Yesterday, your pet/baby/inanimate object could read your post. Today, they can write back (thanks for the suggestion, lifelessons!). Write a post from their point of view (or just pick any non-verbal creature/object).
Dear giant person,
Well, thanks for your letter yesterday, it was certainly an eye-opener.
It was quite interesting, however, that you choose to address it to all babies, instead of just a smaller (and cuter) Group of us. I mean seriously, why would you lump us in with the ugly ones? It’s almost offensive.
In your letter you state that you could never have a baby. This confuses me somewhat. How could you not want one? We’re so ridiculously gorgeous, and everybody wants to say hi to us, hold our hands and talk gibberish when they see us. I don’t think they realise that we can understand what they’re saying quite well, actually. We’re not dogs.
But everybody is different, and I just guess that you’re one of those different people… The type with a heart of stone, completely void of any love and emotion.
The other reality is that parenthood is a complete farce. How many adults do you know that actually look after their own kid instead of completely relying on tv, the internet and other people to look after them? This is why society created nannies. You don’t have to actually do anything – just palm us off to somebody else like everybody else. We don’t mind, really. In fact, sometimes we actually prefer it. Most nannies are actually better looking than our parents.
You also talk about how much of a financial burden we are… Truth is, we only become a burden if you let us. There’s nothing stopping you from just leaving us on the floor next to Fido and raising us on a diet of kibble and bones. I’m sure we’d also be just add excited about ‘walkies’ as well. But in all fairness, if Fido gets to go to puppy school, then I should too.
We love play dates. Do you know how boring it gets doing the same thing with just your parents? Ugh? Why do you think we cry all the time? We’re so sick of seeing their stupid faces all the time, we just want a little variety.
Of course, we will always love going to the zoo, but not because of the animals, but because of all they other babies. It’s like our kind of networking conference. If it weren’t for the zoo, I wouldn’t have known we come in all different colors. And hey, if it comes down to rolling around on the ground instead, at home, then that’s cool too.
I’m glad to hear that you also like naps. We’ll probably get along quite well.
Now, about this staring thing, it’s hard to explain. We stare at everybody, and generally because we can’t really see properly. Most of the time we just see giant blurry shapes mumbling all kinds of random sounds at us. It probably just looks really intense from where you are.
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes we can connect to something more ‘spiritual’ within a person, but it doesn’t happen often. I can however say that whilst you keep harping on about how you’re dead inside, we can see your truth.
Have you ever had a baby stare at you so intensely that they didn’t even blink? Yeah, that’s why! We see you for who you truly are on the inside, and clearly there’s something so deeply hidden away; hidden deep , deep down that you don’t necessarily want anybody to know about. You really shouldn’t repress it – it’s not good for you.
You certainly are a child at heart, and sometimes we can see it in your eyes. It’s certainly nothing to be afraid of, if anything you should be embracing it and welcoming us into your personal space more frequently – it might help you cull the Fuck out, cos gurl you tightly wound!
I’m not saying that it’s something you should do straight away, or something you should do all the time with every baby you see, but just take one step at a time – we don’t bite, you know…
… Well, unless we’re teething, then all bets are off hehehe.
I’m just suggesting that you need to chill the fuck out, and at least you can tell us your problems, and we can’t really say anything back. We’re great listeners.
How bout we make a play date some time?
Until then, take care. xx