You have 15 minutes to address the whole world live (on television or radio — choose your format). What would you say?
So, does it have to be to the whole world? Can’t it just be to my country, or even better, my own city? I don’t want to have to rant on for 15 mins to the world – it’s too political. Granted, there are a number of topics I could rant about: war, politics, hunger, money etc but it’s basically too much for my brain to handle right now.
…so instead I’ve decided to address the people of Australia. The community of people who catch public transport.
**COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**
Alright you bunch of fuckwits, it’s time you had a Transport Education, or as I’m going to call it, a Transpucation.
There seems to be a number of people who still don’t seem to have grasped the basic fundamentals when it comes to catching public transport, and how to conduct ones self whilst on public transport, so here are six (6) tips to remember when you’re out and about:
1. Use common sense.
Now, it would seem that when it comes to public transport, most of you don’t seem to actually have any common sense. Or, if you do, you don’t use it. For example, if you are travelling during peak hour and your bus / train / tram happens to look like this:
…so much space!
then it’s best for everybody if you just accept that this one is not available, and you have to wait for the next one.
There’s no harm in suggesting that people ‘move down’ the aisles in order for others to actually get on board. Public transport will only work efficiently if the people travelling on it are efficient as well. However, you also need to be mindful that generally speaking, people don’t like being told to do anything, let alone asked anything. You may as well be asking them to give you a kidney.
Now, if you are waiting at a stop / station and your transportation arrives with people squished against the doors and windows like this:
your first reaction should be:
Oh well, this one is too crowded, I’ll just wait for the next one.
LOOK AT HOW MUCH ROOM THERE IS FOR ME!! I’M SO TINY AND TAKE UP NO SPACE AT ALL, I’LL JUST SLIDE ON IN AND I WON’T IRRITATE ANYBODY ELSE AT ALL.
This is something that I see multiple times per day.
It really shouldn’t be so difficult.
What exactly is it about all the people sandwiched in like sardines that makes you convince yourself that there’s enough room for you on there? Seriously, what is it? I am also in the process of developing a medical team to diagnose this problem and working on either medication for it and / or a surgical response. This will hopefully be up and running by mid-2014. Initially we will be looking at appointing a team of surveillance officers who will be responsible for identifying these individuals and report them for a review.
Also, if you’re one of the people who’s decided to stand in the doorway, you need to realised that you are obligated to actually move out of the way everytime the train / tram stops, in order for other commuters to leave the carriage. This requires you to physically exit the carriage and patiently wait on the sides next to the door, allowing the passengers to disembark without interruption, and then you can re-enter the carriage, take up a (now) available seat, and continue on your merry little way.
2. Bags on seats
For all of you out there who catch transport, especially during peak-hour, who of you has gotten on a bus / train / tram that’s already packed, only to find that there’s a free seat with somebody’s backpack / shopping / handbag on it?
I thought so.
Now, have you then gone one step further and politely asked that person to move their bag so you, or a fellow traveller could sit down?
And did that person:
- Roll their eyes
- Act as though you’ve asked them to shave their head and it’s now the end of the world
- All the above, -OR-
- Tell you to go fuck yourself.
?!?! Anybody? Are any of you guilty of this yourself?
‘Excuse me, duck lips… does your bag have it’s own ticket??’
Right, so let’s make it perfectly clear – and I’m definitely talking to all the school students out there – BAGS DO NOT BELONG ON SEATS!! The basic rule of public transport is this:
if it doesn’t have a ticket, it doesn’t get aseat
Now, I know that a vast number of you will have questions about this, but if you’re unsure, please don’t hesitate to contact the Public Transport Authority and they will happily explain it to you in further detail. If required, they can demonstrate using pictures.
3. Seats for elderly / injured / pregnant.
We’ve all seen them. They’re the seats right next to the door that are reserved for those who are:
Now, if you happen to be sitting in one of those seats, you are required to give up your seat for anybody who fits into that category.
Unless you prefer to be a selfish ignorant moll, like this woman.
