Jan 23: Temper Under Control

Do you think it’s possible to control your temper when facing enormous pressure?

This is something that I regularly struggle with. I find that I do go through periods where I am under a lot of pressure, whether it’s work related or pressure I put on myself for whatever reason, and I find that when I am feeling stressed out like that, then I more than often just want to be left alone.

It usually gets to a point where I will snap at anybody for even talking to me, because I’m so heavily focused on what I’m doing at that time. The worst part is when I do actually reach that point, and somebody does cross the line (you know, that line that I only I know exists, and they don’t, essentially meaning their stepping into a lions den without realising it… yeah, that line) I shoot my mouth off… and I shoot to kill.

I cannot deny that I have quite a potty mouth on me, some people find it quite entertaining, some don’t, but when I shoot my mouth off when I am angry… it’s like going down swinging. I will use my words to completely tear somebody apart, and most of the time, I just say it to be a nasty malicious bitch. When I find myself at that point where I can’t even think clearly because I’m so full of rage, my mind shuts off, and my mouth takes over. This is usually why most of the time, when I’m involved in some kind of argument or disagreement, I can’t really remember anything that I say.

I know I say things that are nasty. I know that I say things that are hurtful. I usually just do so as a warning to others… it’s sort of like my way of saying ‘don’t think about even LOOKING at me’, but the thing with that is that when I shoot my mouth off in one of those moments, I really don’t necessarily mean anything that actually comes out of my mouth (because, like I said, I usually just say shit in the heat of the moment), but although I don’t think anything of it, others end up getting quite upset or offended.

That tends to make these situations worse, because I think that they’re being too sensitive, and that makes me look like even more of a bitch.

*sigh*

Evidently, I have a problem.

Jan 22: Bad Temper

Do you have a bad temper? How often do you lose your temper?

You know how some people will say something like ‘I have a short fuse…’ Well, I have no fuse. I can completely change my mental stage from happy-go-lucky-rainbows-and-puppies to something like white-hot-table-flipping-murderous-rage in a heartbeat.

Trust me, I know that it’s not normal, nor is it healthy, but that’s how I function. I’m not entirely sure why I am the way I am, but I just am, so I have to accept it.

And before you even start making suggestions, I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve tried meditation and relaxation techniques, and they don’t work. I should perhaps investigate more into something like proper anger-management therapy, but that really just requires effort, and I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is. I don’t have time for therapy.

I will say, however, that since I’ve started blogging regularly, I’ve noticed a small change in my demeanor… small, and only slightly noticeable, but it’s a start. Don’t get me wrong, I still at times find myself full of rage, but it’s not as regular or as severe as it has been in the past. I think being able to just write and get stuff off my mind certainly helps a lot… Now I just have to find some time to really start working on the other writing projects I have in the back of my mind – that might even be the therapy that I need.

Who knows?!

And, of course, just to make things worse, I’m a Scorpio.

Well, I’m on the cusp of both Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I have tendencies of both, but predominantly, I’m a Scorpio – and if you’ve ever gotten on the wrong side of a Scorp. then you will know what I mean when I say we are quite capable of making life hell.

I’m not entirely sure why I have such a temper… I’m not really sure where it came from, or when it really started to get so bad, but for as long as I can remember, I have always had a bad mood. Maybe it’s just something that’s ingrained in me simply because I am a Scorpio. I’m not really sure.

But the other part of my bad temper, is that I hold grudges. I really wish that I didn’t, and sometimes I really try hard to let things go and just move on so that I’m not still holding on to the past, but dammit, it’s actually really hard to do. And even then, I have my moments. I can hold a grudge for years, and then if you ask me about it on a day where I’m feeling great and living in the present, then I act as though I’ve let go of the drama and it doesn’t exist anymore… until I fall into a bad mood again, and then it’s as though it’s always been there.

Even in some circumstances where I say that I’ve let go of the drama, I will never forget.

If something has happened that has really affected me, emotionally, physically, etc, that’s going to stay with me for a very, very long time. Some people have some ability to simply shrug their shoulders and let it go as though it never happened, because it’s always going to be in the past, and you can’t change the past.

why can’t I do that?? Probably because I’m too busy being in a bad mood, visualising somebody else’s downfall in some horrific way, and holding a permanent grudge.