Jan 22: Bad Temper

Do you have a bad temper? How often do you lose your temper?

You know how some people will say something like ‘I have a short fuse…’ Well, I have no fuse. I can completely change my mental stage from happy-go-lucky-rainbows-and-puppies to something like white-hot-table-flipping-murderous-rage in a heartbeat.

Trust me, I know that it’s not normal, nor is it healthy, but that’s how I function. I’m not entirely sure why I am the way I am, but I just am, so I have to accept it.

And before you even start making suggestions, I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve tried meditation and relaxation techniques, and they don’t work. I should perhaps investigate more into something like proper anger-management therapy, but that really just requires effort, and I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is. I don’t have time for therapy.

I will say, however, that since I’ve started blogging regularly, I’ve noticed a small change in my demeanor… small, and only slightly noticeable, but it’s a start. Don’t get me wrong, I still at times find myself full of rage, but it’s not as regular or as severe as it has been in the past. I think being able to just write and get stuff off my mind certainly helps a lot… Now I just have to find some time to really start working on the other writing projects I have in the back of my mind – that might even be the therapy that I need.

Who knows?!

And, of course, just to make things worse, I’m a Scorpio.

Well, I’m on the cusp of both Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I have tendencies of both, but predominantly, I’m a Scorpio – and if you’ve ever gotten on the wrong side of a Scorp. then you will know what I mean when I say we are quite capable of making life hell.

I’m not entirely sure why I have such a temper… I’m not really sure where it came from, or when it really started to get so bad, but for as long as I can remember, I have always had a bad mood. Maybe it’s just something that’s ingrained in me simply because I am a Scorpio. I’m not really sure.

But the other part of my bad temper, is that I hold grudges. I really wish that I didn’t, and sometimes I really try hard to let things go and just move on so that I’m not still holding on to the past, but dammit, it’s actually really hard to do. And even then, I have my moments. I can hold a grudge for years, and then if you ask me about it on a day where I’m feeling great and living in the present, then I act as though I’ve let go of the drama and it doesn’t exist anymore… until I fall into a bad mood again, and then it’s as though it’s always been there.

Even in some circumstances where I say that I’ve let go of the drama, I will never forget.

If something has happened that has really affected me, emotionally, physically, etc, that’s going to stay with me for a very, very long time. Some people have some ability to simply shrug their shoulders and let it go as though it never happened, because it’s always going to be in the past, and you can’t change the past.

…why can’t I do that?? Probably because I’m too busy being in a bad mood, visualising somebody else’s downfall in some horrific way, and holding a permanent grudge.

Day 5 – Change Your Name

If you had to switch your first name, what name would you choose and why?

It’s an interesting question to ask. Now that I think about it, I only know a couple of people who have changed their names (and I’m not including those who have gotten married). Everybody else just seems content with the name(s) that their parents have given them.

I remember when I was a little kid and I used to get teased for my name, and for about a week I wanted to change it. I wanted to be called Jacob. I don’t actually remember why I chose Jacob… I guess I just liked it at the time. But the reality was, it was too similar to what my real name is, so that didn’t last very long.

When I got to high-school, I really started to hate my surname. It was something that I got teased for. People made a nickname out of it which I really hated, and it’s the only name they’d call me. Usually, that’s the only word I’d hear before they shoved me into a wall of lockers, or just a wall, or punch me in the arm, or trip me over, or throw my notes across the classroom etc etc… that was almost always followed by “fucking fag!”. 

Clearly, high-school was just peachy!!

I only really started to enjoy my first name after I had a bit of an emotional breakdown when I was 20. Something was revealed to me from a family member that really knocked the wind out of my sails. It literally was heart-breaking and soul-destroying all at once. Combine that with the white-hot murderous rage that immediately followed and I made a decision right then and there that I was done.

I was done with this person. I wanted nothing to do with them ever again. As far as I was concerned, they were now dead to me. 

