Daily Prompt – Counting Voices

A lively group discussion, an intimate tête-à-tête, an inner monologue — in your view, when it comes to a good conversation, what’s the ideal number of people?

I’ve somehow become socially retarded, and weird, and don’t really function too well in social settings, so the concept of being involved in a conversation just makes me feel uncomfortable.

Feb 11: Thoughts in Perspective

What helps you keep thoughts in perspective so they don’t overwhelm you?

*lol* Well, let’s just be honest here… this doesn’t happen.

My mind is constantly whirring with a thousand different thoughts all at once – and each thought is like a never-ending mind map, it’s just that each thought branches off into it’s own though, which in turn branches into another thought… and they all happen simultaneously and it drives me crazy. Being alone with my thoughts is probably one of the worst things, and one of the best things all at the same time.

The worst because it really can become overwhelming, especially if they’re full of emotion and suddenly I’m sitting in the bathtub having a shower at 1am silently crying… yet I might not necessarily know why. But at the same time, whilst I’m crying I’ll be thinking to myself, ‘I really should be writing this. I should be writing about ALL of this’.

WRITE ABOUT ALL THE FEELS!!

But the good thing about these moments of silent-emotional-breakdown, is that it allows me to put the emotion to the side (or, well, outside – in the form of tears / pain / sadness etc) and look at just the facts. Analyse everything. Pros. Cons. Good. Bad. If X then Y. And then I start to look at solutions, alternatives etc.

It’s not necessarily the best way to deal with my thoughts, but like I said, I’m so preoccupied having so many of them now, I really don’t know where to begin. Take this exact moment… finish blog post; post to blog her; oh god I need to poo; damn I can’t stay any longer or i’ll be late for class; I need to change my playlist; i’m so hungry; i want cake; oh, no seriously, i need to poo; i gotta get out of this office; god damn i have so many feelings; wow, I’m really typing quite fast – go me! I can’t sit still properly; i should have another drink of water; i wonder if it still smells like fire outside?; is it hot outside? why haven’t i finished this yet?? GAAAHHH!!!

And that’s normal for me. All at once. I hear all that from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. All day. CONSTANTLY. It’s almost impossible not to let it get to you and become overwhelming, but I think that because I’ve been like that for so many years, I’m used to it, and to not have such an active brain would probably send me crazy… like certifiably, white jump-suit padded-room crazy.

Feb 10: Problems in Perspective

Do you think you do a good job of keeping problems in perspective?

I will admit that as I’ve grown and I’ve matured (read: become a heartless bastard who’s dead on the inside) I’ve certainly been able to remove emotion from the equation when faced with problems. I can look at a problem and look at purely the facts and make a judgement. Something which I’ve never been able to do.

However, in saying that, there’s no denying that I certainly have my moments where I will get all fired up in the heat of the moment and say shit because I’m full of emotion that I don’t necessarily mean, and basically act like a child, because I can’t put anything into perspective.

I have noticed moreso in just the last couple of years that I really do have this ability to remove emotion from a situation and become quite blunt about things. To some it makes me seem like a heartless bastard / nasty bitch – moreso if I’m not siding with them (usually because we’re friends and they’re actually the ones at fault), but I come across as just being cold-as-ice instead.

Now that I find myself sitting here doing some more self-analysis (this whole blogging venture has been great for doing that!) I sometimes tend to be quite black-and-white with decisions. I find that there are too many complications, or too many people involved, or too many process to achieve a result, which really should just be quite straightforward and simple… but never is. Which, in turn, really drives me fucking crazy. It shouldn’t be so difficult.

…and this is where we insert the thesis about my non-existent tolerance levels.

I just don’t have time for drama. I don’t have time for bullshit. I don’t have time for half-a-dozen people to rally together to form a committee or some special group to discuss the pro’s and con’s about what to include on a registration form, or a confirmation letter. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?? God, it’s no wonder I’m so mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I have to put up with so much bullshit. I think this is why I just take ownership of almost everything  that I do with work, because if nobody else is involved, and I don’t have to consult ten different people about what I’m doing, then life is much easier. If people don’t know about it, then I can’t be questioned. If it fuck’s up, then I’ll admit that, and I’ll own it. Simple as that.

The total contradiction to this, ironically, is that I really hate confrontation. Most of the time. If I’m in a bad mood, however, then bitch, you better strap yourself in for the rage that I am about to unleash at you. It’s quite sporadic, and it can change in an instant – like the wind. I can be fine one minute, then BOOM!! Full of white-hot table-flipping rage. If I’m asked to get involved with solving a problem, then I’m usually looking at both sides of the argument and trying to help each other understand each other. But if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll spell it out for you and shut. that. shit. down. Because when I’m in a bad mood, and you have a problem that requires my help, then I’m sure as shit not going to waste my fucking time on your ridiculous childish bullshit. If I have to hurt somebody else’s feelings in the process… so be it.

