Mar 24: Change One Thing

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

 
Just one thing?

That’s actually quite hard.

I think I’d like to be able to be more tolerant of people. More tolerant of their stupidity, and be able to sympathise with them, rather than wanting to smack them in the face for being so mind-numbingly stupid.

Yes, clearly, tolerance is what I need in my life. I just don’t seem to have it. Well, that’s not entirely true. Or maybe it’s not tolerance, maybe what I need is patience instead?

I’m not entirely what it is, but something that will stop myself from filling with extreme rage when people do / ask / say really dumb stuff in society. I let it affect me waaaaayyyy too much, and I need to learn how to stop it from getting to me the way it does. The rage is just so overwhelming.

Oh my god, the rage!!

My ‘stupid people rage’. It’s well-known. It’s become part of my personality. It’s something that people know me for. Hell, I’ve managed to write an entirely separate blog dedicated to it… Granted, I draw so much attention to it for my own therapy, and to get it out of my system, but I also draw attention to it to give it a spotlight. To show all the people out there that are only looking at the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, that actually, people can be pretty fucking stupid and you can’t tell me that it’s all in my head. I’m not the only one who sees it.

Mar 21: Selfish or Selfless?

Do you do more for yourself or for others?

 
I would say that I have an equal balance of both. Yes I do a lot of things for myself – I certainly buy myself a lot of stuff, but I’m also always willing to help out others if and when they need me.

It’s something that I’ve been aware of for many, many years. And it’s certainly changed significantly over those years.

When I was younger, I was constantly putting myself second, and everybody else was first. I was an incredibly selfless individual. I was always off doing something for somebody else, and completely disregarding whatever I had to do for myself – usually resulting in something not getting done, or getting it done quite late.

I often referred to it as ‘Country-boy Syndrome’. I would put everybody elses needs before mine, because that’s how I grew up as a kid in the country. Back then, being selfish was unheard of, and you always go out of your way to help other people – that’s one of the qualities that makes a decent human being.

When I moved to Melbourne, I brought this philosophy with me. Being the naive country kid, most of the time I didn’t realise that others were taking advantage of my good, generous nature. And then as time passed, I began to cotton on to what was happening around me. Yes it was disappointing, because people were always asking for my help, but on the very rare occasions where I would ask them for their help, they were all conveniently busy – even when I asked them weeks in advance.

The final straw was when I was in my early twenties. I’d spent the last couple of years being messed around by various housemates; I’d spent so much time being messed around by my ‘ex’ (G), and something inside of me snapped. I’d had enough, and things were going to change.

It was time to start putting ME first for a change, and when I did, everybody took note. I learnt how to say no to people. I learnt how to actually do things that I wanted to do for a change. I was also working full-time and earning my own money, so I was able to buy things for myself, which I’d never really been able to do before – financial independence!!

Since then, I’ve grown and matured, and seen people for who and what they really are. Unfortunately, as a result, I have a less-than-positive view on society in general. People label me as being negative, or a pessimist, and make it sound like a really bad thing, but I prefer to call it being a realist. I always started out with a view of life being sunshine, puppies and rainbows, but then over time I realised that it was all bullshit, and I was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Now that I am, my views have changed. I see people for what they really are. I’m not saying that everybody is like that, but generally speaking, people in society are extremely selfish, and will do whatever it takes to get something that they want. People are ruthless. People are not afraid to throw you under the bus if it will allow them to achieve something.

Yes, there are still people who see the world as sunshine, puppies and rainbows, and, well, good for them. They choose to see the ‘good’ in everything, however, I just see it as being ignorant. That’s not how society is. That’s not how people operate.

Feb 24: Optimist or Pessimist

Do you think you are more of an optimist or a pessimist?

Pessimist. Well, now I prefer the term ‘realist’ instead… just because pessimist has such a negative association. Some people can be quite dismissive of anybody who identifies as a pessimist, as it can be quite draining to be around somebody who is always so negative.

