19 Nov – The Funny One

Are you the funny one in most groups? What kinds of things do you find funniest?

I’m not going to lie, I’m the funny one in most of my circles. I’m not sure why that is, but that’s just how it goes. Depending on the group, I’m generally the funniest because I say what most people are thinking, but are too scared to vocalise it.

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Daily Prompt – Uncanned Laughter

A misused word, a misremembered song lyric, a cream pie that just happened to be there: tell us about a time you (or someone else) said or did something unintentionally funny.

I often find that I have these kind of experiences on a regular basis, because most of the time I’m doing or saying something stupid, or, basically, just being my generally entertaining self… so it’s somewhat difficult to actually pinpoint one particular moment.

The other problem with this is that most of the time, I’m usually by myself when it happens, and have nobody to share the moment with.

One of the frequent things I do is sing the wrong song lyrics. At first, I’ll just sing what I think are the words, and then I’ll think about it and realise that it doesn’t sound right, but I still sing it anyway. But then I get annoyed and have to look up the lyrics online to correct myself, and most of the time, whatever I’m babbling is so far from what the real words are, I just sit there staring at my screen grinning like an idiot.

The other ‘habit’ I guess we’ll call it, is getting dressed when I’m not thinking properly, ie half asleep or is such a rush I can’t really concentrate much. Generally it’s not until I’ve arrived at an event, or halfway through a gym class that I realise my top is on inside out or my singlet is backwards, or sometimes both.

Recently I purchased a new jacket. One morning I decided to wear it to work, and it wasn’t until I took it off just before lunch that I realised the tags were not only still attached, but sticking out quite clearly… And nobody decided to tell me.

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Daily Prompt: Isn’t Your Face Red

When was the last time you were embarrassed? How do you react to embarrassment? 

I usually do stuff that I will end up getting embarrassed over quite a lot… Well, embarrassed if people actually know what I did / said etc.

Funnily enough, I am generally quite self-deprecating because I’m usually trying to tell a funny story, or make somebody laugh etc, so I find that at times I’ll end up telling an embarrassing story. However, in saying that, I do have my moments when I get highly embarrassed about things, especially if it’s something that’s brought up, that I wanted to remain private. Those kind of things usually catch me right off guard, and more often than not, I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

And, of course, when I’m having these moments, everybody else around me is like,

The last time I embarrassed myself was during a recent trip overseas. Well, it wasn’t what I did that was necessarily embarrassing, but moreso the fact that I actually told other people about that was embarrassing… and so now I’m going to share that story with you…

So here I am overseas on this work trip. I had a free couple of hours, so I thought to myself ‘I think that I might go get a massage. It’s long overdue and I’m feeling quite tight and sore from all the exercise I’ve done in the last couple of days’. 

So I figure seeing as how I’ve seen a number of small asian-operated massage places around town, I’ll try one that looks the cleanest and get like a 90min massage to really work on getting all those knots out. So I go to one that I had set my sights on previously.

…please come back in 30 mins.

Bitch, I don’t have 30 mins.

So I go to another place that I saw the other day… except this one has two locations in the same complex, so this should be fine.

Please come back in 30 mins.

Oh come on!!

So I head to the other location… only to find there’s actually nobody there.

DAMN IT!!

Time to find another place… I know I saw another one around here somewhere… Meanwhile, I’m checking the time, and by this stage, I’ll be lucky if I’m able to get an hour in. I find another place (HOORAY!!) who then asks me to come back in 15-20mins… (SERIOUSLY?!?!)

So now, I’m thinking that I’m not even going to have time to get a massage at all before I have to be back at the gym for a class at 6pm. By this stage it’s 4:40pm and I’ll still need to  go back to the hotel, change, and then race to the gym in order to make my class.

I’m already starting to feel defeated and thinking I should just go to the hotel when I see a sign for massage in some arcade. By this stage, frankly, I don’t care where it is, I just want a massage.

I walk up to the sign outside the door and checking their services and times and I hear this ‘HERRO!… You rike a massage today? How you feel?’

‘Oh, Hi… yes, I was wondering if I could get my lower back and my flutes done for 30 minutes?’

And he looked at me completely puzzled. So in true language-barrier-charades style, I pointed to what I wanted to massage, and he finally understood what I was saying. He lead me inside and took me into this room with a couple of massage tables and asks me to strip down to my briefs.

I was already beginning to feel somewhat uncomfortable as it was in full view of everybody else in the main room having head / neck / feet massages, but he quickly pulled a curtain across to allow me some privacy.

The massage was okay. The pressure was good, but could’ve been better. I already had asked him twice to increase the pressure, and the poor guy couldn’t handle it, I think he was getting more of a workout from it. Every now and then he’d find a different spot and I’d make a small groan sound from the pain and he’d always reply with something like ‘Ahh yes, painful because so tight… so, so, so tigh. You need regurar massage!’

So he attacks one side of my back, then the tops of both sides of my glutes… but not the other side of my back. WHen he finished I questioned him about it, and he said that I only asked for one side.

Seriously, who goes in and asks for a lower-back massage, but just on one side??

Anyway. So I’m starting to stress out about the time and then all of a sudden the old Chinese woman who works there is talking to the guy, then she comes over to me, barks something at me in Chinese, grabs my arm and drags me back to the table.

She continues to talk to me in Chinese, and I keep looking at the guy for some kind of translation, and he’s not saying anything, so I have to remind him I DON’T SPEAK CHINESE, and he just looks at me as though I’ve just babbled something incoherently.

So I look at this old lady, who looks like she’s about 80, and slowly tell her I. DON’T. SPEAK. CHINESE!! and so she makes out a few audible words and then starts to talk to the guy, who then finally begins to translate.

