Daily Prompt – So Emotion. Very Cry.

Do movies, songs, or other forms of artistic expression easily make you cry? Tell us about a recent tear-jerking experience!

I have a really strong connection to my emotions at the best of times… it’s just that usually they’re repressed so far deep inside, I just tell people that I’m dead inside and void of emotion.

However, from time to time, I’ll hear a song / watch a movie / watch a tv show when I’m in a particularly emotional state, and I can completely lose it and end up a blubbering mess.

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31 July – 10 Events

Tell us about 10 important personal events from your life from the last 10 years.

10 events from 21 – 31…

1. Turning 21 and having none of my friends turn up to my birthday.

2. Turning 21 and being dumped by the guy I was seeing because he had a boyfriend.


3. Having a massive falling out with my father resulting in not speaking to him ever again.


4. Getting fired from my first ever job because I threatened my boss.


5. Being diagnosed with depression.


6. Getting told I’d never dance again.


7. Discovering Les Mills.


8. My share-house experiences.


9. My ex-best friends.


10. Meeting hulk.

Apr 8 – Keep It Private

Are there some scandals that you wish you didn’t know about?

I think that when it comes to the private lives of other people – regardless of who they are, their status, their fame etc, it should be kept private. I really don’t like the way the media will take something personal and painful between two people, and then parade it around all over the news, on front covers of papers and magazines, and all over the internet as some kind of story.

I think that’s just plain mean.

Have you ever gone through something such a relationship breakup / divorce? Or perhaps something quite painful and personal? Yes? Now imagine if somebody took all those painful moments and details, and broadcast it to every single person that you knew. Your friends, your family, your coworkers etc. How horrible would that make you feel?? One of the things that I absolutely cannot stand is when people start airing other people’s dirty laundry – it’s just so… vindictive. However, god help anybody who dares try and air any of my dirty laundry, I will rip them apart piece by piece.

Apart from that, there are a lot of scandals that I just don’t care about. None of them interest me, nor do they affect me in any way, shape or form, so why should I concern myself with other people’s problems? That sounds somewhat selfish, but it’s true. If it has absolutely nothing to do with me, why would I want to invest my time into reading about it, or watching reports about it on the news.

I just don’t care. Granted, if it was something that was going to affect people’s health (like the Horsemeat scandal) then that’s a different story. I used to shop at Aldi, so in that aspect, I’m involved as a consumer.

Daily Prompt: Something So Strong

Tell us the origin story of your best friend. How did you become friends? What is it that keeps your friendship rockin’ after all these years?

My best friend… hmmm… well this is kinda hard.

I feel as though I’m obligated to write about Hulk, because he’s my best friend, but I also feel somewhat obligated to even say that, simply because we’re in a relationship… and when you’re in a relationship with somebody, there’s an expectation for you to consider that person your best friend…

Hulk and I… well, Hulk and I really balance each other out. I think that even if we weren’t in a relationship, I would like to believe that we would still be great friends, simply because of that balance. When I’m in a rage, he calms me down, but when I’m calm, he can also put me in a rage – and vice versa. The qualities that he has, which balances me out, are also the same qualities that I have which balance him out.

We really do work quite well together when needbe, and we always bounce ideas off each other.

When I’m planning on writing something or saying something really quite blunt and scathing, he’s my filter. When he’s full of rage and ready to rip somebody’s head off, I’m the one that calms him down (literally, like The Hulk!). HULK SMASH!!

Even though after all this time, I sometimes feel like he really doesn’t get me the way some of my other friends do; and although we might not have the same kind of friendship / relationship like I do with some other people in my life, we’re just great together. He really does complete me, and I know that I complete him.

I think if we were to ever break up, it would be so epic and so crushing, not just for us, but for everybody that knows us. In saying that though, depending on the circumstances of a breakup, after enough time had passed, I like to think that we would still be able to remain friends. We both work in the same industry, so it’s inevitable that we would see each other quite regularly, and I personally like to think that we’d be able to at least be civil to each other, rather than hold onto grudges and hositility. But I don’t see that happening for a long, long time, so I don’t need to concern myself with that.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/13/prompt-something-so-strong/

Daily Prompt: With or Without You

Tell us about the time you threw down the gauntlet and drew the proverbial line in the sand by giving someone an ultimatum. If you’ve never handed out an ultimatum but secretly wanted to, describe the scene and what you would say to put an end (one way or another) to an untenable situation.