It’s not that difficult. You shouldn’t need to be asked to move. You should be exercising you common sense (See Item 1.) and vacating the seat voluntarily. If you end up having an argument either with the person requesting the seat, or with a fellow commuter who might be yelling at you for being so selfish, then you need to STOP AND THINK about why they may possibly be upset with you.
meanwhile…Whatever you do, don’t ever, EVER take that risk in China…
And if you’re pregnant... the Pregnant Police are keeping tabs on you and your selfish shitbag behaviour. Nobody is impressed with you for yelling at the pregnant woman about how you ‘got the seat first’.
4. Music / phone conversations
Let’s start with conversations. Regardless of whether you’re having a conversation with a person next to you, or if you’re having a conversation with a person on the telephone, you need to be mindful of the other commuters around you.
WHEN YOU TALK REALLY LOUDLY LIKE THIS FOR A TWENTY MINUTE TRAIN TRIP INTO THE CITY, AND THE TRAIN IS REALLY QUIET, YOU MAY AS WELL JUST BE DOING THIS FOR THE WHOLE TIME:
Nobody, and I mean, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. Especially when you feel so obligated to discuss with your best friend, over the phone, the various sexual positions you and Bazza (the guy you went home with after your drunken night out last night after work) got up to. We don’t need to know what his cock’s like, and how sore your vagina is, or how many times you guys did it before you vomited on each other from too much motion.
It’s 8am in the morning. We’re all tired. Nobody is proud of you for being a drunken skank and going to work in the same clothes you wore yesterday. You’re a dirty whore and everybody is thinking it, whilst wishing you would just shut the fuck up.
MEANWHILE, for those of you who enjoy listening to music whilst commuting, that’s great. No doubt, you feel like this:
And that’s great. Keep your singing voice inside your head when you want to belt out some Celine Dion at 8am. However, please be aware that your fellow travellers might not have the same up-and-at-’em attitude that you might have. They may have other issues on their mind that have them worried or stressed, and the last thing they need to hear at 8am is a muffled nightclub blasting from your ears.
If others can hear your music, then it’s too loud.
5. Bikes / prams
Bikes / Prams + Crowded Train = NOT. A. CHANCE!
First of all, if you’re taking your bike on the train, doesn’t that actually defeat the entire purpose of having a bike in the first place?? Until such time as the Public Transport Authority decide to make a carriage dedicated to strictly bikes and prams, they do not belong on crowded public transport.
But what about those of you taking the to creche at work?
Well then you need to be more proactive in the way you approach this. We all understand that travelling with an infant requires a lot of additional equipment, clothes, blankets, wipes, nappies, bottle etc etc, but this can also be carried in a backpack. Alternatively, you can invest in a wearable baby-harness / pouch, or fold your pram up if you absolutely must use transport, to avoid your bulky pram blocking the ailes and doorways and inconveniencing fellow commuters.
and where exactly do you think you’re putting your bike / pram??
6. Keep to the left.
It’s that important, Beyonce wrote it into a song.
“…to the left, to the left…”
When you’re travelling to and from your transport at the train station, always tell yourself ‘to the left, to the left’.
When you’re taking the escalator? To the left, to the left.
When you’re on the stairs?To the left, to the left.
They’re supposed to look like this:
But for a majority of you, you seem to forget that some people actually don’t want to partake in the Line Ride. Some of us have places to be, and by keeping to the left, will allow us to move past the rest of you quickly and calmly.
However, it would appear that some of you don’t seem to know which is your left:
…which just sends people in to a table-flipping rage. This is quite inconsiderate for the other commuters behind you. So if you are one of these people, please don’t be offended when people start yelling at you to move, or trying to push you out of the way to get past. They’re impatient, but you’re also causing their frustration, so you only have yourself to blame. And if you’re blocking the right-side with a suitcase, please don’t be surprised if it gets thrown over the side. You should always keep a suitcase a step or two in front of you on an escalator. That way if it falls, it won’t pose an injury to anybody else but you.