Daily Prompt: Tainted Love

Ever been dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend? Was it a total surprise, or something you saw coming? Tell us your best worst breakup story. Never been the dumpee, always the dumper? Relate the story of a friend who got unceremoniously kicked to the curb. Change the names to protect the innocent if you must.

It was my 20th birthday, and I got dumped. Happy Birthday To Me, right?

I’d kinda been seeing this guy for a few months already, and the way I saw things, he was my boyfriend, and I was his. I didn’t really know what else to call it… is there such thing as a casual boyfriend?

Anyway, things were going well. It was still kinda new: we were spending our free time together. He was working full time; I was dancing full time; so we’d spend our nights together. It wasn’t every night, because we understood we both needed space and it was too soon to be joined at the hip. It was great spending time together, and being able to just hang out with somebody. It was exciting for me. I was so infatuated with this guy. He was tall, and very ruggedly good looking. He was the kind of guy who I couldn’t believe was actually interested in me, because to me, he was so incredibly hot and could’ve had anybody he wanted. To a point, he actually made me feel somewhat insecure quite regularly in the beginning, because I couldn’t stop second guessing everything he said and did. I felt as though it was some kind of elaborate set up, as though my housemates had put him up to it in order to crush my emotions later down the track.

Anyway, it was my birthday and I got up early to go and spend the day with my best friend. We went out for brunch, and then spent the day shopping. The car broke down later that day in Camberwell, but we still had a great time together. We then had plans to meet up later that night and go clubbing with a small group of friends.

I got home later that afternoon, and had planned on having a small nap before I had to get up, eat, and get ready.

It was about six o’clock when there was a knock at the door. It was G. He’d come over on a whim to drop off a small present for me. I, however, had already told him that I would just catch up with him tomorrow, because I had a busy day today, and wouldn’t have time to see him because he was also quite busy. But he stopped by anyway.

My housemate let him in, and he crept over to the bed where I was asleep. I had woken up when he knocked on the door, but then just as quickly fell asleep, but I woke again when I heard my bedroom door creek. I had just assumed it was one of my housemates putting something in my room… so I felt quite startled when I felt G lay down next to me and start whispering in my ear.

You know that moment when you’re really sleepy and somebody quietly wakes you up, and you have these whisper-conversations amongst you yawning and stretching and being half-asleep?? Well it was like that for a bit, but it felt really nice. It was a wonderful surprise to be asleep on my birthday and have my boyfriend show up unexpectedly. He was stroking my (wild and out of control) hair and whispered ‘Happy Birthday kid’ into my ear. I rolled over and kissed him hello…

…and then we ended up making out for an hour.

When we finally were able to catch our breaths, I explained how wonderful it was that he came to visit, and he said that he couldn’t let my birthday go past without actually seeing me.

He handed me a small gift. I can’t actually recall what that gift was. He’d been asking me for a week or so prior what I wanted to get for my birthday. I was humble enough to say I didn’t want him to get me anything, but when he kept pressing the issue, I gave him a couple of different ideas, in different price points. I didn’t really know where we stood on the relationship / present scale, so I gave him some options to try and gauge where he was at.

I just remember opening my gift and feeling quite disappointed in what he had gotten me. I didn’t dare show this expression, instead telling him how perfect it was and how it’ll always make me think of him. In my head, however, I was screaming in anger at how stupid he was for not getting me anything that I ACTUALLY wanted. What’s the point in asking me, and then me giving you a variety of possibilities, if you’re not actually going to use it?

So after all that, he says that he want’s to talk to me about something. I was thinking that he was going to tell me that my real present was actually a romantic weekend away together. Or maybe he was going to tell me that he was actually going to come to a gay club tonight (for the very first time) and get over his anxiety about it so he could celebrate my birthday with me. Or maybe he was going to invite me over to his place for a change and cook me dinner or some kind of wonderful, romantic gesture.

That wasn’t however what came out of his mouth.

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.’

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth. I actually thought he was joking.