But hey, that kinda seems a bit contradictive coming from somebody like YOU!!

Admittedly, yes. I do have a reputation for being negative. But at the same time I also have a reputation for being funny, sarcastic, entertaining, and for being a downright bitch. But over the last 12 months or so, I’ve examined my behaviours, and compared them to people who are truly negative 24/7 and I’m nothing like that. I’m practically a ray of sunshine compared to those people… but then again, people seem to have different views of what being negative really is.

For some people, simply questioning them or their decisions is viewed as being negative, and from that point, that’s the only way they will view you. Others however consider negativity being somebody who is all doom and gloom all the time – there is nothing good that will come from anything that they do. For me that’s somebody that I would consider being negative.

So when I admit that I’m a pessimist, and say that I’m a realist instead, i simply mean that I see things for what they are. The world isn’t all puppies and rainbows and sunshine – but that’s how some optimists view the world. And part of me admires that about those people. Those people who just see the positive in everything they experience in life. Recently I’ve made a friend who is like that. She sees the best in people and in situations, and she’s one of those people who has a light inside her that just shines everytime she opens her mouth to speak. It’s something that I truly admire about her, and something that actually makes me smile. I got to spend a weekend with her, and her positivity is just infectious… but in a good way! She’s one of those rare people that you cross paths with in life, who really makes an impact, and is somebody that you will remember for a very long time. I’m so glad to have met her.

So if you’re reading this, H, thankyou for being you.

Jan 22: Bad Temper

Do you have a bad temper? How often do you lose your temper?

You know how some people will say something like ‘I have a short fuse…’ Well, I have no fuse. I can completely change my mental stage from happy-go-lucky-rainbows-and-puppies to something like white-hot-table-flipping-murderous-rage in a heartbeat.

Trust me, I know that it’s not normal, nor is it healthy, but that’s how I function. I’m not entirely sure why I am the way I am, but I just am, so I have to accept it.

And before you even start making suggestions, I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve tried meditation and relaxation techniques, and they don’t work. I should perhaps investigate more into something like proper anger-management therapy, but that really just requires effort, and I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is. I don’t have time for therapy.

I will say, however, that since I’ve started blogging regularly, I’ve noticed a small change in my demeanor… small, and only slightly noticeable, but it’s a start. Don’t get me wrong, I still at times find myself full of rage, but it’s not as regular or as severe as it has been in the past. I think being able to just write and get stuff off my mind certainly helps a lot… Now I just have to find some time to really start working on the other writing projects I have in the back of my mind – that might even be the therapy that I need.

Who knows?!

And, of course, just to make things worse, I’m a Scorpio.

Well, I’m on the cusp of both Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I have tendencies of both, but predominantly, I’m a Scorpio – and if you’ve ever gotten on the wrong side of a Scorp. then you will know what I mean when I say we are quite capable of making life hell.

I’m not entirely sure why I have such a temper… I’m not really sure where it came from, or when it really started to get so bad, but for as long as I can remember, I have always had a bad mood. Maybe it’s just something that’s ingrained in me simply because I am a Scorpio. I’m not really sure.

But the other part of my bad temper, is that I hold grudges. I really wish that I didn’t, and sometimes I really try hard to let things go and just move on so that I’m not still holding on to the past, but dammit, it’s actually really hard to do. And even then, I have my moments. I can hold a grudge for years, and then if you ask me about it on a day where I’m feeling great and living in the present, then I act as though I’ve let go of the drama and it doesn’t exist anymore… until I fall into a bad mood again, and then it’s as though it’s always been there.

Even in some circumstances where I say that I’ve let go of the drama, I will never forget.

If something has happened that has really affected me, emotionally, physically, etc, that’s going to stay with me for a very, very long time. Some people have some ability to simply shrug their shoulders and let it go as though it never happened, because it’s always going to be in the past, and you can’t change the past.

…why can’t I do that?? Probably because I’m too busy being in a bad mood, visualising somebody else’s downfall in some horrific way, and holding a permanent grudge.