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‘I’ve really felt guilty for all those years that we missed out on being together..’ Andy said, with a sadness in his voice as he shifted his gaze, purposely avoiding Luke’s piercing blue eyes. ‘…I… I just didn’t know what I… I mean, you and I… we just… we weren’t…’

‘What, Andy? We weren’t… what?’

‘We weren’t…. *sigh* we weren’t ready. We were too young.’

Luke tilted his head to the side, his eyes widening with frustration, ‘too young? What a load of crap. I was ready. I told you what I wanted. I knew what I wanted. I WAS READY. It wasn’t an ‘us’ problem. It was a ‘you’ problem. YOU weren’t ready. Not me. Not us. YOU! YOU were the one who was scared. You were the one who couldn’t commit. YOU were the one who wasn’t ready!’ He could feel his face and neck getting flushed, and wipe away the tears from his cheeks. He knew it was wrong to be reacting like this, but he couldn’t help it. After all this time, all those feelings had been violently yanked up from the darkness to the surface and it was all Luke could see.

‘Luke… I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to say it. You’re right. You and I both know that you’re right. I was scared. I was ready…’

‘…bullshit.’

‘I WAS ready… I was just too scared to act on it. Steven and I…’

‘This is NOT about you and Steven’, Luke said with disdain in his voice.

‘I know it’s not, but at the time, Steven and I were in a bad place. Our relationship had run its course. We just hadn’t formally broken up. You know how hard it was for me! I felt trapped. He had me cornered. I had to give him what he wanted…‘

‘Yeah, because you were still hiding away in the closet, too fucking scared to actually embrace who you are and accept your sexuality, and face how everybody else was going to take it. And what did I keep saying to you…? That I was prepared to stand with you, behind you, beside you. I would hold your hand, and tell you that everything was going to be okay, because it was going to be you and I against the world. You and I. Just us. Whatever you and I went through, we would have done so TO-GE-THER! Do you not understand that? I was so ready. You could have asked me to leave with you and go start a new life in another city, hell, another country, and I would have gone with you… but you couldn’t step up to the plate. When push came to shove, you pussied out. I was ready. I’d been waiting, and I wasn’t going to wait any longer.’

Luke walked over to Andy who had slumped down on the ottoman, with his head in his hands. He ran his hands through Andy’s thick, greasy hair, and stepped in close enough to guide the crown of Andy’s head onto likes stomach. Luke wrapped his forearms over the sides of Andy’s neck and stroked his back.

‘I just wish you were ready. Everything would have been completely different. You just needed to say the words, and that would have been enough for me… but you couldn’t even say the words, Andy. You couldn’t even say what I needed to hear… and I told you I wouldn’t wait for you any longer. Why couldn’t you just say the words then?

Lighthouse

Peering through a crack

In the broken cement wall

That envelopes me entirely

I peer out occasionally

Into the world beyond

Beyond the weathered, broken, crumbling tower

Alone on its island

Surrounded by an ocean of deep unkown

Once a beacon amongst the darkness

The light faded

The glass shattered

Beyond the gloomy monochromatic sky

Beyond the razor wire confines

A light appears amongst the dense forest

Full of darkness. Wonder. Danger.

Dancing and twirling over and around the jagged, dead branches

When the world turns black and cold

I wait with anticipation

For the light to reappear

Sometimes it doesn’t show

Sometimes it moves

I know there is somebody out there

One day I will find you.

My colour oracle test

So, I was just scrolling through my newsfeed, and came across a post somebody shared, called the Colour Oracle. 

To do the test, visit: http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf

I was quite shocked at just how accurate mine was. So I thought I’d share…

If you choose to do the test, leave a comment to see how accurate it was for you. 

   
                   

750th Blog Post!! *BOOM!*

…and it feels good.

I’ve been away for so long, and I feel so guilty for neglecting something that gives me so much joy, but after my previous post, I’ve remembered how once I start, a story tends to just start flowing through my fingers. So I’m going to do my damned best to get into a regular writing habit once again.

Sidenote, I can’t believe I left my blog for so long with only 749 posts… and I didn’t even realise!!

Breaking up with Writer’s Block

Dear Writer’s Block, it’s not you it’s me…

Far too much time has passed and not a single word has passed rough my fingertips and frankly, it’s really bringing me down, and I don’t necessarily like this void in my life that you’ve created.

