Daily Prompt – Voice Work

Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson — to narrate your posts, who would it be?

Well, it’s only fitting that a comedian would be narrating my audiobook, but is it wrong that I want a female to voice it??

Daily Prompt – When Will I Be Loved?

Have you dreamt of becoming famous? What would your claim to fame be? Comedy? Acting? Writing? Race car driving? Go!

Well, let’s face it, at some point we all dream about being famous. Some of us finally accept the cold, harsh reality that it will never happen, and instead we have to settle for whatever life throws us.

Others, however, never stop dreaming.

Ever since I was a kid, I always dreamt about being famous… but most of the time I dreamt that I would end up becoming famous for something that I’m actually quite terrible at. For example, I’m a terrible singer, and sometimes I’d dream that I’d somehow magically develop this incredible voice and end up being discovered and find my fame as a pop vocalist.

One of my dreams always involved being famous, but not the sort of fame that the Average Joe dreams of. I always, always wanted to be a famous dancer. I wanted to be the type of talent that gets booked for international world tours dancing for people like Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Kylie Minogue etc but when I’m not on tour, I’m also doing their video clips, and being sought out for all kinds of roles on TV, or dance movies etc. And when I’m not doing any of that, I’d be teaching my own classes at some incredible dance school like Millennium or Pineapple Studios.

However, that turned out to be nothing more than a pipe dream. When I injured my spine and my entire dance career was destroyed within moments, my dreams and aspirations for fame as a dancer were destroyed with it. Don’t get me wrong, I still daydream about it… but unfortunately, that’s as close as it’s ever going to be.

Sometimes I wish I had been born a girl, and then I’d be a showgirl. I’d get contracts at Moulin Rouge and throughout Vegas, showing of these long pins of mine, whilst strapped to within an inch of my life in a corset that is completely covered with beads, sequins and diamantes… and then feathers… SO MANY FEATHERS!! Gimme a massive feathers and sequinned headpiece anyday, and this bitch will strut his shit like it’s nobody’s bizness… mmmkaayyyy!!

Now that I’ve gotten older, my focus or dreams of becoming famous have changed, and I’d like to get recognition from doing something like writing. I’d love to become a novelist. Or maybe write a hit sitcom. Then I’d be able to meet (and instantly become besties with) Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings… they would then see discover that I’m funny, sarcastic and a bit of a bitch and they’d help get me regular gigs on chat shows like Chelsea Lately on the panel. *sigh*

…Maybe I need to just move to L.A. and then network the shit outta myself. Write a few sitcom scripts, pitch a few ideas to some networks and see what happens… But then what about my husband? I guess he’d have to come with me. He could use a change of scenery… heehehe

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/when-will-i-be-loved/

Daily Prompt: Singular Sensation

If you could have a guarantee that one, specific person was reading your blog, who would you want that person to be? Why? What do you want to say to them?

I think I’d like either Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler or Whitney Cummings to be reading my blog. Those three ladies are my absolute favourite comedians (comediennes?) because they’re rude, they swear, they’re incredibly sarcastic, and they just don’t seem to give a fuck about what comes out of their mouths (and perhaps even what goes into their mouths).

I’ve always been a fan of Kathy Griffin, but even to this day, I still think one of the best moments was during one of her shows when she toured Australia, and at one point she called Oprah a cunt.

The entire theatre full of people collectively gasped (and clutched their invisible pearls), and it’s something that I will remember for the rest of my life. It was pure comedy gold.

I love the way she dishes dirt on Hollywood A-listers, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand up for the GLBTQIA community. She’s just fantastic. I would love to be able to meet her and hang out, so we can be sarcastic and bitchy and gossipy together… and then she can offer me a job to work for her and I can play with her dogs, and Tiffany (her assistant) can show me around L.A.

Another Hollywood bitch I’d love to read this blog is Chelsea Handler.

This sarcastic bitch is basically me… but with a vagina and a drinking problem. I love her. She’s also another person I would love to meet and hang out with. She’s crass and blunt and a bitch… she’s basically a gay man… but with lady bits. And, she’s friends with Kathy Griffin as well, so it’s a match made in bitchy gay heaven.

She’s also friends with the third person on my list is, of course, Whitney Cummings.

This bitch is not afraid to do anything. She’s a loudmouth, she’s obnoxious, she never shuts up, she’s a bitch and she’s sarcastic and I love her. Her sense of humour is just as twisted as both Kathy and Chelsea, and she’s besties with Chelsea – always getting up to no good whenever they’re together (because Chelsea always talks about it on her show). I would love to meet her, hell, I’d love to sit down and meet all three of them. At once.

I’d love nothing more to be in a position to be able to hang out with Hollywood comedians – they just make me laugh so much, and I get their humour, and I can’t help but feel they’d get mine as well… *sigh* if only.

 

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/14/daily-prompt-one/