He wasn’t joking.

He then sat there and explained to me that he was feeling a bit confused, and was feeling a bit pressured into something that he wasn’t ready for. That something was called ‘a relationship’. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me.

My heart jumped into my throat, and suddenly everything around me froze in time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t understand. Only 2.5 weeks prior we had been truly intimate for the very first time. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but I lost my virginity to this guy. I thought that he was the one… but in saying that, I was just shy of being twenty. I also thought my tight cotton-lycra dance pants were the most awesome thing ever.

So then all of a sudden, ten thousand questions start flooding my brain, and I stopped hearing the words coming out of his mouth. It was like all the sound disappeared, because all I could hear was my inner voice going mental with a constant stream of questions and self doubt.

Oh my god, what’s happening? How could he say that? What’s wrong with me? I knew it was too good to be true! Maybe this was the plan? I bet the girls (my housemates) put him up to this on purpose, just to do this and hurt me on my birthday. I though things were going well! I thought he liked me. Why doesn’t he like me? I waited so long before we had sex, and I explained that and he said he was cool with it! Maybe he wasn’t okay with it. Maybe he was just too frustrated. But I’ve been sleeping with him. And the sex is phenomenal. Maybe he doesn’t like it? Fuck, has he been lying to me? Oh my god, I can’t believe that he’s been lying to me this whole time. How could I have been so stupid?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??

So then my inner dialogue exploded into outer dialogue and all these questions were being thrown at G like a constant barrage of ninja stars.

He said that he really likes me. He agreed that he’d never felt like this with anybody – never felt such an indescribable connection with another guy, but I knew that was just some bullshit line people give each other when they don’t want to speak the truth. He said that he’s cried more with me, than he has in the last few years, because he feels that comfortable with him. He told me that he was just too scared to be in a relationship because he’s too scared to give himself over completely. The thought of it terrified him.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I began to question him and everything he said. He was stating the facts and how it made him feel, and I wanted to believe him, but nobody does a complete 180 like that without a good enough reason.

Question after question and question.

Then he said it. The REAL reason behind all his bullshit.

He. Still. Had.  A. Boyfriend.

Yep. A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! I couldn’t believe it. How could I have been so STUPID!! But then it made sense… of course it was all too good to be true. As if anybody that hot would ever remotely be interested in me, let alone give me the time of day. I had felt that it was too good to be true, and now I knew for certain.

I grabbed the present and threw it at him, and told him to get the fuck out of my house.

He countered by crying.

‘No. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry. You don’t get to stand there and cry, when you’re the one breaking up with me, on my BIRTHDAY… BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!! You don’t get to be upset. You just get to be a fucking arsehole. Get the fuck out of my house. I’m done with you. Just delete my number. I want nothing to do with you.’

He continued his weird man-crying and fell against a wall asking me if I was okay.

No, I was just in a pure rage.

How the fuck could you do this? Of all the days, you had to pick my birthday. Seriously.. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!?

I stood there trying so hard not to cry, but it didn’t last. The sadness was quickly replaced with sheer rage, and I went crazy at him. How dare you stand there and tell me you’re not ready for a relationship…. oh that’s right, BECAUSE YOU’RE ALREADY IN ONE… oh, what’s this, OH, BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WITH THIS GUY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS ALREADY… I’m not asking you to leave you boyfriend, I just wish I had’ve known about it before I fell in love with you and wanted you to be my knight in shining armour; my prince charming.

I finally kicked him out and watched him go sit in his car and cry into his steering wheel before returning inside and looking for my phone. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I needed to talk it through with somebody, so I went to call D.

I picked up my phone and saw a stack of missed calls and messages, and started going through them one-by-one. Each one of them was one of my so-called ‘friends’ telling me they suddenly weren’t coming tonight to celebrate my birthday because they conveniently had something else on, or they had suddenly come down with some kind of illness.

What better way to fill that giant hole in my chest that G just cut out with a giant rusty knife, than with some super excruciating bullshit which burnt like lemon juice.