God, which one do I write about?? There’s so many!!

I think one of the worst best examples of this was many years ago when I was in my early twenties. I had been casually dating this guy for quite some time, and it was (what I thought) was my first real relationship with a guy. We were always together, but because we had separate places, we also gave each other space, it was great. Nobody was being smothered, and by nobody, I really mean me.

Now, I’m not going to lie, yes, as much as I thought was in love, turns out I was wrong. The ins and outs of that complete clusterfuck of a relationship are so great, it’s a novel in it’s own right. (Sidenote, I actually have plans to write about how destructive that relationship was, and how fucking stupid I was… but that’s for a later date).

But as much as I enjoyed being with him, I wanted more. I wanted us to be exclusive, and for some reason he couldn’t give me that.

I had gotten myself so caught up in the idea of having somebody I can actually refer to as my boyfriend. I was young, and naive, and I wanted the ‘title’. I wanted to be able to introduce him to people as my boyfriend ie. ‘Oh, have you met my boyfriend, G?’, ‘Oh, no I can’t make it tomorrow, my boyfriend is cooking me dinner.’, ‘Well, I was planning on taking my boyfriend out for lunch as a surprise’ etc etc etc. You know that type of person. The one who has to keep announcing it to the world that they finally have managed to find somebody who’s prepared to put up with their shit, and actually have a relationship.

Unfortunately, G was always sheepish about that topic of becoming exclusive, and avoided it as much as possible… then I found out why.

Turns out he still had a boyfriend. Y’know, that old chestnut.

*sigh*

So when he told me previously that they had broken up, it was all bullshit.

There simply aren’t enough words to explain the type of rage that was coursing through my body during that point of my life. It was hard to hear, and it hurt so, so much, and we didn’t see each other or speak to each other for about a month or so immediately after that. I just… I couldn’t.

But what made it worse was that during this break, he kept texting me. Telling me that he was sorry, and telling me how much he missed me, and telling me that he feels so incomplete without me.

SHOULDN’T YOU BE SAYING THAT TO YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND, YOU BASTARD!?!?

He tried explaining to me the severely complicated nature of his relationship with his on-again-off-again boyfriend. Turns out they’d been together for a number of years. Yep. YEARS. So it was a pretty serious thing. In saying that, G was kinda fucked up as well. He was extremely closeted, and had major issues about his sexual identity and his work life, family life, sporting life etc. Basically, he was just scared.

By this stage I was done. I’d had enough. He became one of those people who was always going to break up with his ‘boyfriend’ but would never have the balls to actually do so.

I remember that after that month of not talking, another four or five weeks passed, and I refused to see him, but I started replying to his messages. We’d gone through so much already that I couldn’t just cut him out of my life completely. I was capable of being a cold-hearted prick if I really wanted to, but for some reason, I couldn’t do that to him.

We eventually reconnected and began to slowly move back to a place where we previously were with each other, and due to our work schedules, things kept getting interrupted or re-scheduled, so we decided to have a date night. It was long overdue and we were both looking forward to it. I’d asked him about his ex, and he said that things were pretty much over, and G told him that he wanted to start seeing other people.

Apparently that didn’t go down too well.

To me, this was indicating that things between the two of them were over. When your partner of several years says they want to see other people, that’s pretty much Game Over right there. Part of me felt sad that it had ended like that, but there was a small glimmer of hope that this meant we would actually be able to pursue our relationship together.

We had a lovely night out and talked and laughed over dinner, and then came back to my place afterwards and started making out on the couch. Before we knew it, we were half-naked, and then his phone rang. And he ignored it.

And then it rang again.

And Again.

And again.

And again.

And again until he finally answered it. It was his ex. He was saying that he wanted to see G and talk. G said he was busy and would talk to him tomorrow, and hung up.

The phone rang again and even I heard this voice say something along the lines of “I’M OUTSIDE YOUR PARENTS HOUSE ALREADY. IF YOU DON’T COME AND MEET ME, I’M GOING IN THERE AND TELLING THEM EVERYTHING”.

Fuck.

I believe in chess, that’s called Check Mate. By this stage, G was on the brink of tears, apologised and left. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I was beside myself. I couldn’t even construct a sentence. I slammed the front door and collapsed on the ground crying uncontrollably.

