4 Dec – Comforting Company

Who do you like to be with when you’re feeling sad?

 

Myself.

Daily Prompt – Back Of The Queue

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to starting (an activity, a hobby, or anything else, really)? Tell us about it — and tell us about what’s keeping you from doing it.

I’ve always wanted to be able to go back in time and re-do my life. But I can’t.

Why?

Because, fucking time travel hasn’t been invented yet.

Mar 14: Together or Alone?

Is it easier for you to work together with other people or to work alone?

 
I have no problem working with other people, providing those other people aren’t completely fucking stupid.

There’s nothing worse than being partnered up with other people who are just so mind-blowingly dumb. OR, have the complete opposite views / suggestions / opinions to mine and refuse to budge from it.

I’ve been in group situations where you need to work as a team, and I’ve encountered the rest of the group all having their own strong personalities and strong opinions – resulting in nothing being achieved.

I’ve encountered group situations where you need to work as team and everybody else in the group doesn’t want to take ownership of the situation, or be in charge – again, resulting in nothing being achieved.

But at the same time I’ve also worked in groups where everybody is on the same page of what needs to happen, everybody has been able to contribute ideas, and everybody has been able to discuss suggestions with each other, and take out all the best bits, in order to create a great result.

The latter, however, is something I’ve found to be quite rare. And I think that because it’s been such a rare occurrence in my life, when it actually does happen, I really thrive because it’s such an encouraging environment.

As a result, I actually really loathe group work, and avoid it as much as I possibly can, instead, I’d rather work on my own – at least then I’m the only person responsible for either getting something right, or completely fucking it up, and I’m much more okay with that. Groups can just be complete torture, and I’ve found that most groups waste far too much time discussing who’s going to be responsible for doing what, and discussing the process they’ll use, instead of JUST GETTING ON WITH IT!!

Even as much as I like to work on my own, I find that I’m always seeing group / team work around me. Scavenger hunts in the city, team challenges on my favourite cooking shows… there’s team challenges everywhere. There’s even shows dedicated to them – The Amazing Race, The Apprentice etc… all they are is team challenges. And of course, there’s inevitably one person, or one couple that completely fucks it up for the rest of the group. And why do they fuck it up, because they make poor decisions, and they make poor decisions because they don’t think things through properly.

If you can’t think things through properly, I don’t want you on my team!

Daily Prompt: Tainted Love

Ever been dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend? Was it a total surprise, or something you saw coming? Tell us your best worst breakup story. Never been the dumpee, always the dumper? Relate the story of a friend who got unceremoniously kicked to the curb. Change the names to protect the innocent if you must.

It was my 20th birthday, and I got dumped. Happy Birthday To Me, right?

I’d kinda been seeing this guy for a few months already, and the way I saw things, he was my boyfriend, and I was his. I didn’t really know what else to call it… is there such thing as a casual boyfriend?

Anyway, things were going well. It was still kinda new: we were spending our free time together. He was working full time; I was dancing full time; so we’d spend our nights together. It wasn’t every night, because we understood we both needed space and it was too soon to be joined at the hip. It was great spending time together, and being able to just hang out with somebody. It was exciting for me. I was so infatuated with this guy. He was tall, and very ruggedly good looking. He was the kind of guy who I couldn’t believe was actually interested in me, because to me, he was so incredibly hot and could’ve had anybody he wanted. To a point, he actually made me feel somewhat insecure quite regularly in the beginning, because I couldn’t stop second guessing everything he said and did. I felt as though it was some kind of elaborate set up, as though my housemates had put him up to it in order to crush my emotions later down the track.

Anyway, it was my birthday and I got up early to go and spend the day with my best friend. We went out for brunch, and then spent the day shopping. The car broke down later that day in Camberwell, but we still had a great time together. We then had plans to meet up later that night and go clubbing with a small group of friends.

I got home later that afternoon, and had planned on having a small nap before I had to get up, eat, and get ready.

It was about six o’clock when there was a knock at the door. It was G. He’d come over on a whim to drop off a small present for me. I, however, had already told him that I would just catch up with him tomorrow, because I had a busy day today, and wouldn’t have time to see him because he was also quite busy. But he stopped by anyway.