I then got a call from two of my friends who were already on their way in from Geelong. They were about 20mins away from my place, and told me to get my arse into gear. I quickly showered and got myself dressed, and then started received a stream of text messages from G. He’d obviously realised how much of a cunt he had just been to dump me on my birthday, and tell me he’s not able to be in a relationship, because he’s already in one. Perhaps the worst possible timing ever!!

The boys turned up, and I ended up asking them to come inside and we started talking. I ended up confessing to them that I’d been seeing G. See, I hadn’t told anybody about G. It was a secret for me. A couple of my friends thought that I might be seeing somebody, because I was never around to hang out with them, but I never admitted anything to anybody… except now.

So, almost three hours later, it was approaching midnight, and we were well and truly fashionably late, so we picked ourselves off and headed off to the club. The cherry on top was having more people cancel on me and then the boys leaving after only an hour and a half. I distinctly recall it being 2am, and I was all by myself. I was sitting on a couch upstairs at this club replaying the entire day back in my head, piece by piece, and realising how much of an epic clusterfuck the entire day was. I was more surprised that I wasn’t at home in bed having some kind of emotional breakdown.

Instead, I just needed to dance. And I did. And boy did I dance. I decided that for the rest of the night, I wasn’t going to allow myself to have any more inhibitions, and I just let loose. I remember catching a tram home around 6:30 – 7am as the sun was rising, and feeling as though I had just had the best night out ever. And it was all on my own.

However, all night I was still getting messages from G. I told him to fuck off and stop messaging me with his messages of self-regret. He made a choice, he has to live with it. It doesn’t mean he gets to message me constantly and still try to make me feel better by telling me how much he loves being with me. Sorry, I’m not having that shit.

UGH. I can’t believe that I lost my virginity to somebody who turned out to be such a cunt.

I felt so stupid for falling for him so quickly. I can’t believe that I had been such a dickhead. How could I have been so gullible. I always thought I was so smart with this kind of stuff, and yet I turned out to be so dumb.

I don’t think I was ever the same after that. It really changed me and my outlook on relationships. After that, I never wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to only ever have casual flings with guys, because I never wanted to allow myself to get that close to anybody ever again. If I don’t allow myself to get close, then I won’t end up getting hurt if things don’t work out.

Turns out it just fucked with my head more than I had anticipated, and was the beginning of perhaps one of the most destructive relationships I’ve ever had. More of my fucked-up relationship with G can be found here. There are so many of these kind of scenarios that I had with G, I knew that it was wrong from the beginning, but I just couldn’t bear to completely cut him out of my life. It became such an on-again, off-again type of relationship that actually did far more harm and far more damage than good.

I’ll never be the same after that relationship, and not in a good sense.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/daily-prompt-tainted-love/

Daily Prompt: With or Without You

Tell us about the time you threw down the gauntlet and drew the proverbial line in the sand by giving someone an ultimatum. If you’ve never handed out an ultimatum but secretly wanted to, describe the scene and what you would say to put an end (one way or another) to an untenable situation.

God, which one do I write about?? There’s so many!!

I think one of the worst best examples of this was many years ago when I was in my early twenties. I had been casually dating this guy for quite some time, and it was (what I thought) was my first real relationship with a guy. We were always together, but because we had separate places, we also gave each other space, it was great. Nobody was being smothered, and by nobody, I really mean me.

Now, I’m not going to lie, yes, as much as I thought was in love, turns out I was wrong. The ins and outs of that complete clusterfuck of a relationship are so great, it’s a novel in it’s own right. (Sidenote, I actually have plans to write about how destructive that relationship was, and how fucking stupid I was… but that’s for a later date).

But as much as I enjoyed being with him, I wanted more. I wanted us to be exclusive, and for some reason he couldn’t give me that.