By this stage it was probably about 9pm and so I picked myself up, went and had a long hot shower (and more crying) and put myself to bed.

3am I hear a tap-tap-tap on my bedroom window.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!

There was G, standing outside in the cold. He looked like shit. I was so angry with him, but at the same time, seeing him standing there, you could almost see his world imploding – like it was right there in his eyes. I felt sorry for him but that wasn’t enough for me to let him in. I told him to go home. I was done. I was soooo done. I woke up again about 6:30 – 7am to something like fifteen missed calls and about 30 text messages. Turns out he’d slept in his car out on the street, after bawling his eyes out for a couple of hours. He had realised that he’d fucked up, and he felt trapped and didn’t know what to do.

Whatever.

 That day I agreed to let him come over, and we had a big talk. He told me all the ins and outs of his dramas with his… whatever. boyfriend / ex-boyfriend. The more he admitted to me, more and more memories started making sense. I’m not going to deny, his ex truly was a nightmare, and going out of his way to make G’s life a living hell, but that was his problem, not mine!

That was the point where I’d simply had enough and I told him. I said this is where I stand, and this is what I want, and this is what I want from you. You need to make a decision as to whether or not you want the same, and whether or  not you’re prepared to make that sort of commitment, because if not, we’re done. I’m not doing this anymore. I just, I can’t.

I drew the line in the sand.

…and he sat there and told me that he wanted exactly what I wanted, he just couldn’t do it, because he was too scared. He was too scared of the repercussions it would have and what his ex would do blah blah blah… I tuned out when I heard this. I just… I couldn’t anymore.

It had been something like 3 years of this whole on-again-off-again casual ‘relationship’ and yet, even though we were never officially ‘together’ it felt like a breakup, and it was horrible. I was so angry, and so upset. I couldn’t talk to him. I wished him well and we hugged at the front door just before he left.

The next couple of months were a bit rough for both of us. We still messaged each other, and he felt compelled to tell me about his boyfriend dramas. I DON’T CARE!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU CHOSE. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. THIS WAS YOUR DECISION!!

I would say it was almost six-months after we parted ways, and we’d had a bit of space and a bit of silence between us, and then he sends me a message asking if we can meet up for a quick coffee… I begrudgingly accepted, as I’d been ignoring everything else from him for so long. He seemed to be doing well. Work was going great. He was looking good. He just seemed to be in a really good spot. Our quick coffee turned into hours and hours of conversation and he drove me home afterwards.

Then at one point we were just sitting there in a moment of awkward silence, and like a fuckwit, I couldn’t control my hormones, and so I practically jumped him and started to kiss him. Then my conscience kicked in and stopped me. I pulled myself off him and apologised. He looked confused and I suggested that he should go.

Poor G. He must have thought he had been given the green light, and then got cock-blocked. Oops. My bad. I really didn’t intend for that to happen, it was merely a momentary lapse in judgement.

I suggested that he leave, but then he says that he wants to talk to me about something. I’m like, well, you’ve had all afternoon. We’ve been talking, why haven’t you brought it up. Long story short, this fucker has the nerve to tell me that he’s finally ended things with his ex. Like, over. done. kaput. finished. He’s now a single gay man in the world, and wanted to know if I was still a single gay man, and whether or not my offer to be together was still on the table.

No, you cunt. That offer was destroyed when you picked your ex over me. That offer was off the table when you turned your back and walked out the door. More importantly, HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT I’M GOING TO BE WAITING HERE WITH BAITED BREATH ON THE SIDELINES FOR YOU?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!

He wanted to talk, and I didn’t want to hear anything else out of his mouth. I told him to leave, and that was it. I could not believe that the one thing I’d been waiting for all this time had just been handed to me on a silver platter, but I’ll be damned if I was going to jump up and down for joy over it. After all the bullshit that I had to put up with. All the drama. All the tears. All the constant calls and messages and ‘I miss you’s’. I was done. DONE!

It was about two years ago, and I saw a video on a website. It was G. It was him making a public statement about him coming out, and the reaction that he’d received. My jaw literally hit the ground. Who was this person I was watching? Where was this guy all those years ago. I was so incredibly proud of what he’d done. I was so happy for him. I sat there at my desk and cried, because I know how much it had tormented him. I know how much it upset him and I know how scared he was… and there he was on my screen, a completely changed person. All I had were tears of happiness for him. Even thinking about it now gets me choked up, but only because I know how much he struggled with it. I will always have love for him, for a number of reasons, but I’ll never forget how much he hurt me.