My housemate let him in, and he crept over to the bed where I was asleep. I had woken up when he knocked on the door, but then just as quickly fell asleep, but I woke again when I heard my bedroom door creek. I had just assumed it was one of my housemates putting something in my room… so I felt quite startled when I felt G lay down next to me and start whispering in my ear.

You know that moment when you’re really sleepy and somebody quietly wakes you up, and you have these whisper-conversations amongst you yawning and stretching and being half-asleep?? Well it was like that for a bit, but it felt really nice. It was a wonderful surprise to be asleep on my birthday and have my boyfriend show up unexpectedly. He was stroking my (wild and out of control) hair and whispered ‘Happy Birthday kid’ into my ear. I rolled over and kissed him hello…

…and then we ended up making out for an hour.

When we finally were able to catch our breaths, I explained how wonderful it was that he came to visit, and he said that he couldn’t let my birthday go past without actually seeing me.

He handed me a small gift. I can’t actually recall what that gift was. He’d been asking me for a week or so prior what I wanted to get for my birthday. I was humble enough to say I didn’t want him to get me anything, but when he kept pressing the issue, I gave him a couple of different ideas, in different price points. I didn’t really know where we stood on the relationship / present scale, so I gave him some options to try and gauge where he was at.

I just remember opening my gift and feeling quite disappointed in what he had gotten me. I didn’t dare show this expression, instead telling him how perfect it was and how it’ll always make me think of him. In my head, however, I was screaming in anger at how stupid he was for not getting me anything that I ACTUALLY wanted. What’s the point in asking me, and then me giving you a variety of possibilities, if you’re not actually going to use it?

So after all that, he says that he want’s to talk to me about something. I was thinking that he was going to tell me that my real present was actually a romantic weekend away together. Or maybe he was going to tell me that he was actually going to come to a gay club tonight (for the very first time) and get over his anxiety about it so he could celebrate my birthday with me. Or maybe he was going to invite me over to his place for a change and cook me dinner or some kind of wonderful, romantic gesture.

That wasn’t however what came out of his mouth.

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.’

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth. I actually thought he was joking.

He wasn’t joking.

He then sat there and explained to me that he was feeling a bit confused, and was feeling a bit pressured into something that he wasn’t ready for. That something was called ‘a relationship’. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me.

My heart jumped into my throat, and suddenly everything around me froze in time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t understand. Only 2.5 weeks prior we had been truly intimate for the very first time. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but I lost my virginity to this guy. I thought that he was the one… but in saying that, I was just shy of being twenty. I also thought my tight cotton-lycra dance pants were the most awesome thing ever.

So then all of a sudden, ten thousand questions start flooding my brain, and I stopped hearing the words coming out of his mouth. It was like all the sound disappeared, because all I could hear was my inner voice going mental with a constant stream of questions and self doubt.

Oh my god, what’s happening? How could he say that? What’s wrong with me? I knew it was too good to be true! Maybe this was the plan? I bet the girls (my housemates) put him up to this on purpose, just to do this and hurt me on my birthday. I though things were going well! I thought he liked me. Why doesn’t he like me? I waited so long before we had sex, and I explained that and he said he was cool with it! Maybe he wasn’t okay with it. Maybe he was just too frustrated. But I’ve been sleeping with him. And the sex is phenomenal. Maybe he doesn’t like it? Fuck, has he been lying to me? Oh my god, I can’t believe that he’s been lying to me this whole time. How could I have been so stupid?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??

So then my inner dialogue exploded into outer dialogue and all these questions were being thrown at G like a constant barrage of ninja stars.

He said that he really likes me. He agreed that he’d never felt like this with anybody – never felt such an indescribable connection with another guy, but I knew that was just some bullshit line people give each other when they don’t want to speak the truth. He said that he’s cried more with me, than he has in the last few years, because he feels that comfortable with him. He told me that he was just too scared to be in a relationship because he’s too scared to give himself over completely. The thought of it terrified him.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I began to question him and everything he said. He was stating the facts and how it made him feel, and I wanted to believe him, but nobody does a complete 180 like that without a good enough reason.

Question after question and question.

Then he said it. The REAL reason behind all his bullshit.

He. Still. Had.  A. Boyfriend.

Yep. A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! I couldn’t believe it. How could I have been so STUPID!! But then it made sense… of course it was all too good to be true. As if anybody that hot would ever remotely be interested in me, let alone give me the time of day. I had felt that it was too good to be true, and now I knew for certain.