I had gotten myself so caught up in the idea of having somebody I can actually refer to as my boyfriend. I was young, and naive, and I wanted the ‘title’. I wanted to be able to introduce him to people as my boyfriend ie. ‘Oh, have you met my boyfriend, G?’, ‘Oh, no I can’t make it tomorrow, my boyfriend is cooking me dinner.’, ‘Well, I was planning on taking my boyfriend out for lunch as a surprise’ etc etc etc. You know that type of person. The one who has to keep announcing it to the world that they finally have managed to find somebody who’s prepared to put up with their shit, and actually have a relationship.

Unfortunately, G was always sheepish about that topic of becoming exclusive, and avoided it as much as possible… then I found out why.

Turns out he still had a boyfriend. Y’know, that old chestnut.

*sigh*

So when he told me previously that they had broken up, it was all bullshit.

There simply aren’t enough words to explain the type of rage that was coursing through my body during that point of my life. It was hard to hear, and it hurt so, so much, and we didn’t see each other or speak to each other for about a month or so immediately after that. I just… I couldn’t.

But what made it worse was that during this break, he kept texting me. Telling me that he was sorry, and telling me how much he missed me, and telling me that he feels so incomplete without me.

SHOULDN’T YOU BE SAYING THAT TO YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND, YOU BASTARD!?!?

He tried explaining to me the severely complicated nature of his relationship with his on-again-off-again boyfriend. Turns out they’d been together for a number of years. Yep. YEARS. So it was a pretty serious thing. In saying that, G was kinda fucked up as well. He was extremely closeted, and had major issues about his sexual identity and his work life, family life, sporting life etc. Basically, he was just scared.

By this stage I was done. I’d had enough. He became one of those people who was always going to break up with his ‘boyfriend’ but would never have the balls to actually do so.

I remember that after that month of not talking, another four or five weeks passed, and I refused to see him, but I started replying to his messages. We’d gone through so much already that I couldn’t just cut him out of my life completely. I was capable of being a cold-hearted prick if I really wanted to, but for some reason, I couldn’t do that to him.

We eventually reconnected and began to slowly move back to a place where we previously were with each other, and due to our work schedules, things kept getting interrupted or re-scheduled, so we decided to have a date night. It was long overdue and we were both looking forward to it. I’d asked him about his ex, and he said that things were pretty much over, and G told him that he wanted to start seeing other people.

Apparently that didn’t go down too well.

To me, this was indicating that things between the two of them were over. When your partner of several years says they want to see other people, that’s pretty much Game Over right there. Part of me felt sad that it had ended like that, but there was a small glimmer of hope that this meant we would actually be able to pursue our relationship together.

We had a lovely night out and talked and laughed over dinner, and then came back to my place afterwards and started making out on the couch. Before we knew it, we were half-naked, and then his phone rang. And he ignored it.

And then it rang again.

And Again.

And again.

And again.

And again until he finally answered it. It was his ex. He was saying that he wanted to see G and talk. G said he was busy and would talk to him tomorrow, and hung up.

The phone rang again and even I heard this voice say something along the lines of “I’M OUTSIDE YOUR PARENTS HOUSE ALREADY. IF YOU DON’T COME AND MEET ME, I’M GOING IN THERE AND TELLING THEM EVERYTHING”.

Fuck.

I believe in chess, that’s called Check Mate. By this stage, G was on the brink of tears, apologised and left. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I was beside myself. I couldn’t even construct a sentence. I slammed the front door and collapsed on the ground crying uncontrollably.

By this stage it was probably about 9pm and so I picked myself up, went and had a long hot shower (and more crying) and put myself to bed.

3am I hear a tap-tap-tap on my bedroom window.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!

There was G, standing outside in the cold. He looked like shit. I was so angry with him, but at the same time, seeing him standing there, you could almost see his world imploding – like it was right there in his eyes. I felt sorry for him but that wasn’t enough for me to let him in. I told him to go home. I was done. I was soooo done. I woke up again about 6:30 – 7am to something like fifteen missed calls and about 30 text messages. Turns out he’d slept in his car out on the street, after bawling his eyes out for a couple of hours. He had realised that he’d fucked up, and he felt trapped and didn’t know what to do.