 

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/daily-prompt-with-or-without-you/

Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me

Share a time when you were overcome with guilt. What were the circumstances? How did you overcome your guilt?

It was when I was still living at home with mum. I had met this guy who, back then, I thought was so hot. He was also a former dancer, and I’d met him several years prior, but only when we competed against each other.

It was purely by chance that we happened to bump into each other and this time we were both a bit older… he was only 2 years older than me, but back then, although I was 18, the thought of even seeing another guy freaked the shit out of me, let alone seeing a guy that was older than me. It was outrageous.

It was also a complete secret.

Because I was juggling so many different things during this time: studying full time, dancing at two separate studios, plus rehearsals for a musical theatre production; I literally felt as though I was doing 18-20hr days… Then I met B.

He turned up to one of our dance rehearsals as he was friends with one of the other guys in the show, and I remember being half-way through one of my routines in the show and I looked up and he was suddenly sitting right in my direct line of sight, and he was staring right at me. He smiled and I completely forgot what I was doing.

I was a bit infatuated with this guy. I was so in awe of him when we used to compete because he was such an amazing dancer, but he was so god damn full of himself and so arrogant. He knew he was incredible, and everybody was beneath him. If I met him now, I’d be so disgusted, but back then, I hated him, and I was jealous of him.

After that rehearsal, I just left straight away. I couldn’t think properly, I was so exhausted, I just went home and crashed.

The next night, he turned up again, and I coudn’t focus. Why was he even there in the first place? During our rehearsal break, G comes over to me and he’s like ‘Oh my god, so, that guy over there can’t stop talking about you. He wanted to come back tonight just to see you and talk to you. Girl, he’s so into you, and it’s fucking awesome. Go talk to him!’

I was too terrified. I said no and avoided eye contact for the rest of the night.

I had put my hand up to come in on the weekend to help construct and paint sets, and I was working away with a couple of other guys from the crew and B walked past the studio and saw me through the glass and came and said hi. It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’d had. I’d never had a boyfriend, let alone kissed anybody, hell, I hadn’t even come out to people – well, except for a couple of my closest friends in the show.

A couple of days later I found myself back at his place after rehearsals making out on his couch. Not long after that I regularly found myself sneaking out of his place in the middle of the night, cycling home through the thick fog, and sneaking into my house.

This went on for a couple of months. Nobody knew. It was such a big secret. I was constantly lying to mum about staying over at friends places during the week – she didn’t know who they were or have their numbers, so I know she couldn’t check up on me and call them. But I was more terrified of either

a) being caught sneaking in;

b) being confronted about it;

c) being ‘outed’ and / or

d) all the above

 However, it got to a point where he was starting to pressure me into actually having sex with him. Just the thought of it terrified me. I knew it was going to hurt, and I’d heard so many horror stories about it – things like tearing and bleeding and incredible pain, and I’m thinking ahhh, no. There will be none of that.

Then it headed south, really quickly. I got too freaked out and just stopped replying to his messages. I stopped visiting him. He started calling and texting me all day long wanting to know what I was doing and when I’d be coming over again. He’d then start waiting for me after rehearsals… at that point I started getting lifts home with friends, just so I wouldn’t have to see him.

He then started following me. Waiting for me outside the library when I was there studying before dance class around the corner and then rehearsals straight afterwards.

Then one particular day he followed me home. And despite trying to keep a distance from him, it didn’t stop him from shouting out to me. Finally, I’d had enough and snapped.

I did a complete 180 and stormed up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his t-shirt and told him to leave me the fuck alone or I’d put him on the ground in a mound of pain. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore and that he was being too intense and obsessive and his stalker behaviour was the icing on the cake and I couldn’t handle that.

He, in turn had a big emotional outburst right there on the footpath.

Sorry B, I’m done.

He told me he loved me. I told him I didn’t want to see him again and that he needed to stop contacting me.

I walked off, locked myself in my room and bawled my eyes out. What the hell was going on… did I just go through my first break-up?? I was an emotional wreck and worst of all, I had absolutely nobody that I could talk to about it.

it was horrible.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/12/24/prompt-guilty/