I grabbed the present and threw it at him, and told him to get the fuck out of my house.

He countered by crying.

‘No. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry. You don’t get to stand there and cry, when you’re the one breaking up with me, on my BIRTHDAY… BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! You don’t get to be upset. You just get to be a fucking arsehole. Get the fuck out of my house. I’m done with you. Just delete my number. I want nothing to do with you.’

He continued his weird man-crying and fell against a wall asking me if I was okay.

No, I was just in a pure rage.

How the fuck could you do this? Of all the days, you had to pick my birthday. Seriously.. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!?

I stood there trying so hard not to cry, but it didn’t last. The sadness was quickly replaced with sheer rage, and I went crazy at him. How dare you stand there and tell me you’re not ready for a relationship…. oh that’s right, BECAUSE YOU’RE ALREADY IN ONE… oh, what’s this, OH, BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WITH THIS GUY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS ALREADY… I’m not asking you to leave you boyfriend, I just wish I had’ve known about it before I fell in love with you and wanted you to be my knight in shining armour; my prince charming.

I finally kicked him out and watched him go sit in his car and cry into his steering wheel before returning inside and looking for my phone. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I needed to talk it through with somebody, so I went to call D.

I picked up my phone and saw a stack of missed calls and messages, and started going through them one-by-one. Each one of them was one of my so-called ‘friends’ telling me they suddenly weren’t coming tonight to celebrate my birthday because they conveniently had something else on, or they had suddenly come down with some kind of illness.

What better way to fill that giant hole in my chest that G just cut out with a giant rusty knife, than with some super excruciating bullshit which burnt like lemon juice.

I then got a call from two of my friends who were already on their way in from Geelong. They were about 20mins away from my place, and told me to get my arse into gear. I quickly showered and got myself dressed, and then started received a stream of text messages from G. He’d obviously realised how much of a cunt he had just been to dump me on my birthday, and tell me he’s not able to be in a relationship, because he’s already in one. Perhaps the worst possible timing ever!!

The boys turned up, and I ended up asking them to come inside and we started talking. I ended up confessing to them that I’d been seeing G. See, I hadn’t told anybody about G. It was a secret for me. A couple of my friends thought that I might be seeing somebody, because I was never around to hang out with them, but I never admitted anything to anybody… except now.

So, almost three hours later, it was approaching midnight, and we were well and truly fashionably late, so we picked ourselves off and headed off to the club. The cherry on top was having more people cancel on me and then the boys leaving after only an hour and a half. I distinctly recall it being 2am, and I was all by myself. I was sitting on a couch upstairs at this club replaying the entire day back in my head, piece by piece, and realising how much of an epic clusterfuck the entire day was. I was more surprised that I wasn’t at home in bed having some kind of emotional breakdown.

Instead, I just needed to dance. And I did. And boy did I dance. I decided that for the rest of the night, I wasn’t going to allow myself to have any more inhibitions, and I just let loose. I remember catching a tram home around 6:30 – 7am as the sun was rising, and feeling as though I had just had the best night out ever. And it was all on my own.

However, all night I was still getting messages from G. I told him to fuck off and stop messaging me with his messages of self-regret. He made a choice, he has to live with it. It doesn’t mean he gets to message me constantly and still try to make me feel better by telling me how much he loves being with me. Sorry, I’m not having that shit.

UGH. I can’t believe that I lost my virginity to somebody who turned out to be such a cunt.

I felt so stupid for falling for him so quickly. I can’t believe that I had been such a dickhead. How could I have been so gullible. I always thought I was so smart with this kind of stuff, and yet I turned out to be so dumb.

I don’t think I was ever the same after that. It really changed me and my outlook on relationships. After that, I never wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to only ever have casual flings with guys, because I never wanted to allow myself to get that close to anybody ever again. If I don’t allow myself to get close, then I won’t end up getting hurt if things don’t work out.

Turns out it just fucked with my head more than I had anticipated, and was the beginning of perhaps one of the most destructive relationships I’ve ever had. More of my fucked-up relationship with G can be found here. There are so many of these kind of scenarios that I had with G, I knew that it was wrong from the beginning, but I just couldn’t bear to completely cut him out of my life. It became such an on-again, off-again type of relationship that actually did far more harm and far more damage than good.