Whatever.

 That day I agreed to let him come over, and we had a big talk. He told me all the ins and outs of his dramas with his… whatever. boyfriend / ex-boyfriend. The more he admitted to me, more and more memories started making sense. I’m not going to deny, his ex truly was a nightmare, and going out of his way to make G’s life a living hell, but that was his problem, not mine!

That was the point where I’d simply had enough and I told him. I said this is where I stand, and this is what I want, and this is what I want from you. You need to make a decision as to whether or not you want the same, and whether or  not you’re prepared to make that sort of commitment, because if not, we’re done. I’m not doing this anymore. I just, I can’t.

I drew the line in the sand.

…and he sat there and told me that he wanted exactly what I wanted, he just couldn’t do it, because he was too scared. He was too scared of the repercussions it would have and what his ex would do blah blah blah… I tuned out when I heard this. I just… I couldn’t anymore.

It had been something like 3 years of this whole on-again-off-again casual ‘relationship’ and yet, even though we were never officially ‘together’ it felt like a breakup, and it was horrible. I was so angry, and so upset. I couldn’t talk to him. I wished him well and we hugged at the front door just before he left.

The next couple of months were a bit rough for both of us. We still messaged each other, and he felt compelled to tell me about his boyfriend dramas. I DON’T CARE!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU CHOSE. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. THIS WAS YOUR DECISION!!

I would say it was almost six-months after we parted ways, and we’d had a bit of space and a bit of silence between us, and then he sends me a message asking if we can meet up for a quick coffee… I begrudgingly accepted, as I’d been ignoring everything else from him for so long. He seemed to be doing well. Work was going great. He was looking good. He just seemed to be in a really good spot. Our quick coffee turned into hours and hours of conversation and he drove me home afterwards.

Then at one point we were just sitting there in a moment of awkward silence, and like a fuckwit, I couldn’t control my hormones, and so I practically jumped him and started to kiss him. Then my conscience kicked in and stopped me. I pulled myself off him and apologised. He looked confused and I suggested that he should go.

Poor G. He must have thought he had been given the green light, and then got cock-blocked. Oops. My bad. I really didn’t intend for that to happen, it was merely a momentary lapse in judgement.

I suggested that he leave, but then he says that he wants to talk to me about something. I’m like, well, you’ve had all afternoon. We’ve been talking, why haven’t you brought it up. Long story short, this fucker has the nerve to tell me that he’s finally ended things with his ex. Like, over. done. kaput. finished. He’s now a single gay man in the world, and wanted to know if I was still a single gay man, and whether or not my offer to be together was still on the table.

No, you cunt. That offer was destroyed when you picked your ex over me. That offer was off the table when you turned your back and walked out the door. More importantly, HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT I’M GOING TO BE WAITING HERE WITH BAITED BREATH ON THE SIDELINES FOR YOU?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!

He wanted to talk, and I didn’t want to hear anything else out of his mouth. I told him to leave, and that was it. I could not believe that the one thing I’d been waiting for all this time had just been handed to me on a silver platter, but I’ll be damned if I was going to jump up and down for joy over it. After all the bullshit that I had to put up with. All the drama. All the tears. All the constant calls and messages and ‘I miss you’s’. I was done. DONE!

It was about two years ago, and I saw a video on a website. It was G. It was him making a public statement about him coming out, and the reaction that he’d received. My jaw literally hit the ground. Who was this person I was watching? Where was this guy all those years ago. I was so incredibly proud of what he’d done. I was so happy for him. I sat there at my desk and cried, because I know how much it had tormented him. I know how much it upset him and I know how scared he was… and there he was on my screen, a completely changed person. All I had were tears of happiness for him. Even thinking about it now gets me choked up, but only because I know how much he struggled with it. I will always have love for him, for a number of reasons, but I’ll never forget how much he hurt me.

 

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/daily-prompt-with-or-without-you/