C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” How good are you of placing others before yourself?
Growing up country, I learnt to put other people before me, because putting myself first is just being selfish. However, when you have a brother, and you develop sibling rivalry, you ALWAYS want to put yourself first. Why should they get all the attention? Why did he get a present and I didn’t? Where’s my ice cream? Where’s my new stuffed toy? Where’s my soccer ball?
But you don’t play soccer!
THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT!! HE GETS ONE, THEN I WANT ONE TOO!!
So yes, whilst I can, and still am quite humble, I still have a strong ability to be incredibly selfish.
Sometimes I feel sorry for my partner. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to put up with my selfishness. Let’s be honest, I’m actually amazed that he hasn’t just thrown his hands up and been like, ‘Bitch, I’m out’ and ended things between us, simply because I can be so selfish.
I can’t exactly sit here and say I wouldn’t deserve it. I usually put myself first, even before him, and I really need to stop doing that.
I sometimes wonder at what point in my life did I become so jaded about everything?! I guess things changed when I was around 21. By this stage I’d been living in Melbourne for about 2 years, and had always been putting other people before me. I was always so open and warm and welcoming, but then in the space of a couple of months, some shit went down. Fights were had; nasty things were said; grudges became cemented and I had a massive reality check: I’d become sick of people walking all over me. I may or may not have also had a small stint of being bed ridden with depression and chowing down anti-depressants like they were fucking lollies, waiting for the entire world to come crashing down around me.
By putting other people’s needs before my own, I realised I was opening myself up to being taken advantage of, and being walked all over. Almost overnight, my whole view of the world and the people around me completely changed.
That was when I started putting myself first.
And that’s pretty much how it’s been ever since. It’s like I flipped a switch, and haven’t flipped it back. Kinda like in The Vampire Diaries where they talk about their humanity switch. Pfft, vampires. So whilst I’m selfish bitch, who really doesn’t seem to give a fuck about anybody else, the other part of me is the complete opposite – warm, friendly, welcoming. She’s in there, somewhere, she just doesn’t really get much of a chance to make an appearance.