I’ll never be the same after that relationship, and not in a good sense.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/daily-prompt-tainted-love/

Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me

Share a time when you were overcome with guilt. What were the circumstances? How did you overcome your guilt?

It was when I was still living at home with mum. I had met this guy who, back then, I thought was so hot. He was also a former dancer, and I’d met him several years prior, but only when we competed against each other.

It was purely by chance that we happened to bump into each other and this time we were both a bit older… he was only 2 years older than me, but back then, although I was 18, the thought of even seeing another guy freaked the shit out of me, let alone seeing a guy that was older than me. It was outrageous.

It was also a complete secret.

Because I was juggling so many different things during this time: studying full time, dancing at two separate studios, plus rehearsals for a musical theatre production; I literally felt as though I was doing 18-20hr days… Then I met B.

He turned up to one of our dance rehearsals as he was friends with one of the other guys in the show, and I remember being half-way through one of my routines in the show and I looked up and he was suddenly sitting right in my direct line of sight, and he was staring right at me. He smiled and I completely forgot what I was doing.

I was a bit infatuated with this guy. I was so in awe of him when we used to compete because he was such an amazing dancer, but he was so god damn full of himself and so arrogant. He knew he was incredible, and everybody was beneath him. If I met him now, I’d be so disgusted, but back then, I hated him, and I was jealous of him.

After that rehearsal, I just left straight away. I couldn’t think properly, I was so exhausted, I just went home and crashed.

The next night, he turned up again, and I coudn’t focus. Why was he even there in the first place? During our rehearsal break, G comes over to me and he’s like ‘Oh my god, so, that guy over there can’t stop talking about you. He wanted to come back tonight just to see you and talk to you. Girl, he’s so into you, and it’s fucking awesome. Go talk to him!’

I was too terrified. I said no and avoided eye contact for the rest of the night.

I had put my hand up to come in on the weekend to help construct and paint sets, and I was working away with a couple of other guys from the crew and B walked past the studio and saw me through the glass and came and said hi. It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’d had. I’d never had a boyfriend, let alone kissed anybody, hell, I hadn’t even come out to people – well, except for a couple of my closest friends in the show.

A couple of days later I found myself back at his place after rehearsals making out on his couch. Not long after that I regularly found myself sneaking out of his place in the middle of the night, cycling home through the thick fog, and sneaking into my house.

This went on for a couple of months. Nobody knew. It was such a big secret. I was constantly lying to mum about staying over at friends places during the week – she didn’t know who they were or have their numbers, so I know she couldn’t check up on me and call them. But I was more terrified of either

a) being caught sneaking in;

b) being confronted about it;

c) being ‘outed’ and / or

d) all the above

 However, it got to a point where he was starting to pressure me into actually having sex with him. Just the thought of it terrified me. I knew it was going to hurt, and I’d heard so many horror stories about it – things like tearing and bleeding and incredible pain, and I’m thinking ahhh, no. There will be none of that.

Then it headed south, really quickly. I got too freaked out and just stopped replying to his messages. I stopped visiting him. He started calling and texting me all day long wanting to know what I was doing and when I’d be coming over again. He’d then start waiting for me after rehearsals… at that point I started getting lifts home with friends, just so I wouldn’t have to see him.

He then started following me. Waiting for me outside the library when I was there studying before dance class around the corner and then rehearsals straight afterwards.

Then one particular day he followed me home. And despite trying to keep a distance from him, it didn’t stop him from shouting out to me. Finally, I’d had enough and snapped.

I did a complete 180 and stormed up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his t-shirt and told him to leave me the fuck alone or I’d put him on the ground in a mound of pain. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore and that he was being too intense and obsessive and his stalker behaviour was the icing on the cake and I couldn’t handle that.

He, in turn had a big emotional outburst right there on the footpath.

Sorry B, I’m done.

He told me he loved me. I told him I didn’t want to see him again and that he needed to stop contacting me.

I walked off, locked myself in my room and bawled my eyes out. What the hell was going on… did I just go through my first break-up?? I was an emotional wreck and worst of all, I had absolutely nobody that I could talk to about it.

it was horrible.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/12/24/prompt-guilty/