a less-than-positive view on society in general. People label me as being negative, or a pessimist, and make it sound like a really bad thing, but I prefer to call it being a realist. I always started out with a view of life being sunshine, puppies and rainbows, but then over time I realised that it was all bullshit, and I was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Now that I am, my views have changed. I see people for what they really are. I’m not saying that everybody is like that, but generally speaking, people in society are extremely selfish, and will do whatever it takes to get something that they want. People are ruthless. People are not afraid to throw you under the bus if it will allow them to achieve something.

Yes, there are still people who see the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, and, well, good for them. They choose to see the ‘good’ in everything, however, I just see it as being ignorant. That’s not how society is. That’s not how people operate.

Mar 18 – Self-Confidence

How would you rate your self-confidence? When is it at its lowest? When is it at its highest?

Self-confidence?? What’s that?

I’m not sure I’ve got that… perhaps I need to get some.  Can you buy it online? Do they accept PayPal?

All jokes aside, let’s be honest here, I’m not exactly overflowing with self-confidence. I have my moments of when I feel pretty damn good at doing something, or if something requires my expertise or assistance, but other than that, I kind of just rate myself as being beige.

I honestly feel as though my self confidence has all but completely dissipated into the ether… I don’t know why or how, or even why I see myself like that, but I just do. Maybe I’m depressed? Maybe I need a bit of a reality check and a re-focus. Maybe I’m just stuck in some kind of emotional  rut that I can’t seem to pull myself out of…?

What’s wrong with me?

 

Mar 17: Trust

Who do you trust more: yourself or others?

 

I ONLY trust myself. History has ALWAYS reminded me that the only person I can rely on is myself. Other people will inevitably let you down, moreso when you really need them and their support / assistance etc.

I don’t really trust most people, and in order for me to trust somebody, I need to know that whatever I’m doing, or telling them, will remain strictly between us and that they won’t go and talk about it to other people behind my back.

That is one of the worst things that I have experienced in my life – people betraying my trust, or me experiencing them betray somebody else’s trust. Unfortunately there are people in this world who seem to be hell-bent on bringing others down in some attempt to make themselves appear to be a better person. The only thing worse than that, are the people that support and encourage them to do so.

I cannot stand people who are two faced.

There was recently a conversation that I had with a friend of mine. This person I had always thought was quite trusting, however, after realising that this person was quite close and open with somebody that I dislike, I realised that it wouldn’t take much for this ‘friend’ of mine to tell this person whatever I’d said.

That was the point when I realised that they might be of the mindset keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. The more I thought into it, the more I realised that almost every conversation we had, this other person was brought up in some way, almost as a test in order to see what I would have to say about them, so they could then later on run back and relay everything I said, whilst also probably twisting it to make it sound worse… which is what this person happens to do.

So we were having a conversation, and out of the blue, this person blurts out something that somebody else had said about two other people we all know. Now, this was quite personal and sensitive information that really should strictly remain as a private matter between the two of them. This information is not anybody elses business, but this particular person found out about it, and then went around their social circle telling everybody about it… ‘So, you’ll never guess what I heard about — and –!! If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anybody else…!!’

The problem was, that although this person was spreading this gossip as a means for them to somehow seem to be ‘cooler’, they were asking everybody else keep it secret, but at the same time, telling anybody (and everybody) who’d listen.

By the time I’d found out from my friend, I’d already heard about it from a couple of different people, and simply brushed it off because IT’S NOT MY BUSINESS!! IT DOESN’T CONCERN ME!! So when I found out that this ‘friend’ was quite happily telling other people, I simply reiterated that I a) don’t buy into third / fourth / fifth hand gossip; b) it’s got nothing to do with me, so I don’t want to know and c) how would they feel if somebody was talking about them in this sense behind their back and airing their dirty laundry?? They wouldn’t like it, so why are they partaking in the exact same activity.

This came almost as a revelation, and made them stop and actually think about what they were saying. At that precise moment, I lost my trust for them, and made a promise to myself (and Hulk) that I would never reveal anything personal to them that would bother me if other people found out.

This is why I’m so good at keeping other people’s secrets, and why I’m so closed off from other people. It’s also why my hair’s so big… it’s full of secrets!! *LOL*

 

Mar 14: Together or Alone?

Is it easier for you to work together with other people or to work alone?

 
I have no problem working with other people, providing those other people aren’t completely fucking stupid.

There’s nothing worse than being partnered up with other people who are just so mind-blowingly dumb. OR, have the complete opposite views / suggestions / opinions to mine and refuse to budge from it.

I’ve been in group situations where you need to work as a team, and I’ve encountered the rest of the group all having their own strong personalities and strong opinions – resulting in nothing being achieved.

I’ve encountered group situations where you need to work as team and everybody else in the group doesn’t want to take ownership of the situation, or be in charge – again, resulting in nothing being achieved.

But at the same time I’ve also worked in groups where everybody is on the same page of what needs to happen, everybody has been able to contribute ideas, and everybody has been able to discuss suggestions with each other, and take out all the best bits, in order to create a great result.

The latter, however, is something I’ve found to be quite rare. And I think that because it’s been such a rare occurrence in my life, when it actually does happen, I really thrive because it’s such an encouraging environment.

As a result, I actually really loathe group work, and avoid it as much as I possibly can, instead, I’d rather work on my own – at least then I’m the only person responsible for either getting something right, or completely fucking it up, and I’m much more okay with that. Groups can just be complete torture, and I’ve found that most groups waste far too much time discussing who’s going to be responsible for doing what, and discussing the process they’ll use, instead of JUST GETTING ON WITH IT!!

Even as much as I like to work on my own, I find that I’m always seeing group / team work around me. Scavenger hunts in the city, team challenges on my favourite cooking shows… there’s team challenges everywhere. There’s even shows dedicated to them – The Amazing Race, The Apprentice etc… all they are is team challenges. And of course, there’s inevitably one person, or one couple that completely fucks it up for the rest of the group. And why do they fuck it up, because they make poor decisions, and they make poor decisions because they don’t think things through properly.

If you can’t think things through properly, I don’t want you on my team!

Mar 13: Group Blog

Have you ever been part of a group blog? Tell us about your experience.

 
I have never been part of a group blog, however, I think that it would be in an interesting experience.

The two group blogs that I’m loving are the glamorous, attention hungry bitches over at Is This Why I’m Still Single? as well as Noa and the League of Fuckin’ Bitches.

If anybody has any other group blogs like these, I’d love to check them out – let me know in the comments below!!