Daily Prompt – Big Day Ahead

It’s the night before an important event: a big exam, a major presentation, your wedding. How do you calm your nerves in preparation for the big day?

Wedding…? HA! Well, we can immediately cross that one off the list…!

29 Sept – Anger Management

How do you get through anger?

 
You mean after I imagine shooting lasers out of my eyeballs and going on a murderous rampage??

May 20 – Namaste, Bitches

Have you ever tried yoga or meditation? Tell us about your experience.

 
I remember my first impression of yoga was of my Aunty and my mum going through a series of yoga poses out in the backyard. I was probably 4 or so, so had no idea what was happening, but wanted to join in, however mum wouldn’t let me.

It wasn’t until about nineteen years later when I finally really got into yoga. I had recently joined a gym, and it was during my recovery period after sustaining my spinal injury. I remember I had my (light) weights program, and then decided to add a bit of yoga to my regime, and I was fortunate enough to actually have an instructor who wasn’t so completely full of themselves and overtly arrogant. This person was so welcoming and encouraging, and did whatever they could to ensure that each participant was able to really get to most out of each posture and each class. Unfortunately, this is a quality that I haven’t seen since then… And that was almost ten years ago.

I really loved yoga. It was on a Saturday and Sunday morning and it was great because I could then go home afterwards and have a small nap for a couple of hours. Due to my back injury, there was a lot that I couldn’t do as properly as I wished I could’ve due to my limited flexibility. It’s at that point you begin to have regrets about your life, regret that you didn’t start doing something as beneficial as yoga years ago when you probably should have.

Surprisingly enough, it was this point in my life I was ever truly able to give into the practise of meditation at the end of the class. Nowadays, I simply cannot do it. I have tried and tried various ‘mind / body’ classes and when it comes to the relaxation / meditation, I just can’t do it. My breathing goes all weird and my brain just simply won’t shut the fuck up long enough for me to chill out. I’m always thinking about a hundred other things rather than being present in the moment and that really pisses me off. I wish I could mediate. I wish I could relax long enough to get into that state of mind, but it just doesn’t happen.

So instead, I get massages.

Jan 22: Bad Temper

Do you have a bad temper? How often do you lose your temper?

You know how some people will say something like ‘I have a short fuse…’ Well, I have no fuse. I can completely change my mental stage from happy-go-lucky-rainbows-and-puppies to something like white-hot-table-flipping-murderous-rage in a heartbeat.

Trust me, I know that it’s not normal, nor is it healthy, but that’s how I function. I’m not entirely sure why I am the way I am, but I just am, so I have to accept it.

And before you even start making suggestions, I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve tried meditation and relaxation techniques, and they don’t work. I should perhaps investigate more into something like proper anger-management therapy, but that really just requires effort, and I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is. I don’t have time for therapy.

I will say, however, that since I’ve started blogging regularly, I’ve noticed a small change in my demeanor… small, and only slightly noticeable, but it’s a start. Don’t get me wrong, I still at times find myself full of rage, but it’s not as regular or as severe as it has been in the past. I think being able to just write and get stuff off my mind certainly helps a lot… Now I just have to find some time to really start working on the other writing projects I have in the back of my mind – that might even be the therapy that I need.

Who knows?!

And, of course, just to make things worse, I’m a Scorpio.

Well, I’m on the cusp of both Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I have tendencies of both, but predominantly, I’m a Scorpio – and if you’ve ever gotten on the wrong side of a Scorp. then you will know what I mean when I say we are quite capable of making life hell.

I’m not entirely sure why I have such a temper… I’m not really sure where it came from, or when it really started to get so bad, but for as long as I can remember, I have always had a bad mood. Maybe it’s just something that’s ingrained in me simply because I am a Scorpio. I’m not really sure.

But the other part of my bad temper, is that I hold grudges. I really wish that I didn’t, and sometimes I really try hard to let things go and just move on so that I’m not still holding on to the past, but dammit, it’s actually really hard to do. And even then, I have my moments. I can hold a grudge for years, and then if you ask me about it on a day where I’m feeling great and living in the present, then I act as though I’ve let go of the drama and it doesn’t exist anymore… until I fall into a bad mood again, and then it’s as though it’s always been there.

Even in some circumstances where I say that I’ve let go of the drama, I will never forget.

If something has happened that has really affected me, emotionally, physically, etc, that’s going to stay with me for a very, very long time. Some people have some ability to simply shrug their shoulders and let it go as though it never happened, because it’s always going to be in the past, and you can’t change the past.

…why can’t I do that?? Probably because I’m too busy being in a bad mood, visualising somebody else’s downfall in some horrific way, and holding a permanent grudge.