Feb 10: Problems in Perspective

Do you think you do a good job of keeping problems in perspective?

I will admit that as I’ve grown and I’ve matured (read: become a heartless bastard who’s dead on the inside) I’ve certainly been able to remove emotion from the equation when faced with problems. I can look at a problem and look at purely the facts and make a judgement. Something which I’ve never been able to do.

However, in saying that, there’s no denying that I certainly have my moments where I will get all fired up in the heat of the moment and say shit because I’m full of emotion that I don’t necessarily mean, and basically act like a child, because I can’t put anything into perspective.

I have noticed moreso in just the last couple of years that I really do have this ability to remove emotion from a situation and become quite blunt about things. To some it makes me seem like a heartless bastard / nasty bitch – moreso if I’m not siding with them (usually because we’re friends and they’re actually the ones at fault), but I come across as just being cold-as-ice instead.

Now that I find myself sitting here doing some more self-analysis (this whole blogging venture has been great for doing that!) I sometimes tend to be quite black-and-white with decisions. I find that there are too many complications, or too many people involved, or too many process to achieve a result, which really should just be quite straightforward and simple… but never is. Which, in turn, really drives me fucking crazy. It shouldn’t be so difficult.

…and this is where we insert the thesis about my non-existent tolerance levels.

I just don’t have time for drama. I don’t have time for bullshit. I don’t have time for half-a-dozen people to rally together to form a committee or some special group to discuss the pro’s and con’s about what to include on a registration form, or a confirmation letter. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?? God, it’s no wonder I’m so mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I have to put up with so much bullshit. I think this is why I just take ownership of almost everything  that I do with work, because if nobody else is involved, and I don’t have to consult ten different people about what I’m doing, then life is much easier. If people don’t know about it, then I can’t be questioned. If it fuck’s up, then I’ll admit that, and I’ll own it. Simple as that.

The total contradiction to this, ironically, is that I really hate confrontation. Most of the time. If I’m in a bad mood, however, then bitch, you better strap yourself in for the rage that I am about to unleash at you. It’s quite sporadic, and it can change in an instant – like the wind. I can be fine one minute, then BOOM!! Full of white-hot table-flipping rage. If I’m asked to get involved with solving a problem, then I’m usually looking at both sides of the argument and trying to help each other understand each other. But if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll spell it out for you and shut. that. shit. down. Because when I’m in a bad mood, and you have a problem that requires my help, then I’m sure as shit not going to waste my fucking time on your ridiculous childish bullshit. If I have to hurt somebody else’s feelings in the process… so be it.

Jan 22: Bad Temper

Do you have a bad temper? How often do you lose your temper?

You know how some people will say something like ‘I have a short fuse…’ Well, I have no fuse. I can completely change my mental stage from happy-go-lucky-rainbows-and-puppies to something like white-hot-table-flipping-murderous-rage in a heartbeat.

Trust me, I know that it’s not normal, nor is it healthy, but that’s how I function. I’m not entirely sure why I am the way I am, but I just am, so I have to accept it.

And before you even start making suggestions, I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve tried meditation and relaxation techniques, and they don’t work. I should perhaps investigate more into something like proper anger-management therapy, but that really just requires effort, and I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is. I don’t have time for therapy.

I will say, however, that since I’ve started blogging regularly, I’ve noticed a small change in my demeanor… small, and only slightly noticeable, but it’s a start. Don’t get me wrong, I still at times find myself full of rage, but it’s not as regular or as severe as it has been in the past. I think being able to just write and get stuff off my mind certainly helps a lot… Now I just have to find some time to really start working on the other writing projects I have in the back of my mind – that might even be the therapy that I need.

Who knows?!

And, of course, just to make things worse, I’m a Scorpio.

Well, I’m on the cusp of both Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I have tendencies of both, but predominantly, I’m a Scorpio – and if you’ve ever gotten on the wrong side of a Scorp. then you will know what I mean when I say we are quite capable of making life hell.

I’m not entirely sure why I have such a temper… I’m not really sure where it came from, or when it really started to get so bad, but for as long as I can remember, I have always had a bad mood. Maybe it’s just something that’s ingrained in me simply because I am a Scorpio. I’m not really sure.

But the other part of my bad temper, is that I hold grudges. I really wish that I didn’t, and sometimes I really try hard to let things go and just move on so that I’m not still holding on to the past, but dammit, it’s actually really hard to do. And even then, I have my moments. I can hold a grudge for years, and then if you ask me about it on a day where I’m feeling great and living in the present, then I act as though I’ve let go of the drama and it doesn’t exist anymore… until I fall into a bad mood again, and then it’s as though it’s always been there.

Even in some circumstances where I say that I’ve let go of the drama, I will never forget.

If something has happened that has really affected me, emotionally, physically, etc, that’s going to stay with me for a very, very long time. Some people have some ability to simply shrug their shoulders and let it go as though it never happened, because it’s always going to be in the past, and you can’t change the past.

…why can’t I do that?? Probably because I’m too busy being in a bad mood, visualising somebody else’s downfall in some horrific way, and holding a permanent grudge.