Feb 3: Today’s Event Perspective

Write about an event that happened today. Now write about it from the perspective of someone else in the room — your child, your partner, a person dining in the same restaurant… your choice.

I’m currently sitting on an Air New Zealand flight back to Melbourne from Auckland. We were up this morning at 4am, with a taxi booked for 5am so that we could be checked-in at the airport by 5:45am for an 8am flight.

Given that we had 2 hours to kill, I suggested that we go and spend that time in the Air NZ Koru lounge. That way we could sit somewhere that’s actually comfortable, we could have a decent breakfast, watch a tv episode or start a movie etc on my iPad, or even have a bit of a nap until we board the plane.

Hulk didn’t want to.

After learning that the cost to do so was going to be NZD$55, he immediately dismissed this suggestion, as he refused to pay money to go and be comfortable. It can be hard to negotiate with somebody who can be quite bull-headed and stubborn, especially when they’ve already made up their mind about something and refuse to budge or listen to reason. I suppose from his point of view, he didn’t want to spend any more money, and no doubt viewed spending another fifty bucks as an unnecessary expense. However, in hindsight, I should have just organised and paid for it all myself and not said anything to him, and then he’d probably be more accepting of it, because it didn’t cost him anything.

I wonder if you can buy lounge access online… Perhaps next time I should just do that and not say anything??

Daily Prompt: Perspective

Think about something that drives you crazy. Now, think about something that makes you happy. Does it change your perspective on the former?

How long have I got? More importantly, how long have you got. I could go on and on about what drives me crazy… it’s actually really hard to focus on just one of these things. Hmmmm…..

Okay, I think my biggest gripe in life is being surrounded by fucktards. Now before you jump on your bandwagon about how politically incorrect that term is, and how insensitive it is… perhaps you should take a step back and pipe the fuck down. Remember, I’m not forcing you to read this, and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to go elsewhere. So I’m going to continue my rant, and you’re just going to accept it.

I’ve dedicated a good number of hours documenting my interactions with these people, and their undeniable stupidity. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how they manage to even make it through the day. It makes my brain hurt. It’s also because of these people that I now have a zero tolerance for stupidity, and will quite happily call somebody out on it – sometimes without even realising that I’m even doing it until it’s too late. It’s really turned into a problem. I actually have a whole series of notes of documented conversations with these people, but I think I need to relocate them from FB to an actual blog instead… share my pain with the world.

Seriously though, how is it even remotely possible for somebody to walk into a reception area on street level and be so convinced that it could even possibly be the second floor? BITCH, HOW MANY FLIGHTS OF STAIRS DID YOU WALK UP?? DID YOU JUST CATCH A LIFT FROM THE FOOTPATH?? YOU STUPID FUCKING DUMBASS!!

Yes, I am more than aware that I let it get to me far too much, and I know I need to let it go, but fuck, it’s just so infuriating. I just sends me into a white-hot, table-flipping rage. All I wanna do is leap across my desk and slap some sense into them. However, I’ve also discovered that some people are just fucking dumb and cannot be helped.

This is how I feel after most telephone conversations at work…

On the flip-side, something that makes me happy. Hmmm… There are so manny different ways I could answer this, but I fear they would all get me into trouble somehow…

One thing that truly does make me happy is dancing. Sometimes it might be the absolute last thing I would want to do, or maybe I really just cannot be bothered, or I’m feeling too angry at the shit day I’ve had… but after a class, I feel so much better. Exhausted, yes, but better. For that hour, nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. It’s just me and the music and rest of the people in that studio, and the outside world ceases to exist. I keep forgetting that I’m not necessarily the only people who may be having a shit day either, and that I’m not the only one who needs this hour of dance as a means to escape; an opportunity to just claim an hour of ‘me’ time. When I make myself remember that, it brings me back to reality, and makes me feel rather humbled that I’m helping somebody else escape whatever bullshit their dealing with, the same way I’m escaping my bullshit.

I think it does change my perspective on the former. It proves that I get far too emotionally involved in people’s stupidity; I let it affect me far more than it really should, and at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be at a point where I need escape time. I know that I’m like this, and I know that I need to change this… it’s just a matter of determine how to actually achieve this.

But until such time, I’ll continue to flip tables in my mind.

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