Turns out she wants to give me some free Chinese medicine… so she gets me to lay back down on the table, pokes around on my back and then shows me a small vile of white liquid. She keeps talking to me in Chinese, asking me all kinds of questions, to which I just don’t answer because I’ve know idea what she’s saying.

She sprinkles some of the white liquid on my lower back and then covers it with a length of cling-film. She prompts me to sit up and the guy tells me that she’s just put some medicine on my back, and I might end up with a small warming sensation. I should keep it on for forty-minutes.

Bitch, I don’t have 40mins. I have to GO!!

Then as I’m starting to put my top back on, I start to feel this warming sensation… which begins to get more and more intense. Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, it feels like my back is on FIRE. Searing white-hot fire. It’s like Tiger Balm but the real shit that you can’t buy in Australia, you have to buy it in Thailand or something…

So whilst I’m sitting there thinking that I’m getting third-degree burns, she grabs my arm and takes me back into the main room and pushes me down into a chair…

…to give me a quick head / neck / shoulder massage… Oh, and to contort my body into position they’re not designed to be twisted into!! Ten minutes later, I’m paying my money, stressing out that I’m now going to be late for my class.

Then I’m outta there and power-walking down the main street to the hotel. I’m sending Hulk a string of messages recapping what just happened, and asking him to get some things ready for me… and getting no reply. He’s probably asleep. DAMN IT!!

Then all of a sudden I start feeling hot and sweaty. Where’s one of the primary places people sweat?? Oh that’s right, their lower back! And who’s just had the white-hot liquid of fire spread all over their back?? Yeah… so the burning sensation of fire is starting to rapidly intensify, and then I can feel it beginning to make it’s way even further down my back.

Suddenly, It’s between the top of my butt cheeks. I’ve developed crack sweat. Which, any other time is bad enough. However, crack sweat that’s coming from the white-hot elixir of fire, is a whooooole other story.

Have you ever tried to put something like Tiger Balm, or Deep Heat onto your anus? No? Oh, right, BECAUSE IT HAS NO RIGHT TO EVER BE IN OR NEAR THAT AREA, EVER!! Well, I wasn’t that fortunate, and now my arse, literally, felt like it was on fire. Trying to keep up my pace back to the hotel whilst I feel like there is fire in the rear of my jocks is probably one of the worst experiences ever (without actually causing an injury).

Still haven’t heard back from Hulk, and I’ve got 15mins to get upstairs, change and get to the gym by 6pm.

I race upstairs and sure enough, Hulk is fast asleep. GOD DAMN IT!! Then I launch into whirlwind mode… Literally, tearing around the hotel room packing a pack, filling drink bottles, prepping a protein shake and then I just freeze. I can’t take it anymore. I grab a towel, wet it, get completely naked and rip off the cling film from my back and attempt to wipe off the fire-liquid as much as I can.

Here’s a tip… it actually makes it worse!!

But I didn’t have time to worry about it. Nothing was going to make me miss this class. NOTHING!!

So I get my stuff together and race downstairs and off to the gym… only to get there and find out that the class before mine is running 45mins late.

…what?

After all that.

After all that stressing out, I have so much time up my sleeve. I should’ve gone to have a shower whilst I waited, but I didn’t take a towel with me. So instead I had to sit there and wait, whilst my arse was on fire.

It was excruciating, but then when my class started, I completely stopped thinking about it. I was too in the moment to think about it or even care.

 

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Daily Prompt: Mirror, Mirror

Look in the mirror. Does the person you see match the person you feel like on the inside? How much stock do you put in appearances?

Let’s just get this out of the way right now… I hate the way I look.

I don’t like my stupid hair, I hate my stupid skin, I hate my nose. I’ve spent so much money on different products for both my hair and my skin, and nothing seems to really work, and it drives me crazy. Why does it have to be so difficult to want to moisturise my skin effectively? Everybody says their products will achieve this, but they don’t. 😦

Do I look like the person I feel I am?? I think that it’s a bit of identity confusion – I know that I’m a bitch, and I know that people see me as a bitch. I know that I’m funny, and I know that people see that I’m funny. I know that I’m nice and I know that people sometimes see me as nice (I really should work on that one a bit more!). Does the outside reflect the different versions of me on the inside – I’m not really sure.

How much stock do I put in appearances?? Well, do you mean mine, or other peoples? I’m not going to lie, I can’t help but judge people based on what they’re wearing (because I’m a judgemental bitch like that), and yet at the same time, most of the time I really don’t give a crap what I’m wearing whenever I leave the house. I live in the western suburbs – compared to a lot of the people I see at the local shopping centre, simply because I’m wearing shoes makes me feel over-dressed by comparison.

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Daily Prompt: Blogger of Repute

Do you have a reputation? What is it, and where did it come from? Is it accurate? What do you think about it?

which one??

Bitch. Lazy. Baker. Sleepy. Late. Talented. Dancer. Bitch. Self-indulgent. Ignorant. Loving. Hilarious. Bitch. Housewife. Sarcastic. Negative. Bitch.

Are you seeing a pattern here??

I think there are three primary reputations of equal share: Bitch. Sarcastic. Funny. I can’t really pick one over the other.

I’m not entirely sure at what point in my life I became so jaded. But I think it started when I was a kid. Maybe it really kicked in when my younger brother was born, and stole my thunder (just kidding!). I can remember being a nasty vindictive little shit when I was a little kid. I’m not entirely sure why, or what caused it – perhaps I was just always like that? Maybe it was predetermined from birth – I am a Scorpio, after all. Which supposedly says plenty.

Then, I guess life happened, and it was all downhill from there.

Now, I’m 31 and I’m still a nasty vindictive shit, but I also have managed to completely hate people in general. I just want to live in isolation.

 

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