A week or so later, I went off to the office of Births, Deaths & Marriages and changed my name. I changed my surname and removed my middle name, and then as I walked out of there with my Change of Name Certificate, I remember feeling this weight being lifted off my shoulders (off my soul!), and could sense that this may have been, single-handedly, one of the best things I’ve ever done. I remember sitting on the tram on the way home. It was a beautiful day and the sun was beaming in through the window. It was so warm on my face.

I walked home and sat on my bed just staring at these documents almost with a sense of disbelief over what I’d just done.

There was no going back from this. No changing my mind. I’m a new person now, and I was going to make sure that I enjoyed this new version of me.

10 years later, and I’ve never looked back. I’ve never once felt any regret over my decision. I closed a chapter of my life and cut out a chunk of people from my life, and as harsh or as blunt as that may sound, I’d do it again if given the choice.

Day 4 – Change.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

So, I’ve been looking through the list of NaBloPoMo prompts, and this sense of deflation starts to wash over me. How the fuck do I answer that one? What am I supposed to write for this one? Why are these so hard? UGH. I CAN’T DO THIS!! THIS WAS SUCH A BIG MISTAKE!! Then, to add insult to injury, I discover in my Reader, the WordPress Daily Prompts.

Great. Just what I need. MORE writing challenges. Granted, nobody is forcing me to take part in any of these challenges, but I want to. I want to do it to prove something to myself…. I’m just not entirely sure what that is yet. Maybe it’s just to prove that I can stick to something for more than… oh look… shiny things!!

Perhaps that’s the one thing I would change about myself? My evident lack of dedication to things in life. Writing challenges, diets, savings. Y’know, all those great things that people struggle with on a daily basis. Maybe if I was more dedicated to something and actually applied myself, I’d see some kind of results?

But I think that’s too easy of an answer and the question itself is so open and generic. What would you change about yourself? Hands up those of you who just said stuff like ‘I’d change my height / weight / nose / lips / boobs etc’?? CONGRATULATIONS, you’re all superficial. Okay, now raise your hand if your response was ‘I don’t need to change anything about me. You can’t change perfection!’? CONGRATULATIONS, you’re also superficial… AND FUCKING ANNOYING. Actually, you lot can all go and take all your so-called perfection along with your motivational / inspirational quotes that you like to bombard my Facebook newsfeed with and lock yourself away from society. You’re the ones who need to change the most. You’re not fooling anybody with that happy-as-a-pig-in-shit exterior and your fantasy world where everything is just AH-MAH-ZING and you’re blessed to have such wonderful amazing people in your life, and everything’s all puppies and rainbows.

…get me a bucket.

You lot are the ones that make me want to self-harm. I’m not sure exactly what it is about your sickening positivity that sends me into a murderous rage – I haven’t quite worked it out, but something about you makes me want to turn into The Hulk and smash everything.

Those of you who haven’t raised your hand are probably the ones who would respond with something like:

• I wish I wasn’t so scared of public speaking
• I’d like to be able to save enough to buy a house / car / boat / vineyard / flock of sheep
• I wish I had the confidence to ask out that person that I’m interested in
• I wish I wasn’t afraid of confrontation
• I wish I wasn’t afraid of rejection
• I wish I was happy
• I wish I had children / I wish I didn’t have children
• I wish I could make time for myself
• If I could go back in time, I’d make sure I didn’t get married.
• I wish I went to uni and got a degree
• I’d like to earn more money
• ….??

I could quite easily start my own list of things about myself that I’d like to change, and again they’re all things that I could achieve if I could actually apply myself more effectively. Perhaps mine would be to have better time-management skills? Working two jobs and having late nights doesn’t leave much free time for, well, anything. And whilst every single one of us could write a list of things we’d like to change about ourselves as long as our arm, majority of them can actually be achieved.

Who’s to say you can’t go back to uni and start a degree that you wished you did when you were 19? Who’s stopping you from going to take some classes in self-confidence to help get over your fear of public speaking? Why can’t you sell off your children in order to be free and happy?? I’m sure Angelina won’t mind taking them in.

See… I knew this would happen – a tangent. As usual. Where was I? Oh right, change? Well, I’m thinking if I were truly honest with myself, I would probably become more tolerant.

Perhaps I should start taking some pointers from those motivational graphics on my newsfeed?!