We started off quite well, and even I will admit, that I’ve done a pretty good job in terms of addressing my backlog of prompts, regardless of how late they may have been to end up getting posted – even if I found myself snowed under with twenty or thirty-plus prompts in my drafts folder, I always managed to get on top of them despite the fact that it may have taken me a couple of weeks to actually do so. However, there’s been a lot of avoidance between us; an awkward uncomfortable void that neither of us really want to acknowledge, let alone talk about, and unlike you, who might be just fine living in this state of denial, I simply cannot handle it.

I was in a great place up until the ends of last year in terms of my writing habits – I was writing regularly, and always had something to be working on, but then Christmas happened, and New year’s, and my social Calendar got a tad busy, and you somehow ended back on my life.  After months and months of talking about how I didn’t want to write daily prompts anymore, you came in knowing that all I wanted to do was quite creatively, and after not finding any good weekly prompts to work from, you took up residence and, frankly, got a bit too comfortable.

Now it’s time for you to go.

Please don’t think that I haven’t entirely enjoyed your company, having all this time on my hands should have been used productively, and it hasn’t, and it’s become time that I regret wasting, and time that I’ll never get back again – and it’s all your fault. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just can’t do this anymore; I can’t live like this anymore; I can’t live with you anymore.

I’ve no doubt that we’ll see each other again, but I’d personally prefer it if we didn’t have any contact for the next few months. You need to give me some time to develop a good wrIting habit again.

You know that I’ll always remain your friend, so of course, if you ever need to talk etc, you can always come to me, but other than that, it’s best we keep our distance.

Respectfully,

A.

A Belated Welcome to 2015… and a request…

So… New Years Happened.

One minute it was 2014, then all of a sudden it was 2015.

…that was also 42 days ago.

Since then I’ve done no writing whatsoever, and sometime around early-mid January, I reached a point where I decided that I was going to completely write-off any writing for the first month of the year to allow myself the time to catch up on all the overdue daily prompts that were still left from December 2014.

…however, after going into great detail writing at least four of those posts on my iPad, the app had a bug in it, causing my drafts to disappear every time I went to amend / edit them… so I ended up having to re-write them again. And again. And again. And after a number of complaints to WP, I ended up giving up and just waiting for some actual downtime in front of my laptop to properly re-write them yet again.

Today was the day that I finally caught up with all of those posts.

So NOW I can finally turn my attention to my creative writing, but therein lies the problem…

I need to find a good place to find some weekly / bi-weekly or (at a stretch) monthly writing challenge prompts. I know that there’s NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) but that’s not until, like, November or something, and I’m not quite ready to start writing a novel, I need a bit of practise first, so I need your help to find a great place for prompts, so please leave your suggestions in the comments.

Daily Prompt – Cliche

Clichés become clichés for a reason. Tell us about the last time a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush for you.

In my line of work, which I refer to as being a ‘shit kicker’ (not literally of course!) I’m tasked with a lot of remedial things, either because others are lazy, or simply not competent enough to know how to do so.

31 Dec – A Year Of Joy

What do you hope brings you joy in the coming year?

In an ideal world, 2015 will bring a year of change. It will be a year of change that is both painful and pleasant, both of which, eventually bring joy.

2015 will be a year that finally sees me sorting my shit out, and doing something to at least get my life together and being more of a responsible adult. Even if that just means getting rid of my credit card debt – that alone would bring me a lot of joy. *lol*

2015 will also be the year that I endeavour to travel more to visit my family. After seeing them recently, I realised that I really should be doing this much more regularly.

2015 will also be the year that I truly tap into my creative voice and spend more time focusing on my creative writing, despite what others may think of it. Certain people in my life may not necessarily want to know anything about what I’m writing, and well, that’s a real shame, because as much as I don’t like to toot my own horn, I have an ability for creative writing. It’s nothing amazing right now, but it’s something that I’m passionate about, and it should at least be respected enough for the fact that it’s important to me.

But most of all, 2015 will be the year that I return to the one thing I truly miss the most – and that’s dancing. I cannot wait to be able to get my dance shoes on again and start tearing up those floorboards. It’s been an incredibly frustrating wait, and my return is starting to get closer and closer – I can almost taste it!

So here’s to 2015…!

Daily Prompt – Happy Happy Joy Joy

We cry for lots of reasons: sadness, pain, fear . . . and happiness. When was the last time you shed tears of joy?

What is this sorcery you speak of? Tears of… joy? What the fuck is that? As in, being so overwhelmed with happiness that you cannot control yourself, and all the squishiness comes out of your eyes??

Nope… never heard of such a ridiculous thing.

30 Dec – A Joyful Year

What has brought you joy over the past year? Pick three things/people and tell us about them.

Joy? What’s that??